Beowulf (2007)

The all-CGI, motion-capture adaptation of "Beowulf" is a dud. With a 1,000-plus-year lead time, one would think Hollywood could have done better. Not so. Directed by Robert Zemeckis in the same fashion as his so-so "Polar Express," "Beowulf" has several stunning action scenes, and the use of light and shadow is astounding. But simple movements, such as picking up a goblet or two people kissing, still have the jerky feel of Max Headroom 20-odd years ago. Shit. As well, the eyes of every character are lifeless and dull. The sexual overtones ... laughable. Beowulf (voiced by Ray Winstone) runs about naked whilst LOL random objects and people are used to hide his manhood, but none more funny than a sword. Later that sword is held by Grendel's mom (Angelina Jolie) as she moves her hands up and down the blade, the sword melts and pours thick liquid over her fingers. Subtle, eh? Shit. The kicker: she's naked and has no nipples. Shit. There's nothing magical here that recalls Zemeckis' "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" or even "Forrest Gump." It's all shit. Shit. D+