Polar Express (2004)

"The Polar Express" is the traditional Christmas-season kick-off movie in our house. My wife loves its joy, innocence and animation. Me, I'm a Scrooge. See, it's the damn eyes. I can't get past the lifeless, dead-as-a-marble stare of every CGI character in this Robert Zemeckis-directed tale of a boy who travels to the North Pole. I'm not a total hater. The story is fantastic for children, especially with the brilliant Tom Hanks providing most of the voices, and the music by Alan Silvestri is pure joy. I love whole chunks of the animation, including the train's journey up and down mountains, across frozen bodies of water and through a wonderfully designed elf village that looks like a New England factory town. But watching CGI department store mannequins attempt feeling is not my idea of Christmas magic. Bah humbug. C+

Beowulf (2007)

The all-CGI, motion-capture adaptation of "Beowulf" is a dud. With a 1,000-plus-year lead time, one would think Hollywood could have done better. Not so. Directed by Robert Zemeckis in the same fashion as his so-so "Polar Express," "Beowulf" has several stunning action scenes, and the use of light and shadow is astounding. But simple movements, such as picking up a goblet or two people kissing, still have the jerky feel of Max Headroom 20-odd years ago. Shit. As well, the eyes of every character are lifeless and dull. The sexual overtones ... laughable. Beowulf (voiced by Ray Winstone) runs about naked whilst LOL random objects and people are used to hide his manhood, but none more funny than a sword. Later that sword is held by Grendel's mom (Angelina Jolie) as she moves her hands up and down the blade, the sword melts and pours thick liquid over her fingers. Subtle, eh? Shit. The kicker: she's naked and has no nipples. Shit. There's nothing magical here that recalls Zemeckis' "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" or even "Forrest Gump." It's all shit. Shit. D+