Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

Talk about a lump of coal: For a film titled “Santa Claus” ol’ Saint Nick is MIA for most of his own notorious movie, no less from the producers behind the “Superman” films. Dang. Fetch Rudolph, and sorry, Virginia, this cinema origin tale focuses on the jolly toy-giver for only 30 minutes –- covering the North Pole, reindeer, and toys. Then it switches sleighs for a runaway elf (Dudley Moore) who takes up with a corrupt toy company CEO (John Lithgow). Santa? Ho-ho-hum, dude is relegated to a sad-sack grump sitting by the fireplace wondering if he’s still relevant. That right, Santa has an existential crisis. Talk about meta. Frances Church, help us! Add in a dull and cheap-looking production, even recycling flying footage from 1978’s “Superman,” and watching this is almost as disappointing as finding out you-know-what about you-know-who. That said, we get David Huddleston –- “The Big Lebowoski” himself -– as Santa, and you can tell he cherished this role. Just don’t steal his carpet. Lithgow’s OTT Grinch is a parody of the famous “SNL” Dan Aykroyd villain Irwin Mainway, so … why not just hire Aykroyd? A missed perfect gift. C+

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

The “Vacation” films with Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold are a mixed batch: “European” and “Vegas” are trash. The first “Vacation” is wonderful, and I adore “Christmas Vacation.” Here, the Griswolds stay home while parents, great aunts and cousins visit. Utter fantastic, wonderfully funny mayhem ensues. I love Chase in these films, he has the gleam of a hap-hap-happy psychopath in his eyes, one bent on not murder but fatherly perfection. But it’s Randy Quaid who walks away with the film as a redneck from hell, with an RV and raccoon-eyed children in tow. “Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!” he says to yuppie neighbors as he empties a chemical toilet into a street sewer grate. Priceless. Penned by John Hughes in his glory days, this reminds us that family can be hell, but we all need a little hell now and then. A

Four Christmases (2008)

Do you secretly dread Christmas because you know visiting family results in bickering, forced church outings and rehashed childhood crap that you have strived to forget? And you fear the stress will make you fight with your S.O.? If not just living all this shit, but paying to watch other people live it, is appealing, then “Four Christmases” is for you. Count this Grinch out. Vince Vaughn and Renee Witherspoon play a seemingly happy couple who normally jet out to wild vacations at Christmas. But the gods deal the couple a cruel card that force a visit to all four parents in one day, resulting in brats, bad food, wrestling, falling off roofs and – I kid you not – a rerun of the Vaughn’s awful “The Breakup.” Shudder. I laughed when Vaughn blabs that there’s no Santa to a roomful of children. That's my kind of dumb move. But even at 88 minutes, watching “Four Christmases” felt like enduring four Christmases. It made me want to stick my head in a lit chimney. C

A Christmas Story (1983)

If when I die and I'm sent to hell, I imagine my punishment would have me reliving high school years for eternity. If I'm somehow allowed into heaven, then I hope that up (or out) there, God has a movie screening room playing "A Christmas Story" repeatedly and forever. Just because He loves us.

I adore this holiday classic, which focuses not so much on one boy's (Peter Billingsley) most-memorable Christmas circa 1940, but an adult's rose-tinted memories of his favorite Christmas circa 1940. As with "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," every time I watch this film, and I've seen it dozens of times, my favorite scene changes, or a new detail just strikes me as Best Moment Ever. A new favorite: The mocking deliveryman who really doesn't know what's in the package.

If you don't know the main plot of a boy and his desire for an air rifle, you've been either lobotomized, need to be lobotomized, or you're Amish, in which case you wouldn't be reading this. "A Christmas Story" is simply pure magic and joy, but it's not all whitewash -- the film nails the fear that seemingly every child has of Santa, and has its children being ornery, rude, dumb, mean, disgusting and lovable. Not overly cute Muppets or little cherubs like in "Home Alone" or crap like "Stepmom" from years back.

Putting Christmas aside, every adult has experienced something from this "Story" during their own childhood that they can relate to. I laugh every time Melinda Dillon's gung-ho mom shoves, yanks, pushes, pulls and forces a small boy into his snowsuit ... just so he can walk to school. And the father's profanity, well, let's say, I know well. Billingsley as Ralph is one of the best child performances ever.

Everyone involved -- writer Jean Shepherd, director Bob Clark -- in this film ought to get (or have received for the dearly departed) a free pass to the pearly gates. As far as films go, it is the perfect gift they have given us. A+

Fred Claus (2007)

"Fred Claus" has an original concept for a Christmas movie, a rare commodity indeed. In this comedy, ol' Saint Nick (Paul Giamatti) has an older ne'er do well brother, Fred (Vince Vaughn), who feels, let's say, slighted, by his brother's good work.

Whilst Nick rules the North Pole, Fred is barely scraping by in Chicago as he struggles to keep his girlfriend (Rachel Weisz) and raise enough cash to open a gambling joint in Chicago's finance district. Santa, meanwhile, has problems of his own as he tries to please a fascist efficiency expert (Kevin Spacey) from a never-explained holiday supervising committee. When a freshly jailed Fred comes to the North Pole, Nick's world is in trouble.

It's a funny film, and a sly take on Santa Claus being saddled with the same familial problems that almost everyone has. A climatic blow-up fight between Nick and Fred is particularly amusing, as is a Siblings Anonymous meeting with Frank Stallone, Steven Baldwin and Roger Clinton. But, as different as this Christmas movie is in its own genre, it's still just another viewing of Vaughn's endless take on the overgrown frat boy with a scam in his head but a sack of gold in his heart from director David Dobkin ("Wedding Crashers"). Fred is a bore to watch quite frankly.

There still are plenty of treats in this stocking, though. Giamatti is a magical actor even behind a fat suit and a ton of makeup. Spacey provides a ruler-straight spoof on his boss from "Swimming with Sharks" and Lex Luther from "Superman Returns." (Superman figures in several scenes throughout.) But the hypnotic Weisz is the shining star here as she elevates a ho-hum role to steal the film, and reminds us why the recent "Mummy" film proved disastrous with her absence. B-

Polar Express (2004)

"The Polar Express" is the traditional Christmas-season kick-off movie in our house. My wife loves its joy, innocence and animation. Me, I'm a Scrooge. See, it's the damn eyes. I can't get past the lifeless, dead-as-a-marble stare of every CGI character in this Robert Zemeckis-directed tale of a boy who travels to the North Pole. I'm not a total hater. The story is fantastic for children, especially with the brilliant Tom Hanks providing most of the voices, and the music by Alan Silvestri is pure joy. I love whole chunks of the animation, including the train's journey up and down mountains, across frozen bodies of water and through a wonderfully designed elf village that looks like a New England factory town. But watching CGI department store mannequins attempt feeling is not my idea of Christmas magic. Bah humbug. C+