Sherlock Holmes (2009)

I had no literary prejudices going into the new big-screen “Sherlock Holmes,” starring Robert Downey Jr. as the fictional sleuth. I’ve (sadly) yet to read a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story. That said, gritty director Guy Ritchie serves us a “new” Holmes who is an underground boxer prone to dark rooms, not bathing and sleeping on the floor. He is gruff and dirty, as is the 1890s London around him. He’s like no Holmes I’ve seen before, and Downey is wonderful in the lead. The standard plot, which gallops but never breaks into a full run, has the duo of Holmes and Watson (Jude Law, wonderful) unmasking a dark arts master (Mark Strong) bent on world domination in line with a Batman villain. Ritchie provides brilliant scenes where Downey as Holmes mentally breaks down an action – say, a fistfight – before seeing it through. But as the climatic fight arrives, the trick is dropped. And it’s a bit disappointing. This is a fairly solid movie that is more of a franchise set-up then full-fledged film. Moriarity appears in shadow, and it got my head spinning about who will play him. I’d love to see Russell Crowe take the part. That would be a helluva match up. B

Monty Python’s Life of Brian (1979)

God bless each and every member of the Monty Python. After taking on the Holy Grail in 1975 and giving us one of the greatest comedy of all time, the British (and one American) lads take on a most holy target – Christianity and religious fanatics of all kinds – in “Life of Brian.” The results are wicked hilarious, every bit equal to “Grail.” I don’t care a whit if it’s blasphemous, it only makes me love it more. (It isn't by the way.) The Brian (Graham Chapman) of the title is a chap born in a stable two over from the one holding the Son of God. Brian is no savior, though. He spends his life running from his iron-will mother and smack into the path of crazy prophets drunk on their own loud voices, crazier followers who think him the Savior, and the Romans, and a cross. By God, the scene involving separatists (led by John Cleese) denouncing Rome (”What have they ever given us?”) had me crying. Chapman is brilliant as the straight man, while Michael Palin again proves he can play more than a dozen characters in one film and hit a homer every one. Christ is treated with revered awe. Graham Chapman is poor Brian, hung out to sing. A miracle of satire. A+

Capote (2005)

Watching “Capote” is almost dizzying: It’s a film based on a nonfiction book that documents Truman Capote’s research and writing of the ground-breaking nonfiction book “In Cold Blood,” which was later turned into a celebrated 1960s film. The twist here: Not only was a Kansas farm family butchered in cold blood for roughly $50, but Capote (Philip Seymour Hoffman) reported on the initial crimes and then manipulated the subsequent trials to his own liking, in (ice) cold blood. Capote is played as the ultimate self-centered artist: Everything and everyone is in service to his convenience. When he sees the farm family bodies in their coffins, the moment of horror is about his reaction; after he gets the killers new trials, he panics that he won’t have a solid ending by deadline; he scoffs at the success of friend/co-researcher Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird.” This is a fascinating, layered tale of a man who, biblical cliché alert, loses his soul to the gain the world (or the world’s admiration) and seems to realize it. Or does he? That Hoffman manages to not only humanize Capote, but make him a victim of his own ego is a wonder. A-

National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)

The “Vacation” films with Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold are a mixed batch: “European” and “Vegas” are trash. The first “Vacation” is wonderful, and I adore “Christmas Vacation.” Here, the Griswolds stay home while parents, great aunts and cousins visit. Utter fantastic, wonderfully funny mayhem ensues. I love Chase in these films, he has the gleam of a hap-hap-happy psychopath in his eyes, one bent on not murder but fatherly perfection. But it’s Randy Quaid who walks away with the film as a redneck from hell, with an RV and raccoon-eyed children in tow. “Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!” he says to yuppie neighbors as he empties a chemical toilet into a street sewer grate. Priceless. Penned by John Hughes in his glory days, this reminds us that family can be hell, but we all need a little hell now and then. A

A Serious Man (2009)

The title is almost off-putting: “A Serious Man.” It sounds terribly depressing, right? But this dark, tiny thinker of a comedy is the Coen Brothers’ razor sharp version of Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life.”

Here a 1967 Midwest Jewish physics professor named Larry Gopnick (Michael Stuhlbarg) stands in the middle of life’s highway as misfortunes run him down one truck after another. Larry’s wife wants a divorce so she can marry a widower named Sy, who in turn wants to be Larry’s BFF. Larry’s son is smoking pot and considers not getting a clear picture for “F Troop” an emergency. Larry’s freak brother is gambling and dabbling in illegal sex. Larry is up for tenure. The hits keep coming, and as our hero cracks, the Coens ask “What does it all mean?” and “What is God’s will? Does He even have a will?”

Don’t expect safe answers from the men who gave us “Fargo” and “No Country for Old Men.” (One rabbi insists life’s answers are in the parking lot. Another flatly says there are none. Both scenes are priceless.) An actor not known in Hollywood circles, Stuhlbarg is brilliant in the lead role.

The final scenes are jaw-dropping cruel stunts that only the Coens can get away with. They hit the viewer like an unforgiving truck. A-

The Hangover (2009)

“The Hangover” is the funniest, most insane and out-there Hollywood comedy I’ve seen in years. The plot: Four L.A. guys (headed by Bradley Cooper of “Alias”) arrive in Vegas for a honeymoon bash. Only three of the men awake the next morning with a chicken, a hungry tiger and a screaming infant scattered about their $4,000 per night suite, with a stolen police cruiser waiting outside and a missing groom God only knows where. I’ve just scratched the surface, not even mentioning the naked, gay Chinese gangster. In a genius move in line with the heist in “Reservoir Dogs,” director/co-writer Todd Phillips doesn’t even try to explain how all these pieces came together or fell apart. The jokes – crude and rude, and consisting mostly of “I can’t believe I did that” jaw-droppers – come fast and must require multiple viewings to fully intake. The kicker: “Hangover” is weirdly sweet riff on the lengths friends will drive to protect their own, whilst avoiding the rage of a bride. Zack Galifianakis is the stand out as an oddball with a “Rain Man” fetish. A

The Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

With “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” Wes Anderson has made not only a jewel that pays homage to 1960s stop-motion classics such as “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” it looks as if it were made 40 years ago and stored in a wine cellar until now. As the characters move and speak, you can see odd ticks that seem old-fashioned but flourish with personality. Anderson, director of the infinitely smart and cool “Rushmore,” has turned Roald Dahl’s classic story into a clever heist comedy, a coming of age tail (bad pun intended), and a satire on – get this – real estate markets and capitalism run amok. Anderson’s “Fox” is played as a live-action film, envisioned by the smartest, coolest kids in art class. How many other animated films’ have scenes involving lawyer consultations and the woes of new home repair? The voice cast -- George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Bill Murray, Owen Wilson and Jason Schwartzman – are a delight. Another high mark in a year of stellar animated films (“Up,” “Coraline” and “Ponyo”). A

Gomorrah (2009)

“Gomorrah” breaks the mold of gangster films. It takes what we know from the glimmer and cool factor of mob classics such as “The Godfather” and splatters seemingly real-life blood and guts in our face. The Italian-language drama feels so authentic, so you-are-there journalistic, it’s startling to re-read the “Martin Scorsese presents” title card on a second viewing. Directed by Matteo Garrone and based on a expose book that earned its author death threats, “Gomorrah” is a multi-arch/character epic focusing on the bagmen, peripheral workers, wannabes, mothers, and children living and dying under the thumb of a new mafia. The rules of old are gone. The Godfather has left the building. The one true mob boss we meet is bed-ridden and unaware that his time is over. It’s every man for himself. Stand outs include two gun-crazy youths (Marco Macor and Ciro Petrone) addicted to violence and the banter of DePalma’s “Scarface,” but fully unaware of true consequences, and a tailor (Salvatore Cantalupo) who crosses racial boundaries. The violence is startling and whiplash fast, and the story written so large and complex, it takes at least two viewings to fully encompass. An amazing work of art. A

Four Christmases (2008)

Do you secretly dread Christmas because you know visiting family results in bickering, forced church outings and rehashed childhood crap that you have strived to forget? And you fear the stress will make you fight with your S.O.? If not just living all this shit, but paying to watch other people live it, is appealing, then “Four Christmases” is for you. Count this Grinch out. Vince Vaughn and Renee Witherspoon play a seemingly happy couple who normally jet out to wild vacations at Christmas. But the gods deal the couple a cruel card that force a visit to all four parents in one day, resulting in brats, bad food, wrestling, falling off roofs and – I kid you not – a rerun of the Vaughn’s awful “The Breakup.” Shudder. I laughed when Vaughn blabs that there’s no Santa to a roomful of children. That's my kind of dumb move. But even at 88 minutes, watching “Four Christmases” felt like enduring four Christmases. It made me want to stick my head in a lit chimney. C

The Adventures of Robin Hood (1938)

There is no finer, happier old-fashioned Technicolor classic Hollywood romp than “The Adventures of Robin Hood.” It follows – of course – Robin Hood (Errol Flynn) as he battles Prince John (Claude Rains), woos Maid Marian (Olivia de Havilland, never lovelier) and defends King Richard, God and country. Yes, Flynn was a creep, a drunk and quite possibly a pedophile, but his screen charisma is undeniable – he is the quintessential movie hero. “Robin Hood” feels like the beginning, the alpha if you will, of every action/adventure big-screen film that Hollywood has ever made -- cliff-hangers, kidnappings, chases, the hero about to be (gasp!) hanged and a plethora of sword fights. It still hasn’t been topped. I’m sure the gay innuendo (Prince John is beyond fey, Will Scarlett is far too happy to Robin’s, umm, wingman) was apparent to the discerning eye during the “innocent” time of this film’s release, and that might make this another first -- the ironic Hollywood film. Oh, and Basil Rathbone (what a cool name) as Sir Guy of Gisbourne – nearly steals the movie in that final sword duel. Just awesome. A+

Die Hard (1988)

There’s nothing I can say about “Die Hard” that hasn’t been said before. It’s not only the action classic that set in motion an entire subgenre (remember when every 1990s action film was “Die Hard” on a …), it’s my favorite Christmas flick not involving a child’s air rifle. Or Jesus. Scratch that, it is my favorite Christmas flick. period. Don’t like that? Yippee-ki-yah ... You know the rest. I need not go into plot, if you don’t know how wonderfully Bruce Willis kicks ass in a L.A. skyscraper against a rogue group of terrorists-as-thieves, than you’re under age. Or ignorant. Alan Rickman, in his big screen debut, is hands down the coolest villain ever. His voice. The suit. The glint in his eye. Even as I root (every time) for Willis’ bleeding barefoot all-too-human scared-shitless cop John McClane, there’s never been a viewing where I don’t think, “If I were bad, I’d be Rickman’s Hans Gruber.” The dickering around to paint cops/feds as dicks is a unneeded crock, was in 1988, and still is the case. But the Everyman Hero, that elevator shaft, the helicopters, the C4, the way Michael Kamen turns Christmas tunes pitch dark, and the final confrontation and “Yippee-ki-yah” – drool. Best. Action. Film. Ever. A+

Pirate Radio (2009)

The British comedy “Pirate Radio” was called “The Boat That Rocked” during its original release in the United Kingdom. Nerd news accounts indicate the film not only was re-titled but re-edited on the trip over the Atlantic. And I can see where: Despite the best soundtrack since “Almost Famous,” this Richard Curtis-directed film is more pop, than rock.

“Pirate” follows a boatload of (mostly true?) Brit radio DJs who blast the Devil’s Music – The Who, Rolling Stones and Kinks -- toward shore from an old fishing vessel, much to the chagrin of proper English pricks on land. The ragtag radio crew includes Bill Nighy (“Underworld”) as the leader, Rhys Ifans as a cooler-than-thou DJ god and Philip Seymour Hoffman as an American away from home. The scenes with these blokes and their groupie fans all are a blast, if not a bit coy. For 1960s hellions, these guys and gals are tame compared to, say, the cast of “Gossip Girl.”

The boat ride truly goes all stop when it hits shore to document the English pricks, mainly a fascist bureaucrat (Kenneth Branagh) and his lapdog assistant (Jack Davenport). The lapdog’s surname actually is Twatt. Ugh. It’s that kind of film – marketed to adults, but written for teens who might not even fully get that joke. Worse, Branagh says the surname to infinity and beyond, “I like Twatt!” and then follows it up with 30 lines where he means to say he’ll dispose of the radio jocks, but ends up spilling out Freudian descriptions of gay sex. Yadda yadda ... y'know.

The gorgeous look of the film, the killer soundtrack – classic after classic rock song played out end to end -- and the top notch cast having a blast make this film hard to hate. But it’s equally difficult to love a film that had me thinking, “Ohh, I gotta Netflix the real version.” B-

Underworld (2003)

“Underworld” is the fourth “Matrix” film that no one – well, not me – ever wanted. The entirety of this vampire versus vs. werewolf action film rips and duplicates the DNA, soul and central nervous system of the 1999 sci-fi classic. Verbatim. Down to the sunglasses and stunts. Originality is not on the menu. The inconsistencies alone will suck your brain dry. Mainly, why is the city locale teeming with citizens in the film’s opening but wholly deserted thereafter – especially during a train station massacre? Director Len Wiseman pushes the pace fast enough to almost cover such glaring holes, and Kate Beckinsale -- basically playing Carrie-Anne Moss playing Trinity -- has charismatic boldness to spare. And, hell, it’s actually better than the third “Matrix” film by a mile. But that ain’t saying much. C

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

I am glad that a big-budget Hollywood event film can be focused on a young female protagonist and also be directly targeted to girls and young women, so it feels almost cruel to dump on “New Moon.” After all, boys have had the run of the brainless, witless blockbuster cinema sandbox for decades. Yet, “Moon” is a romantic drama dud, and sends a horrible message of submission for women and girls.

A sequel to the 2008 hit film “Twilight” and based on the second book in the famed literary series, “New Moon” is a painfully hokey “SOB!” drama that has a desperately depressed 18-year-old Bella (the always good Kristen Stewart) longing for her MIA vampire boyfriend (Robert Pattison) while – possibly, maybe, oh, who am I kidding, not a fhkin’ chance – cozying up to her boffo buff BFF Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who is secretly a giant werewolf (!) who’s not so secretly in love with her. (What are the chances, eh?)

This is literally the film: Dumped by undead poet stud Edward, Bella sits in a papasan for months glumly staring out a window and wakes up every night screaming from her violent, thrashing sleep. Then, after several miserable months, Bella realizes if she commits suicidal stunts, she will see Edward’s worried pleading “image,” and he will rescue her. So she pushes the edge, waiting for him to show. She’s sooo in love with Edward that’ll she die to see him. Cliffs and traffic and what not. And why not? He recites “Romeo & Juliet” and spouts gems such as “I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.” (Was junior high creative writing this bad? Uh, maybe.)

Let me skip onward. Yes, Bella has to save Edward’s (literal) glittery butt from some other vampire pack, but it comes after two hours of watching the most spineless, man-love-obsessed female film character I’ve witnessed since Meg Ryan gave her soul and fortune up for crooked Kevin Kline in “French Kiss.” I hated that movie.

And that’s what kills this sequel. What I liked about the first film – the teen awkwardness, the magic of first flirts, Bella’s curiosities – turns ugly. She literally has no interest – art, music, engineering, law, medicine, sports or anything else – except Edward. Further, Bella’s daddy, nor the filmmakers (Chris Weitz directs) nor can I guess the author don’t seem to realize Bella’s months-long depression signals her need for psychiatric help. Not a werewolf or a mummy. And if teen girls say such reactions are normal, they need to seek psychiatric help. Right away.

I get that this is a fantasy film, that some girls want to live to love and be loved by a brooding slightly dangerous man, to be the center of his entire existence, and he of hers. That nothing else matters. Not even personal satisfaction. It’s no more silly or farfetched than boy fantasies such as Spider-Man or Batman or “Die Hard,” where guys get to bludgeon, beat and blow up a world they can’t control, and they are thanked and celebrated for their literal actions. I get it.

Yet, few, if any, boys will ever get a chance to kill a terrorist, be bitten by a radioactive spider or build a batcave. But with this other shoe … well, it’s easy to figure out. I can only hope “Eclipse” (Part 3) shows Bella growing into an woman who can live her own life, find successes in school and career, and do so while loving, and being loved by, her undead glittery man. Y’know, something she can call her own. Take up cooking. Professionally, I mean. But, I have feeling she’s going to end up barefoot and pregnant, cooking a blood-soaked meatloaf for her man. If so, then count me out.

Oh, and this whole “don’t make me choose” melodrama. Really? With Bella's unstable Edward fixation, did anyone think the Jacob – including the BFF himself – had a chance? This ending was the sorriest “shocker” I’ve seen since “Signs.” Alas, it doesn’t help that Jacob constantly threatens: “Do not get me upset!” What hilarious horrible writing. I wished just once Jacob would turn Hulk green and sport a bad 1970s wig. But he never did. Just a hairy CGI werewolf.

Ahh, the ‘70s. Diane Keaton would have kicked both these boys to the curb and marched out of town her head held high. That seems like the fantasy film now. Part 1 was cute. This is crap, what's next ... D+

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

“Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” is a dark prequel to the previous two vampires vs. werewolves films before it: “Underworld” and “Underworld: Evolution.” Dropping Kate Beckinsale, the film goes way back to show … well, the Rise of the Lycans. Much like the Rise of Cobra in the recent “G.I. Joe.” Hey, after the sophomoric pouting of “New Moon,” I welcome this. And I welcome the bloody gore and frenzied pace. The story focuses on anti-hero Lucian (Michael Sheen), who rises from baby to child slave to warrior to bad-ass rebel who sports skintight leather pants and a long leather coat. Who knew Old Navy existed thousands ago in what looks like Dark Ages Eastern Europe? Such WTH questions bog the film down, but don’t kill it outright. C+

Monsters vs. Aliens (2009)

“Monsters Vs. Aliens” follows the exact sandwich construction of many a Dreamworks production: Lots of sight gags piled on top of film spoofs piled on sight sags, with the story as garnish.

It is funny, and the animation is delightful (dig the fur!), but I spent more time guessing the famous voices (Rainn Wilson!!) of the moment than taking any real interest in what was happening on screen. Two days later, I had to IMDB the film to make sure it wasn’t called “Aliens Vs. Monsters.” It’s that memorable.

Here, a bride (Reeese Witherspoon) is struck by a meteor on her wedding day and grows large, Large, LARGE before her fiancé and family. Now a freak -- a monster -- she is captured by Uncle Sam and tossed into a Monster Mash military prison with a glob, a talking man-sized insect and a lizard dude from the Black Lagoon. Enter the aliens (Wilson is the leader), cue the hero Monsters, and we have ourselves a story idea. Add in a “Close Encounters” music gag, and we have a film.

In a stellar year for animation (I love “Coraline,” and “Up” is another Pixar gem) being funny and well-animated no longer cuts it. Not unless it’s Saturday morning TV. Watching most any Dreamworks film (not all) is now akin to watching a child drag his plastic chair to the adults table for dinner. Even if he can look everyone in the eye, he still can’t keep up with the conversation. B-

G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Upfront admission: Much of my childhood was dedicated to Real American Hero G.I. Joe and evil terrorist organization Cobra. I do not lie when I say hundreds of hours of my life and that of younger brother James (now serving in the U.S. Army) were dedicated to this Hasbro toy line/cartoon series/comic book mini-world. James was the good guy, collector of G.I. Joe. I happily volunteered to collect the villains. I was a serious Hasbro acolyte. For the love of God, I scripted war “battles.” I made character charts. James must have rolled his eyes the whole time. Poor kid. End admission.

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a dull-witted, DOA live-action take on the popular 1980s pop culture icon. What looked great in pen and ink to my childhood eyes is wretched in real big-screen life. Terribly so. It can’t even sink/rise to the level of “Flash Gordon” genius awfulness. I was dead bored at the 90 minute mark, and had a half-hour more to go.

For those not in the know: the G.I. Joes are America’s (international in the film) leading military force. The Cobras are a nonpolitical/ nonreligious/ nonsensical terrorist group bent on world rule. G.I. Joe’s mission: Stop Cobra. The story: As the film literally is about Cobra’s origin, we have shady international arms dealer James “Destro” McCullen (Christopher Eccleston of “Dr. Who”) as the main baddie, fighting for control of a set of nano-mite warheads that expel tiny metal-eating robots. That he built. Among the metal victims: The Eifel Tower. Leading the Joes is General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Battles ensue. That’s it, really.

The half dozen writers and director Stephen Sommers (“Van Helsing” and two of the “Mummy” films) try to spruce up the script with laughable character back stories. For instance, good guy Duke (Channing Tatum) once was engaged to wall flower turned deadly villain Baroness (Sienna Miller) before her brother Rex (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – Duke’s BFF -- died in battle on his watch. (All the characters have code names.) Each flash back -- some taken from the comic books, some newly created for film, it doesn’t matter -- is not only a relentless bore but a time killer.

One minor old-time fan nitpick: The silent, black-masked Snake-Eyes, by far the most interesting character in the comics, is here relegated to Lassie status. He points, waves jazz hands, and everyone gets what he’s saying automatically. Even engineering techno-babble. He doesn’t bark, though. It’d be funny (and interesting) if he had.

The film obviously is made for young boys, as are the “Spider-Man” and “Iron Man” films, and I have no doubt my 7-year-old nephew would salivate at the underwater climax. And I’d feel bad for him, because one day he’ll realize he’s been suckered by Hollywood suits spending the GDP of a small country ($170 million) in order to … what? Sell toys. Numb us?

Like the “Transformers” sequel (also based on a Hasbro toy), there is nothing there here. “Iron Man” had Robert Downey Jr.’s tortured soul to ground it. “Spider-Man” had a love for New York City. The explosions, Paris in ruins, characters who die, everything in “Joe” is empty.

Despite the budget, the CGI effects pale next to an average Wii game. Bad dialogue (“The French are very upset!”) and flat (Tatum) or over-the-top acting (Gordon-Levitt under all that makeup) kill any chance of mild enjoyment. D+