Only Lovers Left Alive (2014)

Art House Golden Rule: One must love Jim Jarmusch, he of “Night on Earth.” But his latest film is “Only Lovers Left Alive,” a vampire flick that itself seems eternal, a dark slog made for Gen Xers who covered their dorm walls with Trent Reznor posters, and still have only one weekly load of laundry: Black and very, very dark gray. I squirmed as 120+ minutes ticked by. Oh, Jarmusch spins amazing ideas on death of innovation -– music, poetry, the American car –- in a world of YouTube fame. Mass consumerism is the true mark of the undead. But, damn, how many slo-mo shots do we get of Tilda Swinton stalking down Tangiers alleyways as fat guys leer? She and Tom Hiddleston (Loki from “Thor”) are husband and wife, her living in North Africa with books, he in Detroit with his music, bemoaning the death of the once-thriving metropolis that gave us Chevys. I tried to bite and drink, but the Jack White as a vampire joke? Wooden stake. “Only” only comes alive when luminous Mia Wasikowski appears as a bloodsucker with no self-control. She’s sent packing too soon. C+

The Hunger (1983)

“The Hunger” is so ’80s, I felt like popping over to MTV for a full night of music videos and the Moon Man. Drenched in equal parts German techno rock and blood, with sex on top, Tony Scott’s gothic thriller follows a love triangle between a vampire (Catherine Denevue), her undead boy toy (David Bowie), and a NYC doc (Susan Sarandon) who studies aging disorders, ironic as Denevue’s blood-sucker won’t age and Bowie’s poor sap is dying fast no matter how much young blood he drinks. (The couple tutors a neighbor girl on violin; let’s just say Mom and dad deserve a refund.) I won’t dive too much into plot or fates, but I can’t let go the bat-shit-crazy WTF studio-demanded epilogue that takes a stake and a blowtorch to every nuance and act of violence that came before it, all for the hope of a sequel. (Why!?!) It does not help that Scott, being Scott, overloads on smash edits, hellish strobe lights, and making everything so serious. A sex scene with Denevue and Sarandon should not be boring. Scott makes it boring. Hunger is overstuffed from the start. Often, being left hungry for more is better. Is it not? C+

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Abe Lincoln is hot in Hollywood. The 16^th prez stars in two big films this year. Suck it, Spider-Man. Don’t cheer yet, historians. “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is a mash-up of history (as in U.S.) and Stoker (as in Bram) with an ax-wielding, head-chomping hero in a stove-pipe hat killin’ vamps. Written by the book’s author, Seth Grahame-Smith, and directed by Timor Bekmanbetov (“Wanted”) with master of ironic goth horror Tim Burton as producer, “AL:VH” ought to be the funniest, bloodiest blast of 2012, especially with our over-the-top election year, but it’s a dud. I dig the joke of ol’ honest Abe (Broadway vet Benjamin Walker) as a badass out for blood, but the film suggests with grim faux seriousness the South used slavery as a guise, with Africans as food a’plenty for Dixie vamps. Stick that joke on the Holocaust and try and laugh. But that’s a side issue. This is an ugly, cheap-looking film with CGI effects barely out of test stage, including a foot chase through a horse stampede and a train ride from hell so ineptly staged I thought this flick an episode of “Punk’d.” On the viewer. Talk about a head shot. C-

Underworld: Awakening (2012)

My wife loves the “Underworld” flicks, she thinks Kate Beckinsale as bad ass vampire assassin Selene who kicks ass in a slick tight black jumpsuit is a hoot. That’s true, but “Awakening,” the fourth pitch in the creaky vampires-and-werewolves-live-among-us action series is so short on story and reason to exist, it’s painful. Here Selene –- centuries old and still sporting hair and skin only a salon can provide -– is iced for 12 years, wakes up in a  badly lit lab run by an icky corporation that must share a set with the “Resident Evil” films, slices though a busload of men, hunts for her lover (Scott Speedman) who is starring in a better film, and tries to protect her new tween-scream daughter. It’s all set in a dark Orwellian world where all the survivors pimp “GQ” threads, the lighting –- inside and out, night or day -- is all black-blue, and “The Matrix” is the only film ever made. This is a cheat on every level, an extended trailer with 1,999 shots of Beckinsale standing in front of a massive fan just off camera, her black leather slicker blowing righteously so. D+

Priest (2011)

Paul Bettany says he is an atheist. Yet the man seems obsessed with God. Overtly so. He played an outcast priest in “Reckoning,” an albino monk assassin (!!) in “Da Vinci Code,” a devout and troubled Charles Darwin in “Creation,” and a vengeful angel of God in “Legion.” In “Priest,” he scowls as a ninja clergymen battling vampires. Priests slicing vampires with swords! Makes sense. This ought to rock. But it’s a dull flick with “Matrix” fight scenes leftover from 1999, and art direction that marries blown-out white dessert to “Blade Runner” cityscapes. It’s all ugly, and PG-13 safe. The sullen Bettany – so cool in “Master and Commander” – is far less interesting than Karl Urban channeling classic Eastwood as the vamp leader or Christopher Plummer channeling a Republican-type giddy on church-state rule. The plot – the Priest must save his kidnapped niece – is pure “Searchers,” but the only thing found is another sinkhole franchise launcher going nowhere. And it was all in 3-D in theaters. Lord have mercy. C-

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Bella still can’t catch a break in “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.” The girl (Kristen Stewart) loves the glittery vampire (Robert Pattinson) with 1980s hair, but jealous werewolf boy (Taylor Lautner) is always lurking about. What’s a girl to do? This is the third chapter in the series, and it’s much of the same: Some evil vampire clan is out for Bella’s blood and she needs saving by her suitors, who are more than willing to oblige. Saving means controlling. Vampire guy rips engine cables out of Bella’s truck so she can’t drive anywhere. Werewolf guy dishes “romantic” one-liners that basically translate as “If I can‘t have you, no one will.” Both guys talk stalker, but are treated as heartthrobs. Creepily anti-woman, and from a woman's pen no less. “Eclipse” does score points with well-played, literal head-cracking vampire fights. Director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”) gives the action real blood, so to speak, but can’t lift the banal dialogue and wooden acting above unintended howls. When the two guys compare their own hotness, it plays like a bad spoof of “Brokeback Mountain.” C-

Cronos (1993)

Guillermo del Toro’s debut “Cronos” is a dark beauty: A vampire tale about a grandpa-granddaughter love straight from “Heidi,” but this old man licks snotty blood off bathroom floors and the girl can swing a skull-smashing club. This is nasty violent and funny as hell, a precursor to del Toro’s later genius work. We start in 1590s Spain as a watchmaker produces a device that gives eternal life, in all its eternal damnation. We jump to present day as an antiques seller (Federico Luppi) finds the mechanism – a gold-plated, egg-shaped spider -- inside a sculpture. The device turns the old man into Dracula, and freaks out young Aurora (Tamara Shanath). Meanwhile, a dapper thug (Ron Perlman of del Toro’s “Hellboy”) is hunting the device for his Howard Hughes-like uncle. Del Toro provides sick-minded visuals: Grandpa rips embalmer’s stitches from his mouth, and wears a taped-on suit backward. There are mind-blowing punches at religion: Risen grandpa –- full of wounds -– repeatedly declares his name, “I am Jesus. Jesus Gris!” Even the dialogue bleeds. A

Daybreakers (2010)

In “Daybreakers,” Ethan Hawke gets the starring role he’s been destined for since “Reality Bites.” He plays a vampire. It just fits. Dude has looked as pale as a corpse for ever and a year. In this alternate future, vampires rule the government, business sector and military. Humans are on top of both the endangered species list and the daily menu. Hawke’s vamp’s heart beats (well, not really) for humans though, and he uses his mad science skills to help. Directed by some guys named the Spierig Brothers, “Daybreakers” is a brief, bloody and intriguing film that plays games with technology. How would a vampire drive during the day? The film gets sorry-ass lost amid a vampire cure plot, obvious riffs on the “Matrix” and a climax that sadly ditches logic for cold-cuts carnage. But it’s never less than entertaining. I actually dug this flick in these dark days of sappy teen soaps that bite ass, not neck. Quick thought: What the heck is it with these brother director teams? Are there any sister director teams out there? B-

The Lost Boys (1987)

It was vital to re-watch “The Lost Boys” in the wake of Corey Haim’s demise. Twenty-three years on, this teen comedy/vampire horror flick still holds up as a loose cult/camp favorite. And it’s directed by crap master Joel Schumacher, no less. The easy plot: Teens Sam (Haim) and Michael (Jason Patric) move with their single mom (Dianne Wiest) to a California coastal town haunted by vampires (led by a sneering Keifer Sutherland). It’s far from perfect, especially a red-tinted climax that seemed washed out on my first viewing and still does. But with lines such as, “My own brother (is) a … shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy!,” you’d have to be (un)dead not to chuckle huge and just enjoy. The violence is campy fun – all gushing blood and exploding body parts. Haim is a huge star here – even his geekiest kid moments shine with joy, discovery and charisma. (Feldman, too.) A brooding Patric channels James Dean, with a new taste for blood, not cars. And the music – still rocks huge. It’s one of the best soundtracks of the 1980s. But avoid the sequel – it’s a stake to the brain and heart. A-

Underworld (2003)

“Underworld” is the fourth “Matrix” film that no one – well, not me – ever wanted. The entirety of this vampire versus vs. werewolf action film rips and duplicates the DNA, soul and central nervous system of the 1999 sci-fi classic. Verbatim. Down to the sunglasses and stunts. Originality is not on the menu. The inconsistencies alone will suck your brain dry. Mainly, why is the city locale teeming with citizens in the film’s opening but wholly deserted thereafter – especially during a train station massacre? Director Len Wiseman pushes the pace fast enough to almost cover such glaring holes, and Kate Beckinsale -- basically playing Carrie-Anne Moss playing Trinity -- has charismatic boldness to spare. And, hell, it’s actually better than the third “Matrix” film by a mile. But that ain’t saying much. C

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

I am glad that a big-budget Hollywood event film can be focused on a young female protagonist and also be directly targeted to girls and young women, so it feels almost cruel to dump on “New Moon.” After all, boys have had the run of the brainless, witless blockbuster cinema sandbox for decades. Yet, “Moon” is a romantic drama dud, and sends a horrible message of submission for women and girls.

A sequel to the 2008 hit film “Twilight” and based on the second book in the famed literary series, “New Moon” is a painfully hokey “SOB!” drama that has a desperately depressed 18-year-old Bella (the always good Kristen Stewart) longing for her MIA vampire boyfriend (Robert Pattison) while – possibly, maybe, oh, who am I kidding, not a fhkin’ chance – cozying up to her boffo buff BFF Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who is secretly a giant werewolf (!) who’s not so secretly in love with her. (What are the chances, eh?)

This is literally the film: Dumped by undead poet stud Edward, Bella sits in a papasan for months glumly staring out a window and wakes up every night screaming from her violent, thrashing sleep. Then, after several miserable months, Bella realizes if she commits suicidal stunts, she will see Edward’s worried pleading “image,” and he will rescue her. So she pushes the edge, waiting for him to show. She’s sooo in love with Edward that’ll she die to see him. Cliffs and traffic and what not. And why not? He recites “Romeo & Juliet” and spouts gems such as “I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.” (Was junior high creative writing this bad? Uh, maybe.)

Let me skip onward. Yes, Bella has to save Edward’s (literal) glittery butt from some other vampire pack, but it comes after two hours of watching the most spineless, man-love-obsessed female film character I’ve witnessed since Meg Ryan gave her soul and fortune up for crooked Kevin Kline in “French Kiss.” I hated that movie.

And that’s what kills this sequel. What I liked about the first film – the teen awkwardness, the magic of first flirts, Bella’s curiosities – turns ugly. She literally has no interest – art, music, engineering, law, medicine, sports or anything else – except Edward. Further, Bella’s daddy, nor the filmmakers (Chris Weitz directs) nor can I guess the author don’t seem to realize Bella’s months-long depression signals her need for psychiatric help. Not a werewolf or a mummy. And if teen girls say such reactions are normal, they need to seek psychiatric help. Right away.

I get that this is a fantasy film, that some girls want to live to love and be loved by a brooding slightly dangerous man, to be the center of his entire existence, and he of hers. That nothing else matters. Not even personal satisfaction. It’s no more silly or farfetched than boy fantasies such as Spider-Man or Batman or “Die Hard,” where guys get to bludgeon, beat and blow up a world they can’t control, and they are thanked and celebrated for their literal actions. I get it.

Yet, few, if any, boys will ever get a chance to kill a terrorist, be bitten by a radioactive spider or build a batcave. But with this other shoe … well, it’s easy to figure out. I can only hope “Eclipse” (Part 3) shows Bella growing into an woman who can live her own life, find successes in school and career, and do so while loving, and being loved by, her undead glittery man. Y’know, something she can call her own. Take up cooking. Professionally, I mean. But, I have feeling she’s going to end up barefoot and pregnant, cooking a blood-soaked meatloaf for her man. If so, then count me out.

Oh, and this whole “don’t make me choose” melodrama. Really? With Bella's unstable Edward fixation, did anyone think the Jacob – including the BFF himself – had a chance? This ending was the sorriest “shocker” I’ve seen since “Signs.” Alas, it doesn’t help that Jacob constantly threatens: “Do not get me upset!” What hilarious horrible writing. I wished just once Jacob would turn Hulk green and sport a bad 1970s wig. But he never did. Just a hairy CGI werewolf.

Ahh, the ‘70s. Diane Keaton would have kicked both these boys to the curb and marched out of town her head held high. That seems like the fantasy film now. Part 1 was cute. This is crap, what's next ... D+

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

“Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” is a dark prequel to the previous two vampires vs. werewolves films before it: “Underworld” and “Underworld: Evolution.” Dropping Kate Beckinsale, the film goes way back to show … well, the Rise of the Lycans. Much like the Rise of Cobra in the recent “G.I. Joe.” Hey, after the sophomoric pouting of “New Moon,” I welcome this. And I welcome the bloody gore and frenzied pace. The story focuses on anti-hero Lucian (Michael Sheen), who rises from baby to child slave to warrior to bad-ass rebel who sports skintight leather pants and a long leather coat. Who knew Old Navy existed thousands ago in what looks like Dark Ages Eastern Europe? Such WTH questions bog the film down, but don’t kill it outright. C+

Twilight (2008)

Based on a the first installment of a gazillion-selling book series about teens, love and blood-sucking vampires, the entertaining "Twilight" follows Bella (Kristen Stewart) as she moves to a tiny town in Washington to live with her police chief dad. At her new high school, Bella is met with the greeting that all newcomer students get -- either hyped-up overly sincere glad-handing or cruel scorn. yet, not.

One person grabs her attention -- the pale, brooding Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who sticks close to his adopted brothers and sisters, all pale, all strangely silent, all cultish-like. Later that first day, Bella walks into biology class and as she stands in front of a fan, her scent is blown toward Edward. He acts as if stricken by mustard gas. They are, of course, destined to fall in love.

Catherine Hardwicke, who made the stunning, intense "Thirteen," nails the insecurities and stuttering flirtation that make up much of teen life and love ... in the context of a film that has a teen girl falling in love with a century-old teen vampire with "Seventeen"-cover ready hair. (You either roll with it, or you don't.) Among the subplots is a war between Edward's fangy family, who won't kill humans, and another pack of vampires, who enjoy murder. One of the evil types sets his sights on Bella's blood, and Edward must safe her. Naturally. This drama ends in a unholy weak climax inside a ballet school full of mirrors. This lazy "Enter the Dragon" business hampers the film, but doesn't derail it.

Before long we're back on the romance, which could end blissfully, but surely won't. I can't speak of the adaption from the Stephanie Meyer novel, but the film is a nice mixture of Shakespearean theatrics and displays of love, and Anne Rice stripped clean of blood and sex, all for young teens who still believe in soap-opera-scribbling-on-a-notebook-cover teen love, and not adult love. I mean, the guy sparkles. No, I mean, he really sparkles. in daylight. Y'know, this ain't realism.

The two leads are game, and sell charisma by the bucket load. Hardwicke's roving, sweeping, swooning camera not only follows Bella and Edward's romance, it seems to be it. Floating and sweeping around forests. The surreal vampire baseball scene is a hoot, a stripped down version of Quidditch from that other best-selling cultural movement. All fawning aside though, this ain't "True Blood." Now that's true bloody entertainment. A brilliant slice of undead life. B

Near Dark (1987)

"Near Dark" is a cool, twisted, mid-1980s Western spin on vampire horror films, but with more blood and guts then a dozen Dracula films. And only a trace of the budget, too.

The plot: A young rancher (Adrian Pasdar, now of "Heroes") meets cute at night with a young woman (Jenny Wright) in a small Midwest town. They flirt, drive around, kiss and then she bites him. And the cowboy goes loony -- sucking blood and burning in the sunlight. He joins the woman's makeshift family of vampires (Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton, among them), driving across rural America and picking off victims for late night dinner. Except our hero won't kill.

This movie is a blast, and ignores the fangs, flying stunts and turning bats of most genre films and books. Briliant director Kathryn Bigelow ("Point Break") lays the blood on thick, and it's sick ghoulish fun. Paxton is the standout in the film, clearly having a gleeful, devilish good time as the meanest of the blood-suckers. The only negative: The last scene. An added note: Check out how many actors here worked in "Aliens," which gets a quick reference early in the film.

That Bigelow isn't making any more films is more proof of Hollywood's strapped down sexist conservatism where women, blacks and gays face extra scrutiny for every misstep. A-

The Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008) -- DVD

"The Lost Boys: The Tribe" is a beyond-awful sequel to the 1987 cult smash -- and a favorite of my teen years -- "The Lost Boys." Unlike the first film, nearly every scene in this California coastal vampire flick reeks of incompetence. And I really can't get into the plot. Seriously. It has bro-sis sex vibes that ... y'know, let's move on. OK? Worse yet, the audio on this straight-to-DVD bust sounds as if it was re-recorded in a tin shack, making some scenes unbearable to listen to much less watch. Sad sack actor Corey Feldman appears here from the first film in a listless performance. Sadder still Corey Haim shows up post-credits, but by then it's far too late for any punch value. The rest of the cast, including Angus Sutherland, brother of Keifer, are too dull for words. It's a mess too awful for theaters. We waited 21 years for this? F

Let the Right One In (2008)

“Let the Right One In” is a new-classic, old-school horror film, the way it should be made – pitch-black slow-burning emotional and psychological horror, mixed with hints of savage blood and gore. It's brilliant. In this very non-English European film, a 12-year-old boy (Kare Hedebrant) is terrorized by school bullies to the point of becoming obsessed with violent revenge. Then he meets his savior, a girl (Lina Leandersson) with a way-dark secret, and it’s not her serial killer stooge/father. The climax – in a school swimming pool – is shocking yet so damn lyrical, it ought to be played in church. Except that here, there is no God. He left long, long ago. One of 2008’s best films, I can’t wait to see this again. Alas, it’s being remade in America. A