The story: Barnabas Collins is the son
of a wealthy fishing magnate in 1760s America who spurns his housemaid f-buddy
(Eva Green) for his true love Josette (Bella Heathcote) – to eternal
punishment, for the angry lady, Angelique, is hell in heels, a witch with an
endless temper. She kills Barnabas’ family and his true love, and then makes
him a vampire, cursed for eternity, before locking his ass in a coffin for 196
years. Ouch. Rocket to 1972, and a newly released Barnabas finds himself in the
timeline of Nixon, Karen Carpenter, and lava lamps. Angelique awaits, rich and
powerful, lording over the Collins heirs (led by Michele Pfeiffer, wonderfully
sour).
It’s all ripe for satire, culture jokes and hippie-munching humor, and
we get all that, but we don’t get enough of the tragic romance, the eternal
desire Barnabus has for his lost love, Josette, and her 1972 reincarnation,
Victoria. Yes, there’s a reincarnation. During the climatic “Death Becomes Her”-riffing
battle that $100 million budgets can buy, I barely noticed, and the film barely
acknowledges, the long absences of the lady who unwittingly started it all. Oh,
wait, there she is! At the end! Sigh.
Depp – once again in chalky white makeup
and creepy black wig, his signature Burton look -- is perfect in the lead role
of Barnabas, slowly rolling his fangs around every word, gesture and arched
eyebrow. He makes his vamp into a gentleman in line with the great dapper
vampire Christopher Lee (who has a cameo), but one vexed by Eggo waffles and
Steve Miller Band song lyrics.
A huge part of me wished Burton, Depp, and
screenwriter Seth
Grahame-Smith (author
of “Pride, Prejudice and Zombies”) had gone for a grisly, out-of-control hard
R, ala “Sleepy Hollow,” a far darker comedy than this wink-wink lightweight romp
can provide in a PG-13. Among the missed opportunities – besides sweet buckets
of blood – is a cameo by ’70s shock rocker Alice Cooper, who Barnabas calls
“the ugliest woman I never met.” Heh. Even the jokes are lodged in the 1970s.
End
note: I miss the Burton of “Beetlejuice” And “Edward Scissorhands.” Yeah, the
special effects were (purposefully) cheap, but, damn, I left fulfilled with
cinematic glory. The original show was all about cheapness, apparently, but this film spared no expense. For sets and makeup and special effects. Dime store story, though. Not Dark enough. B-
No comments:
Post a Comment