Nightcrawler (2014)

Imagine a dead serious “Network” written in the darkest pit of humanity, all humor strangled by an utter lack of empathy, with the journalism game run by any dick with a camera. That’s “Nightcrawler.” Jake Gyllenhaal plays Louis Bloom, a petty thief who one night finds his calling: Filming accidents, murders, house fires, and drive-bys, the fresher the gore the better for a top TV news slot. His “employer” is LA’s lowest-rated station, a bottom feeder with the mantra of fear sells. His “boss” is the vampire-hour editor (Renee Russo) who knows her middle age means job death. Bloom speaks in Internet PR babble, product comments, and tweets, using a deflated voice and spouting his love of accounting. He vibes Leo Bloom from “The Producers,” if Bloom had no soul. (Not Joyce Bloom.) Looking starved with bulging eyes, Gyllenhaal is a monster of success as he places civilians and police in harm’s way for a sell. Director/writer Dan Gilroy never judges, he shows us a mirror of journalism endlessly sinking in its race to hit ratings and print money, where cameras are as dangerous as guns. This is the world “Network” warned us about. A-

Veronica Mars (2014)

I went into “Veronica Mars” with not just a blank canvas, but a mistaken impression. I thought the cult hit TV show with Kristen Bell (“Frozen”) followed a high school journalist with a Scooby Doo bent. My error. Bell’s Mars is, in fact, an ex-private investigator who worked as a teen for her father (Enrico Colantoni) who dug dirt in a tiny California town. Now 10 years on, Veronica has ditched the PI life and the West Coast for law and New York City. On the cusp of a big interview, she gets called back home to help an ex (Jason Dohring) accused of murder. Of course Veronica is reluctant to return, but we know she will and we know she will stay, but forget the “we knows.” Writer/director Rob Thomas serves us great characters, a rare small town that vibes authentic, and a slash at the misery of high school reunions. Yes, a reunion coincides with the murder. Far too much? Thomas knows and has fun. The dialogue is playful -- Colantoni has the best lines -- without getting high on its own smoke, a la “Juno.” Not enough to get me on the show, but solid entertainment. B+

In a World… (2013)

I vividly recall Lake Bell from the final episodes of TV’s “Practice” and its spin-off “Boston Legal.” New to me, she stood above a stellar cast of actor that included James Spader. Bell popped smart and darkly funny. Her big screen feature starring, writing, and directing debut is “In a World…,” a comedy about a 30ish woman smashing her way into the boys-only “Trailer Voice” club that her own mega-ego father (Fred Melamed) rules as semi-permanent king. Bell’s Carol’s voice talents have no end, even if she lives with pop and has love woes to make Juliet sulk. That’s a skim off the top of this tale that plays rom-com, flips comedy genre clichés 180, and blasts loud as testy feminist scream and future-looking let down as Carol learns that the farther she moves into Hollywood, the more she realizes that the capitalist big pigs care nothing about any woman’s breakthrough, only money. God Bless Rich America! Parts of “World” are long or buzz-free, but damn Bell has made a fine, funny project that spits in the eye of the world she likely seeks entry into.I want to see her next film now. B+

Sharknado and Pacific Rim (both 2013)

“Sharknado” and “Pacific Rim.” Two films, two end-of-world disasters. One winner, but not who you or I expect.

There’s a scene at the end of craptastic cheap-o SyFy Channel flick “Sharknado” that drops the mike on “Pacific Rim,” a $200 million summer CGI flick from writer/director Guillermo del Toro. Facing raining sharks, heroic bar owner Ian Ziering (“Beverly Hills, 90210”) grabs a chainsaw (!) and leaps into the mouth (!!!) of a shark as it jumps him (!!!!). He then slices his way out of the beast, dragging with him his blood-soaked barmistresses, who was swallowed hole and mid-air by the same shark moments before. Brilliant! 

That gem of Fuck It! lunacy comes after a god-awful film that’s a high mark of guilty-pleasure joy. (Alternating between pain and hilarity: Watching Tara Reid “act,” girl cannot stand still without appearing as if the act is taxing her I.Q.) 

Shot and edited seemingly on the fly by director Anthony Ferrante, “Sharknado” makes you think, “Why hasn’t anyone done this before?” No wonder this $2 million flick jumped to theaters. This is a film to watch with an audience, preferably drunk. Take a shot every time the light mismatches. (You'll be under the table before 10 minutes are done.)

“Rim” has been dubbed “original” by critics, an odd gesture as the entire premise of giant robots fighting giant dino-monsters has been the fodder of afternoon playtime by millions of 10-year-old boys. Roar!  Punch! Crash! Is there more? No. Every character is “one-note,” from Grieving Action Hero to Angry Australian and Tough Boss. Dull. Among the cast is Idris Elba,a great Brit actor who cannot decide on an accent, his native Brit, or some bad put-on American accent. Mind you, I would never complain to his face.

But this is not about people, only the spectacle of massive Iron Men trash beating Jurassic Park monsters from another dimension. The kick in the face, though: Every battle takes places at night in the rain, or under water in the dark, rendering details blurry. The heart of the 10-year-old inside me sunk. 

Still, a few scenes rule: A baby monster goes after a character in a jump, pause, jump scene that is an absolute howl. Buildings get knocked around, whole ships get used as bats, and -- in a scene that plays like a bunch of kids making up the rules as they go along -- a hero robot pulls out a magic sword to render an opponent asunder. That is not a hidden message, I mean a magic sword is pulled out of no where. The laughter is intended, yes? I hope.

It’s not all a loss. Del Toro, who made child-horror classic “Pan’s Labyrinth,” one of the best films of young century, has great fun with a plot involving two mad scientists –- one a mathematician (Burn Gorman) with the voice of Ludwig Von Drake, and the other a fan boy biologist (Charlie Day) with the personality of Louis Tully from “Ghostbusters.” The duo is joined by Ron “Hellboy” Perlman as a trader of monster flesh who meets a fate crazily similar to that of Ziering in “Sharknado.” But, post credits, he only has a wussy switchblade to freedom. Against a chainsaw, that will not do. Not for del Toro.

Sharknado:  B+ / Pacific Rim: B-

X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)

I watched the supernatural “X-Files” TV series with so-so religious devotion, and the 1998 “X-Files: Fight the Future” film was well-timed, bringing back paranormal FBI agent investigators Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson). Yet, by the time “X-Files: I Want to Believe” came 10 years later, I was over the show. So seem the actors and creator/director Chris Carter. This is a “stand-alone” episode, not just in theme, but time. It’s more akin to “Se7en.” Not anything to obsess over. Here, Scully works miserably at a Catholic hospital, while Mulder clips news articles and miserably grows a beard. A perplexing case involving a missing FBI agent, a severed arm, and a psychic criminal priest (Billy Connolly) brings our heroes back to flashlights in the dark and grisly conspiracies, and as the mystery is uncovered, the limits of PG-13 ratings are stretched as is any semblance of logic: A hero hears dogs barking in No Where West Virginia and instantly recognizes the bad guy’s lair. Really? No one here has been to West Virginia, the snow screams Canada. Believe? My faith vanished long ago. C+

Dark Shadows (2012)

Are there two men more likely soul mates than actor Johnny Depp and director Tim Burton? Can there be any doubt these guys make their films first for each other, us second. “Dark Shadows” is a prime example: A supernatural off-kilter oddball of cinema, and a mash letter/ homage to a cult hit TV series that Depp and Burton adored 40 years ago. If it only worked, if only the film had an air about it more substantial than the feeling Depp and Burton are really saying, “You need to see this show!” Well, why not the movie? 

The story: Barnabas Collins is the son of a wealthy fishing magnate in 1760s America who spurns his housemaid f-buddy (Eva Green) for his true love Josette (Bella Heathcote) – to eternal punishment, for the angry lady, Angelique, is hell in heels, a witch with an endless temper. She kills Barnabas’ family and his true love, and then makes him a vampire, cursed for eternity, before locking his ass in a coffin for 196 years. Ouch. Rocket to 1972, and a newly released Barnabas finds himself in the timeline of Nixon, Karen Carpenter, and lava lamps. Angelique awaits, rich and powerful, lording over the Collins heirs (led by Michele Pfeiffer, wonderfully sour). 

It’s all ripe for satire, culture jokes and hippie-munching humor, and we get all that, but we don’t get enough of the tragic romance, the eternal desire Barnabus has for his lost love, Josette, and her 1972 reincarnation, Victoria. Yes, there’s a reincarnation. During the climatic “Death Becomes Her”-riffing battle that $100 million budgets can buy, I barely noticed, and the film barely acknowledges, the long absences of the lady who unwittingly started it all. Oh, wait, there she is! At the end! Sigh. 

Depp – once again in chalky white makeup and creepy black wig, his signature Burton look -- is perfect in the lead role of Barnabas, slowly rolling his fangs around every word, gesture and arched eyebrow. He makes his vamp into a gentleman in line with the great dapper vampire Christopher Lee (who has a cameo), but one vexed by Eggo waffles and Steve Miller Band song lyrics. 

A huge part of me wished Burton, Depp, and screenwriter Seth Grahame-Smith (author of “Pride, Prejudice and Zombies”) had gone for a grisly, out-of-control hard R, ala “Sleepy Hollow,” a far darker comedy than this wink-wink lightweight romp can provide in a PG-13. Among the missed opportunities – besides sweet buckets of blood – is a cameo by ’70s shock rocker Alice Cooper, who Barnabas calls “the ugliest woman I never met.” Heh. Even the jokes are lodged in the 1970s. 

End note: I miss the Burton of “Beetlejuice” And “Edward Scissorhands.” Yeah, the special effects were (purposefully) cheap, but, damn, I left fulfilled with cinematic glory. The original show was all about cheapness, apparently, but this film spared no expense. For sets and makeup and special effects. Dime store story, though. Not Dark enough. B-

Land of the Lost (2009)

The best actor in “Land of the Lost,” a remake of a cult 1970s TV show I never saw, is Matt Lauer. The pompous newsman spoofs himself as he knocks egos with Rick Marshall, a mentally vacant scientist played by Will Ferrell. Marshall advocates not just time travel, but alternate time lines -- mash-ups of present, past and future -- and, of course, he travels there, hence the title. These book-end scenes provoke a solid laugh, recalling Tom Cruise’s ill-fated visit with Lauer several years ago. As for the rest of this comedy … it’s lost in its own alternate time warp, ruled by screenwriters who still laugh at the mention of the word “breasts” and think groping them is even funnier. Also hilarious: Asking a woman if she is “wet.” In a children's film. Ferrell and second-banana Danny McBride (as a redneck adventurist) riff off each other as if they were co-hosting an unending “Saturday Night Live” skit from 30 years ago, with $100 million special effects and nowhere to go. D

Quarantine (2008)

“Quarantine” is an American re-make of a European film called “Rec.” Rules stipulate that American remakes suck compared to their original foreign counterpart. There are exceptions: “Insomnia” for instance. And this film. (I have not seen the original. But will.) The set-up is simple: A TV news crew follows a firefighter company for a routine “you are there” news assignment. Yet a simple call – a medical distress – turns ugly, then horrifying and then hellish as a zombie virus spreads inside a cruddy apartment building. The entire film is shot from the view of the news cameraman (Steve Harris, barely seen). This trick gives the viewer an off-the-cuff hell ride, although the “random” placement of the camera gets a little too planned at the film’s climax. The violence is bloody nasty without being sickly, and the actors make fantastic work out of “I’m going to die!” roles. The lingering mysteries, unsolved fates and sparse facts add to the claustrophobia. For a “Z” genre flick, this gets a B+

Network (1976)

"Network" is one of my Top Ten films of all time. By God, not a week goes by where I don't quote it. Or think about it. And I have posters of the film on my walls at home and in my office. So, I love it. It is the ultimate cold-hearted, sick satire of the American news media hell-bent hooked on Nielsen ratings (the crazier the news, the more people watch), and capitalism run amok.

William Holden is the (so it seems) stalwart TV newsman, the knight in shining armor, who gets his mettle tainted when his best friend and TV anchor (Peter Finch) has a nervous breakdown on air. He's sucked into a ratings war with the Big Three (remember those days?), office politics and an affair with a much younger woman (Faye Dunaway, never more alive and fierce), who would burn a child alive for a Nielson point.

Written by Paddy Chayefsky and directed by Sidney Lumet, the 1976 film is still deadly on target, striking a blow against an American public bored with itself and the corporate drones who feed that hunger. Ned Beatty's monologue as a CEO is historic, and ought to be required viewing in every college classroom across the nation.

"Network" also is one of best-acted movies ever: Beatrice Straight mesmerizes as an angry wife and Robert Duvall throttles off the screen as a soulless corporate demigod. But it's Finch who rules the film. His "I'm as mad as hell!" rant is among the greatest scenes in film, and still startles me after more than a dozen viewings.

I haven't even started on the sexual and racial politics that Chayefsky rips apart for all to view. A must see. Unless you're a conservative who thinks corporations and churches have your best interest in mind. In which case, Ha! A+

Sex and the City: The Movie (2008)

"Sex and the City: The Movie" is not a bad flick, it's entertaining and a wild hoot to see a pack of women lead a summer box office film, no guns, no robots, no guys crawling up walls in tights. But it's not all great. I saw many of the episodes on HBO, and some were shallow pools of shoe obsession, but most hit on important topics to any woman -- dating, marriage, a miscarriage, or a New Yorker, mainly a huge tip post 9-11.

If you know the original HBO show, you know the drill. If you don't, the film follows newspaper sex columnist Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker) and her four pals (Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis and Cynthia Nixon) as they cope with sex and life in New York City. The title is a giveaway, don't you know? Here, Carrie finally gets the chance to leave singleton behind as she marries long-longtime boyfriend Mr. Big (Chris Noth). But not so fast -- Big leaves her at the altar after getting cold feet. The three friends also have their own tribulations, both corny and heartfelt, but the film, like the show, focuses on Carrie.

It is witty, funny and well-acted, especially by headliner Parker who plays early 40s with all its glories and bumps. But the film lingers for an unbearable 2 hours and 25 minutes, and that shallow feeling comes roaring back. Full on loud. Must we watch women squeal over $500 shoes that could pay for a family's groceries for a month? The greed and materialism is stunning, and so very Wall Street and AIG. The taboo-smashing joys of the show have been bought out.

So, I'm in a toss up: "Sex and the City" is entertaining, but it's also a great call for socialism. Pluses go to Parker and company for making a film by woman for woman (Ok, a man directed and wrote, but still). Many of the male characters are treated as mere disposable and replaceable sex objects, just as women are in 99.7 percent of Hollywood films. It's interesting -- and vital -- for us guys to see the shoe on the other foot, not to obsess on shoes. I hope this inspires more films of its kind (but without the rampant self-love and materialism). C+

Serenity (2005)

I saw the sci-fi film "Serenity" when it first came out in 2005, never having seen a minute of the American television show "Firefly" that preceded it. I caught onto the film, liked it well bunches, and three years later picked up the whole "Firefly" series on DVD figuring it'd be just as good. And it was far more brilliant than I ever hoped.

"Firefly" concerned a ragtag group of space traders (err, thieves) in a distant future with basic plot elements taken from several sci-fi and Western films, with post-Reconstruction America history weaved in. Its dialogue, stories, cinematography and even music are like nothing I'd ever seen on TV -- all outstanding.

So, now having seen the show, I'm miffed to return to "Serenity." It has the same cast (led by Nathan Fillion as a Han Solo type) and basically wraps up most of the show's central mysteries, but its soul has been stripped. Joss Whedon, creator and main writer of "Firefly" and this film, has made too many sacrifices for the big screen. Gone are the dialogue, music, cinematography and moral complexities that made the show standout.

It's not a bad film by any means; it's still highly entreating in its own right, but it feels woefully average now. "Firefly" blazed new trails in well worn genres; sadly "Serenity" is content to stay in line. Chiwetel Ejiofor joins the film as an assassin, and steals the film from his fellow cast. B-