Underworld: Awakening (2012)

My wife loves the “Underworld” flicks, she thinks Kate Beckinsale as bad ass vampire assassin Selene who kicks ass in a slick tight black jumpsuit is a hoot. That’s true, but “Awakening,” the fourth pitch in the creaky vampires-and-werewolves-live-among-us action series is so short on story and reason to exist, it’s painful. Here Selene –- centuries old and still sporting hair and skin only a salon can provide -– is iced for 12 years, wakes up in a  badly lit lab run by an icky corporation that must share a set with the “Resident Evil” films, slices though a busload of men, hunts for her lover (Scott Speedman) who is starring in a better film, and tries to protect her new tween-scream daughter. It’s all set in a dark Orwellian world where all the survivors pimp “GQ” threads, the lighting –- inside and out, night or day -- is all black-blue, and “The Matrix” is the only film ever made. This is a cheat on every level, an extended trailer with 1,999 shots of Beckinsale standing in front of a massive fan just off camera, her black leather slicker blowing righteously so. D+

Underworld (2003)

“Underworld” is the fourth “Matrix” film that no one – well, not me – ever wanted. The entirety of this vampire versus vs. werewolf action film rips and duplicates the DNA, soul and central nervous system of the 1999 sci-fi classic. Verbatim. Down to the sunglasses and stunts. Originality is not on the menu. The inconsistencies alone will suck your brain dry. Mainly, why is the city locale teeming with citizens in the film’s opening but wholly deserted thereafter – especially during a train station massacre? Director Len Wiseman pushes the pace fast enough to almost cover such glaring holes, and Kate Beckinsale -- basically playing Carrie-Anne Moss playing Trinity -- has charismatic boldness to spare. And, hell, it’s actually better than the third “Matrix” film by a mile. But that ain’t saying much. C

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

“Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” is a dark prequel to the previous two vampires vs. werewolves films before it: “Underworld” and “Underworld: Evolution.” Dropping Kate Beckinsale, the film goes way back to show … well, the Rise of the Lycans. Much like the Rise of Cobra in the recent “G.I. Joe.” Hey, after the sophomoric pouting of “New Moon,” I welcome this. And I welcome the bloody gore and frenzied pace. The story focuses on anti-hero Lucian (Michael Sheen), who rises from baby to child slave to warrior to bad-ass rebel who sports skintight leather pants and a long leather coat. Who knew Old Navy existed thousands ago in what looks like Dark Ages Eastern Europe? Such WTH questions bog the film down, but don’t kill it outright. C+