I am glad that a big-budget Hollywood event film can be focused on a young female protagonist and also be directly targeted to girls and young women, so it feels almost cruel to dump on “New Moon.” After all, boys have had the run of the brainless, witless blockbuster cinema sandbox for decades. Yet, “Moon” is a romantic drama dud, and sends a horrible message of submission for women and girls.
A sequel to the 2008 hit film “Twilight” and based on the second book in the famed literary series, “New Moon” is a painfully hokey “SOB!” drama that has a desperately depressed 18-year-old Bella (the always good Kristen Stewart) longing for her MIA vampire boyfriend (Robert Pattison) while – possibly, maybe, oh, who am I kidding, not a fhkin’ chance – cozying up to her boffo buff BFF Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who is secretly a giant werewolf (!) who’s not so secretly in love with her. (What are the chances, eh?)
This is literally the film: Dumped by undead poet stud Edward, Bella sits in a papasan for months glumly staring out a window and wakes up every night screaming from her violent, thrashing sleep. Then, after several miserable months, Bella realizes if she commits suicidal stunts, she will see Edward’s worried pleading “image,” and he will rescue her. So she pushes the edge, waiting for him to show. She’s sooo in love with Edward that’ll she die to see him. Cliffs and traffic and what not. And why not? He recites “Romeo & Juliet” and spouts gems such as “I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.” (Was junior high creative writing this bad? Uh, maybe.)
Let me skip onward. Yes, Bella has to save Edward’s (literal) glittery butt from some other vampire pack, but it comes after two hours of watching the most spineless, man-love-obsessed female film character I’ve witnessed since Meg Ryan gave her soul and fortune up for crooked Kevin Kline in “French Kiss.” I hated that movie.
And that’s what kills this sequel. What I liked about the first film – the teen awkwardness, the magic of first flirts, Bella’s curiosities – turns ugly. She literally has no interest – art, music, engineering, law, medicine, sports or anything else – except Edward. Further, Bella’s daddy, nor the filmmakers (Chris Weitz directs) nor can I guess the author don’t seem to realize Bella’s months-long depression signals her need for psychiatric help. Not a werewolf or a mummy. And if teen girls say such reactions are normal, they need to seek psychiatric help. Right away.
I get that this is a fantasy film, that some girls want to live to love and be loved by a brooding slightly dangerous man, to be the center of his entire existence, and he of hers. That nothing else matters. Not even personal satisfaction. It’s no more silly or farfetched than boy fantasies such as Spider-Man or Batman or “Die Hard,” where guys get to bludgeon, beat and blow up a world they can’t control, and they are thanked and celebrated for their literal actions. I get it.
Yet, few, if any, boys will ever get a chance to kill a terrorist, be bitten by a radioactive spider or build a batcave. But with this other shoe … well, it’s easy to figure out. I can only hope “Eclipse” (Part 3) shows Bella growing into an woman who can live her own life, find successes in school and career, and do so while loving, and being loved by, her undead glittery man. Y’know, something she can call her own. Take up cooking. Professionally, I mean. But, I have feeling she’s going to end up barefoot and pregnant, cooking a blood-soaked meatloaf for her man. If so, then count me out.
Oh, and this whole “don’t make me choose” melodrama. Really? With Bella's unstable Edward fixation, did anyone think the Jacob – including the BFF himself – had a chance? This ending was the sorriest “shocker” I’ve seen since “Signs.” Alas, it doesn’t help that Jacob constantly threatens: “Do not get me upset!” What hilarious horrible writing. I wished just once Jacob would turn Hulk green and sport a bad 1970s wig. But he never did. Just a hairy CGI werewolf.
Ahh, the ‘70s. Diane Keaton would have kicked both these boys to the curb and marched out of town her head held high. That seems like the fantasy film now. Part 1 was cute. This is crap, what's next ... D+
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Dear Steven, I realize I am in the minority on this issue (although I have truly enjoyed the debate). However, I stand by Bella. I have been her champion when people dubbed her as whiny. And I will continue to be her champion throughout. The poor girl has been an introvert her entire life. She never quite fits in anywhere. She's a bit of a bookworm recluse if you will. So when she meets the resident bad boy (ala James Dean in Rebel without a Cause) she gets a little tweaked. I can see why you think she defines herself by her relationship. And Bella, actually sacrificed herself to save her mother in Twilight even if it it was all a ruse. She did so to spare Edward. She wants to sacrifice herself again to save Edward from the Volturi. And as for career goals - what 18-year-old truly knows what they want to be when they grow up? And she actually does have a part-time job. It's just not shown in the movie.
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