Upfront admission: Much of my childhood was dedicated to Real American Hero G.I. Joe and evil terrorist organization Cobra. I do not lie when I say hundreds of hours of my life and that of younger brother James (now serving in the U.S. Army) were dedicated to this Hasbro toy line/cartoon series/comic book mini-world. James was the good guy, collector of G.I. Joe. I happily volunteered to collect the villains. I was a serious Hasbro acolyte. For the love of God, I scripted war “battles.” I made character charts. James must have rolled his eyes the whole time. Poor kid. End admission.
“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a dull-witted, DOA live-action take on the popular 1980s pop culture icon. What looked great in pen and ink to my childhood eyes is wretched in real big-screen life. Terribly so. It can’t even sink/rise to the level of “Flash Gordon” genius awfulness. I was dead bored at the 90 minute mark, and had a half-hour more to go.
For those not in the know: the G.I. Joes are America’s (international in the film) leading military force. The Cobras are a nonpolitical/ nonreligious/ nonsensical terrorist group bent on world rule. G.I. Joe’s mission: Stop Cobra. The story: As the film literally is about Cobra’s origin, we have shady international arms dealer James “Destro” McCullen (Christopher Eccleston of “Dr. Who”) as the main baddie, fighting for control of a set of nano-mite warheads that expel tiny metal-eating robots. That he built. Among the metal victims: The Eifel Tower. Leading the Joes is General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Battles ensue. That’s it, really.
The half dozen writers and director Stephen Sommers (“Van Helsing” and two of the “Mummy” films) try to spruce up the script with laughable character back stories. For instance, good guy Duke (Channing Tatum) once was engaged to wall flower turned deadly villain Baroness (Sienna Miller) before her brother Rex (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – Duke’s BFF -- died in battle on his watch. (All the characters have code names.) Each flash back -- some taken from the comic books, some newly created for film, it doesn’t matter -- is not only a relentless bore but a time killer.
One minor old-time fan nitpick: The silent, black-masked Snake-Eyes, by far the most interesting character in the comics, is here relegated to Lassie status. He points, waves jazz hands, and everyone gets what he’s saying automatically. Even engineering techno-babble. He doesn’t bark, though. It’d be funny (and interesting) if he had.
The film obviously is made for young boys, as are the “Spider-Man” and “Iron Man” films, and I have no doubt my 7-year-old nephew would salivate at the underwater climax. And I’d feel bad for him, because one day he’ll realize he’s been suckered by Hollywood suits spending the GDP of a small country ($170 million) in order to … what? Sell toys. Numb us?
Like the “Transformers” sequel (also based on a Hasbro toy), there is nothing there here. “Iron Man” had Robert Downey Jr.’s tortured soul to ground it. “Spider-Man” had a love for New York City. The explosions, Paris in ruins, characters who die, everything in “Joe” is empty.
Despite the budget, the CGI effects pale next to an average Wii game. Bad dialogue (“The French are very upset!”) and flat (Tatum) or over-the-top acting (Gordon-Levitt under all that makeup) kill any chance of mild enjoyment. D+
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