Movie 43 (2013)

From the folks who gave us “Dumb and Dumber,” the skit comedy “Movie 43” is not the tortuous mess I feared. Oh, it’s ugly, ungainly, and –- far too often -– offensively bigoted against Asians and homosexuals, seriously, watch this film and you’ll think the worst of humanity is a gay Japanese man, but there’s bits of gold -– um, bronze -- among the acres of shit. OK, I enjoyed two shorts. The skits are all wrapped under a blanket story of an madman (Dennis Quaid) who threatens to kill a Hollywood producer (Greg Kinnear) unless the latter buys his abhorrent screenplay. The first story follows a woman (Kate Winslet) blind-dating a man (Hugh Jackman) with a neck scrotum, a malady no one else notices. Pass. It’s not funny. But there’s a later bit about a 1960s basketball coach (Terrence Howard) telling his team, of course, you can kick the white guys’ asses, what are you thinking?!? That’s deft satire. Maybe edging racist, but it’s funny. Also funny: A woman out to kill a pervy cartoon cat. Everything else ... hit that fast forward button when you see Halle Berry. “Catwoman” is no longer her lowpoint. C-

Pandorum (2009)

In space, no one can hear you sigh. “Pandorum” is one of those giddy sci-fi flicks where some monstrous species hunts the crew members of a vast ship, promising thrills, blood and madness. We start off smart with a claustrophobic nightmare as astronaut Bower (Ben Foster) awakens from hyper-sleep in a tube that resembles a coffin. He’s panicked, covered in dead skin tissue and his memory is a wiped-out mess. With the help of his equally dazed and confused commander (Dennis Quaid), Bower learns two things quickly: The ship is a last-ditch haven for the human race, and (!!!) they are not alone. Alas, the dye is cast the second Quaid recalls a story about previous space travelers wigging out crazy after hyper-sleep. Director Christian Alvart and his writers serve up 30-year-old shitty leftovers, from the self-sacrificing minority to the “shocker” betrayal that was obvious an hour before. I love the art design and the penultimate climax with Foster crawling to salvation, but in the end it’s all sighs, few screams. B-

Legion (2010)

God takes a beating in “Legion,” an End of Days thriller that turns the Creator’s angels into metal-winged warriors from “Gladiator,” but with a penchant for machine guns. Paul Bettany plays Michael, God’s bad-ass angel who is going rouge to protect the human race after sourpuss God calls quits and orders killer angel Gabriel (Kevin Durand) to destroy humanity. The remaining humans are led by Dennis Quaid and bottomed out by some chick whose name I didn’t catch as the girl carrying the savior of the human race in her belly. See the “Terminator” reference? No clichés remains unturned as we get redemption galore and two black guys sacrificing themselves for the greater good. The makeup effects rocked, and I just dug wall-crawling demon granny. Bettany is a commanding screen presence, as always. What he’s doing in this brainless flick with a limp ending God only knows. If He cares. C

G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Upfront admission: Much of my childhood was dedicated to Real American Hero G.I. Joe and evil terrorist organization Cobra. I do not lie when I say hundreds of hours of my life and that of younger brother James (now serving in the U.S. Army) were dedicated to this Hasbro toy line/cartoon series/comic book mini-world. James was the good guy, collector of G.I. Joe. I happily volunteered to collect the villains. I was a serious Hasbro acolyte. For the love of God, I scripted war “battles.” I made character charts. James must have rolled his eyes the whole time. Poor kid. End admission.

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” is a dull-witted, DOA live-action take on the popular 1980s pop culture icon. What looked great in pen and ink to my childhood eyes is wretched in real big-screen life. Terribly so. It can’t even sink/rise to the level of “Flash Gordon” genius awfulness. I was dead bored at the 90 minute mark, and had a half-hour more to go.

For those not in the know: the G.I. Joes are America’s (international in the film) leading military force. The Cobras are a nonpolitical/ nonreligious/ nonsensical terrorist group bent on world rule. G.I. Joe’s mission: Stop Cobra. The story: As the film literally is about Cobra’s origin, we have shady international arms dealer James “Destro” McCullen (Christopher Eccleston of “Dr. Who”) as the main baddie, fighting for control of a set of nano-mite warheads that expel tiny metal-eating robots. That he built. Among the metal victims: The Eifel Tower. Leading the Joes is General Hawk (Dennis Quaid). Battles ensue. That’s it, really.

The half dozen writers and director Stephen Sommers (“Van Helsing” and two of the “Mummy” films) try to spruce up the script with laughable character back stories. For instance, good guy Duke (Channing Tatum) once was engaged to wall flower turned deadly villain Baroness (Sienna Miller) before her brother Rex (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – Duke’s BFF -- died in battle on his watch. (All the characters have code names.) Each flash back -- some taken from the comic books, some newly created for film, it doesn’t matter -- is not only a relentless bore but a time killer.

One minor old-time fan nitpick: The silent, black-masked Snake-Eyes, by far the most interesting character in the comics, is here relegated to Lassie status. He points, waves jazz hands, and everyone gets what he’s saying automatically. Even engineering techno-babble. He doesn’t bark, though. It’d be funny (and interesting) if he had.

The film obviously is made for young boys, as are the “Spider-Man” and “Iron Man” films, and I have no doubt my 7-year-old nephew would salivate at the underwater climax. And I’d feel bad for him, because one day he’ll realize he’s been suckered by Hollywood suits spending the GDP of a small country ($170 million) in order to … what? Sell toys. Numb us?

Like the “Transformers” sequel (also based on a Hasbro toy), there is nothing there here. “Iron Man” had Robert Downey Jr.’s tortured soul to ground it. “Spider-Man” had a love for New York City. The explosions, Paris in ruins, characters who die, everything in “Joe” is empty.

Despite the budget, the CGI effects pale next to an average Wii game. Bad dialogue (“The French are very upset!”) and flat (Tatum) or over-the-top acting (Gordon-Levitt under all that makeup) kill any chance of mild enjoyment. D+

Traitor and Vantage Point (2008)

"Traitor" should have been at least good. It spins political wars with ease and stars the under-used Guy Pearce ("Memento") and the always great Don Cheadle ("Hotel Rwanda"). But it doesn't work.

Sudan born and American raised ex-soldier turned arms dealer Samir Horn (Cheadle) is busted in a raid by FBI agent Roy Clayton (Pearce) and Max Archer (Neal McDonough) in the Middle East. Bounced to prison, Samir meets up with Islamic terrorists (including Said Taghmaoui) and eventually escapes with the evil zealots and begins the work of a religious-bent bomber. Archer and Clayton work to stop him.

"Traitor" wants to have a tricky plot, and presents one, but to no avail. Why? Because not for a second did I believe that Cheadle's wise, heroic eyes can hold evil. And Pearce, God bless him he's nearly always wonderful, fails to faithfully portray an American-born Southern Baptist.

Another hitch: the contrived ending is too neat, and makes even the happy conclusion of "Eagle Eye" seem realistic. I truly like the points that writer /director Jeffrey Nachmanoff tries to push forward: That not all Muslims are terrorists nor Arab, and that not all Arabs are Muslims. But the film just fumbles everything else.

Through sheer talent and charisma, Cheadle is terrific as a tortured soul. A scene of Samir praying and weeping in a hotel bathroom is fantastic. Jeff Daniels also has a good, brief role as a CIA chief willing to cross the same lines as a terrorist to reach his self-perceived goals of righteousness. The film's only surprise -- Comedian Steve Martin has story credit. C+

Said Taghmaoui also pops up in "Vantage Point" as a terrorist of non-religious persuasion hell bent on taking out the president of the United States (William Hurt) who is in Spain for a peace conference. There's not much peace, though, as gun fire, explosions, car chases, mass hysteria and girls losing ice cream cones smash upon each other. I'm serious on that last point by the way -- a lost ice cream cone is a major plot point.

Dennis Quaid, hugely under-appreciated as an actor, is heroic Secret Service agent Thomas Barnes, a guy who once took multiple bullets for his boss (Hurt) before and gladly will do so again. Told in the style of the Japanese classic "Rashomon," this thriller shows how Barnes re-acts to an attack on the POTUS in eight or so viewpoints, before settling off to a supposed slam-bang climax. We follow the POTUS, Barnes, a TV producer (Sigourney Weaver), an American tourist (Forest Whitaker) another SS agent (Matthew Fox of "Lost"), a shady maybe/maybe not Spanish policeman (Eduardo Noriega) and others.

Each vantage point is meant to show us different pieces of a complex conspiracy-laden puzzle and it works quite well for 30 minutes of excitement. But, dang, if I didn't spot the surprise bad guy right away. And that slam-bang climax is pure junk as Barnes turns from wounded soul to unbeatable unbelievable Superman, too many coincidences pile up and the never-explained ruthless, nasty terrorists suddenly form a conscious and cause a real pile up.

Let me say this: A better director/writer such as Guillermo del Toro would have let a certain character be mowed down in the street, and shocked the audience into a stupor. But not in this standard Hollywood vehicle directed by Pete Travis and written by Barry Levy. Quaid's character is a stiff, and his talent barely saves the film. Hurt looks bored, while Fox and Whitaker are just not believable in their roles. A great set up followed by a huge body splat on the pavement. C-

Far From Heaven (2002)

Ever see one of those 1950s melodramas where every thing and every person is impossibly perfect? Where mom, dad, son, daughter, house, clothes and mannerisms, even the streets, were scrubbed clean of any blemish? In 2002's "Far From Heaven," director/writer Todd Haynes takes that paradise-like blueprint used in so many WASP films and smashes the dream with notions that "didn't exist" in 1950s America as far as most good patriot consumers were concerned: homosexuality, race discrimination, racial violence and steep economic divides.

I won't give away any plot details except to say the film focuses on three people: WASPs Frank and Cathy Whitaker (Dennis Quaid and Julianne Moore) and African-American Raymond Deagan (Dennis Haysebert).

Haynes shows us a portrait of America that must be closer to the truth than what was presented in films of the era. We know the starched clean, perfect America never existed despite the lies (or false memories) of many of our parents and grandparents and a white, straight, Christian-led government. The dream -- or blatant lie -- was the byproduct of an America in love with itself and its potential, one that gladly ignored and denied anyone who spoke different.

It's an unsettling film for sure, and despite its somber ending, "Far From Heaven" celebrates freedom and the smashing of barriers that separate us. Now, that's an American value that can be celebrated. One of 2002's top five best films. Just awesome. A