Speed Racer (2008)

In the big-screen version of "Speed Racer," the Wachowski Brothers (Andy and Larry) turn a simple cult-hit Japanese cartoon into a live-action mess burdened by an impossible script and eye-popping visuals that prove tortuous after 2 hours and 15 minutes. Emile Hirsch ("Into the Wild") plays Speed, the teen who only feels alive when stomping on the accelerator. I could explain the busy plot involving evil CEOs, gangsters, ninjas, flesh-eating fish and blah blah blah, but I don't have the stamina. Know that I have sinned, though: Speed's kid brother and his pet monkey are so friggin' irritating, I began to think murderous thoughts that no one should ever have about a kid or a monkey. Brothers Andy and Larry wowed film lovers back in 1999 with "The Matrix," but soon turned out one mediocre sequel and a deadly dull finale. Blue, red, green, whatever ... I'm done taking their pills. C-