Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Michael Bay out Michael Bays himself in “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” And that’s not a compliment.

When the end credits rolled on this 150-minute marathon of confusing CGI robot smack downs, massive explosions, fart and pot jokes, and gratuitous girl butt and booby shots, I was exhausted. Not mentally. There’s nothing mental about this film. No, my eyes ached, my ears ringed and my head bobbled about on my sore neck. And days later I’m still not sure if I can tell Megtatron from Starscream.

Who are those guys? Not that Michael Bay really cares, but they are part of Decepticons – a villainous alien robot species bent on wiping out Earth. The Autobots, meanwhile, are the righteous counterpoint – good robots dedicated to saving all life. Both robotic teams “hide” among us by disguising themselves as cars, trucks, planes, construction equipment, coffee makers and anything else big or small, mechanical and electronic.

But, if you’ve seen the first “Transformers” film from 2007, you already know this. And you know Optimus Prime, a robot that can turn into a Peterbilt tractor trailer, is leader of the Autobots and friends with Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a California teen. You also sure as heck know those gratuitous girly butt and booby shots belong to Sam’s girlfriend, played by Megan Fox. I can’t remember her character’s name. Not that it matters either. Bay certainly doesn’t care about her name, or anything Fox can contribute, other than standing still while a ground-level camera pan focuses in where her shorts meet her crotch.

The first “Transformers” was silly high-octane action flick stuffed with the clichés of Bay’s past films -- slow-mo action shots of people running, roving cameras swirling around gap-mouthed actors, and hard-core war porn celebrating all things tough and American. But it also was infused with that “what’s next?” magical spark wonder that gooses so much science fiction. I liked it, despite my movie snob self.

But “Fallen” is missing that spark. It’s burdened with those Bay clichés, all cranked to 100,000, driven from start to finish with a relentless pace that never allows the film to breathe or the viewer (or even characters) to take in the scope of what’s happening. This plot follows exactly that of the first: The Decepticons want an ancient thingamajig hidden at a world landmark that will give them great power over the Autobots and the universe. Rather than Megatron leading the evil charge, though, there is The Fallen – the “first” Decepticon, a cross between The Emperor in “Star Wars” and Lucifer. (Yes, Optimus Prime gets his savior moment.)

So, what does Bay care about? He is a “shot” director. By that, I mean he only cares about setting up the coolest single camera shot ever put on film, with no concern for how it contributes to the story, or character development or anything else on screen. If it looks cool, it goes in. Sunsets in this world last hours. This is why the endless action montages don’t matter worth a gigabyte despite everything CGI looking impressive and shiny. Almost nothing adds up or gels, and I’ll be damned if I could tell the Autobots apart from the Decepticons during any given fight. I’ve never seen an action film where I spent more time figuring who’s kicking whose butt, rather than staring in awe of how that butt is being kicked.

As the robotic faces and bodies are interchangeable on our heroes, so are most of the personalities. Only Optimus and Bumblebee (a Corvette here, despite the name) stand out among dozens of metal characters, each one more irritating than the previous. As for The Fallen, he has to be the biggest let down in my recent film memory, even out-disappointing Darth Maul who went belly up in George Lucas’ “Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace” before you could blink. Actually, I take that back. At least you could tell Darth Maul from the scenery. The personalities of a band of U.S. soldiers also are equally flat. If they all died, I wouldn’t care.

But that’s typical Bay for you. All pulverizing shock and awe with nothing to back it up.

One kicker I can’t get out of my head: Early in the film, the Decepticons send a robot spy in the guise of a sorority party girl to track Sam. The girl certainly looks real (Bay’s camera probes her body as it does Fox’s. Seriously, this man must base his whole concept of women on old Van Halen videos), so this means the villains have perfected the art of mimicking humans – flesh, weight, skin tone, saliva and organs. Not just creating 4-D holograms of motorists and pilots. And once sorority robogirl is decimated, the point is never brought up again. It just falls by the way side like so much in the film (how ‘bout that satellite?). It could have goosed the hell out of this franchise: What if … oh, never mind. I’m nit-picking script points and not thinking of that sweet orange-hued closing shot of a sunset, with our heroes on the deck of an aircraft carrier.

Sure was pretty. And in slow mo. And meaningless. A true Michael Bay moment. D+