Muppets Most Wanted (2014)

“Muppet Most Wanted” opens after 2011’s “The Muppets” ends as our beloved heroes bask in new found fame until they realize the still-present camera means one thing: Sequel. The Muppets have always played with the fourth wall and the jokes come fast. The opening song declares sequels as inferior and –- in an inspired bit -– surmises aloud that parent company Disney only green lit this because it’s still holding for “Toy Story 4.” The plot, though, is inferior, clever bits aside. Ricky Gervais plays an oily talent manager who fools the gang into a European tour that is a ruse to rob museums, masterminded by his frog boss, a Kermit look-alike with only a facial mole to set him apart. And a twerpy Russian accent. And no talent. Meanwhile, Kermit is sent to a Siberian prison run by Tina Fey, and housed by the likes of Ray Liotta and Danny Trejo, expert villains. There are many cameos. None must see. Director James Bobin goes for the spirit and madcap anything goes jokes of the older films, but the “Shawshank” and “Silence of the Lambs” winks ring awkward. That said, few entertainments balm one’s soul as well as the sight of Beeker. B

ParaNorman (2012)

First off: An admission. I held the real ParaNorman the day after watching Laika Animation kid comedy/ horror “ParaNorman,” the studio’s stop-motion follow up to 2009’s “Coraline.” I was and remain in awe. This tale of a loner boy (voiced by Kodi Smit-McPhee of “The Road”) who can see and talk to the spirits of the dead –- including his own late grandma -- is not as grand, terrifying, or eyeballs-out amazing as the earlier film, but directors Sam Bell and Chris Butler had no room to go up. Oh, well. Naturally, Norman’s powers do not sit well with family or teachers, and when the boy starts seeing tell-tale signs of doom for his witch-obsessed town, every small trace of luck he has vanishes. Next up: Hero time. This creepy cool film bucks rules and isn’t afraid to go edgy as Norman once refers to the “F” bomb without saying it. The attention to detail astounds: Bony fingers peel wood, and the boy’s zombie slippers are a sight to behold. Only the ending sinks with too many story pauses and a complete lack of the grandmom who previously said she’d always protect Norman. Story hiccup? No idea. A marvelous watch. A-

Riddick (2013)

Vin Diesel’s night-vision bad ass hero returns in the aptly named “Riddick,” a sequel to the overstuffed “Dune”-wannabe “Chronicles of Riddick,” a boring, wrongly safe PG-13 pitched sequel to the lean “Pitch Black,” a bloody R-rated flick. Life is restored. Mostly. Think of Riddick as akin to the Man With No Name films set in space, but here we know the man’s name. A man of few words, Riddick is a just killer hunted by criminals and lawmen alike. (If only he smoked, but even that is too un-P.C.) Minutes from the start he is stranded on a blighted planet and becomes the prey of bounty hunters (among them is Katee Sackhoff of TV’s “Battlestar Galactica”). Mayhem ensues before hunters and hunted must join forces to battle freakish worms that thrive at night. So the plot is “Pitch Black” throwback, but the worms slurping out of the mud and eating people had me thinking of the Kevin Bacon comedy “Tremors.” And laughing. Oops. I liked the Sergio Leone feel; hated the unneeded female nudity and the tired “Chronicles” follow-ups best left forgotten. Vin Diesel makes a great hero with a growl. Put this man in a Western already. B-

Pitch Perfect (2012)

College a cappella comedy “Pitch Perfect” stands among many a film, from “Mean Girls” to a thousand comedies where the cool outsider joins the team of almost-winners (losers) and puts them over the top for a finale guaranteed to leave you grinning. Certainly, though, “Perfect” has to be the first movie about an a cappella group, although I can’t tell if a cappella equals glee clubs or not. Anna Kendrick -- who seems to de-age every year -- plays cool DJ music masher Becca who ends up joining an all-female singing group, because damn it, she loves music. The group is run by a princess (Anna Camp) destined for a drubbing. The group is stuck in tradition, and they need Becca, who can make music from a cup bopped on wood. They get it. Duh. I liked the music and the way Australian comic Rebel Wilson steals every scene with just a shrug. What I did not like: The cruel Asian stereotypes that I hope are ironic toss-backs to those ’80s John Hughes films (“Sixteen Candles”) that endorsed Asian racism. (God bless John Hughes. RIP.) I’ll be a ca-optimistic. B

Ender’s Game (2013)

I have not read “Ender’s Game,” but I imagined it a sci-fi “All Quiet on the Western Front,” with children pushed into war, facing the horror of taking another life or forfeiting one’s own. 

That was my thinking going into this epic with Harrison Ford as a ruthless military commander and Asa Butterfield (“Hugo”) as the young hero nicknamed Ender pushed into action, his talent resting on war game tactics. 

The war is in outer space against arachnid-like creatures that seem a staple of sci-fi, and SyFy. Years ago -– the movie’s past, our future -– the beings attacked Earth. We beat them, barely, but now they’re back. All of humanity rests on young warriors -– rough age 15 -- sent into space to do battle. Why no adults? Youth play better outside the rules. 

Imagine the weight of that. I mean the emotional weight. Horror. Fear. Awe. Being 15 and in outer space. “Ender’s” has none of that. It’s inert, unable to fully comprehend its moral quandary -– child soldiers –- that is, sadly, not uncommon even today. 

The supposed shocking left hook that ends Ender never fully lands because director Gavin Hood (“X-men: Wolverine”) has never lets us see the stakes of these kids’ lives, or those of their families, or Earth. There is no threat. (And any faux threat is poorly faked.)

Everything is implied (badly) as these brainy youth practice Zero G laser tag for a battle they’ll never encounter. The enemy is only encountered in simulations or dreams, and how can we understand *that*. 

Oh, Butterfield is a great actor, and you can see how the boy is not faking playing the smartest kid in the room. But as a character, Ender never hooked me. Ditto Hailee Steinfeld as fellow warrior. She has little to go on, but Supportive Female, and the intensity she brought to “True Grit” evaporates. 

Scenes involving Ender being bullied, once in a shower, fail to bring the least hint of danger. Because the bully is a foot shorter and a blockhead. 

“Game” has no strategy except perfect CGI and important Actors (Ben Kingsley, Viola Davis, and Ford, the latter looking as if he’d just rather retire) standing about to remind us we are watching Something Important. No. 

A film, even YA-targeted, tackling *this* subject matter should leave one horrified, not set up for a spiffy sequel that feels laughably like, well, Spaceman Spiff. “Hunger Games” plays far harder. C-

Get Carter (1971)

I am supposed to love “Get Carter,” the gritty Brit mob flick about a London enforcer (Michael Caine) going home to north England to kill the bastards who popped his connected brother. And, damn it, Caine is friggin’ brutal bad ass in the role, swinging a woman into bed or swinging a rifle into another man’s skull. But I just could not get into this film, directed by Mike Hodges – who made “Pulp” with Caine, and later “Flash Gordon.” So, I didn’t get “Carter.” There are too many trite names –- Alexes and Allans and Alberts –- and too many scenes where Caine’s Carter has to drive someone palace to meet some guy to talk about another guy he has to go drive to and see and talk some more. And, hey, did Carter even like his brother? No. A gangster film should be watched leaned in, eyes ready for the next blast of violence, not spent studying the bloke under the shepherd’s cap wondering, Now who’s he? The ending, though, knocks you back into the seat. If only all that came previous were as direct. B-

2013: Best and Worst

Oscars are handed out and I realize I never did my Best/Worst of 2013. Oops. But who can blame me? I live in the sticks. If it’s “art house” good, I see it in March. Maybe. With my tardiness, I’m skipping a formal numbered Top 10, bottom 5. Brevity is key now.

The Best

No film floored me in 2013 quite like “12 Years a Slave,” a real American horror/history story. It is the truth to the lies of that other Oscar winner of American lies, “Gone with the Wind.” A must see.

Yet, I had no better time in a theater last year than “Gravity,” an amazing piece of film-making. And it has an equal companion, “All is Lost.” A woman adrift in space, a man lost at sea. Each facing hopelessness. These films are odd, perfect twins that hit me perfectly square in the chest and head, and why not as I turn 40. They are my No. 1 choices, tied.

Call “12 Years” a very close second. It certainly is the most vital film of 2013.

The rest from 4 down: Romantic drama “Her” -- again about a lonely man, notice a theme here? -- and family documentary “Stories We Tell.” Each told new stories with power. 

Trilogy closer “Before Midnight” seemed to spool out as a captured reality, while “American Hustle” and “Wolf of Wall Street” played two wild games of comedy from too-strange real events set in New York.

I also loved the Coen Brothers’ “Inside Llewyn Davis.” Issac Davis just another cool cat.

Closing out at No. 10, another tale at sea,“Captain Phillips,” with Tom Hanks, also staring down death while soaking wet, but desperate to be alone. 

Is this list complete? No. It will change many times. For now, it will do.

The Worst

No film pissed me off more in 2013 than “A Good Day to Die Hard,” an abomination on the 1988 classic action film. That film played for humanity among all the fireworks. “AGDTDH” is soul-dead garbage. 

Four more grating entries: “The Lone Ranger,” “The Host,” “Percy Jackson 2,” and “Fifth Estate.” 

Again, sure to change. But I doubt “AGDTDH” will be bottomed.

The Wind Rises (2014)

Animation legend Hayao Miyazaki has called –- only to retract the statement -- “The Wind Rises” his final film. Thank goodness. We need Miyazaki. “Wind” is unlike anything in Miyazaki’s past, eschewing pure fantasy, it’s a dream-heavy dramatic take on engineer Jiro Horikoshi (Hideaki Anno) who would design for the prototype fighter jet that would spawn the infamous Zero plane of World War II. Horikoshi -– an innocent whose dreams of piloting are mooted by poor eye sight and haunted by a devastating earthquake –- knows his designs will be used in war. His childhood dreams of flight were marked by scenes of war early on and as he grows older, the darkness only increases until a massive group of glimmering planes become a graveyard of wreckage. He proceeds anyway, despite his desire to build aircraft to improve, not dominate lives. “Wind” stops far short of calling Horikoshi’s work criminal. Could he have refused the work? Miyazaki introduces empirical reality as Horikoshi’s “patriotism” is questioned, and his romantic marriage is put to the side for work. Put aside politics and nationalism, this is great unequaled work of art, of a dreamer by one of our greatest dreamers. The animation here is breathtaking, unparalleled. A

Nebraska (2013)

Alexander Payne has made many drama/comedies with characters stuck in shit situations that skate the line of full-on farce. In “Nebraska,” Payne goes back home to tell a story about an old guy who won’t go out happy or content, but in a mess. Similarities to “About Schmidt” end here. Woody Grant (Bruce Dern, just damn amazing) is on the edge of dementia, brought about by age, hastened by booze. Woody reads a scam advertisement letter and thinks he’s won a $1 million and no one not his wife (June Squibb) or son (Will Forte, long past “SNL”) can convince his otherwise. The son decides a car trip to “collect” the faux prize will cure pop, with a stop in Walt’s dying hometown as a balm. Payne’s tale -- written by Bob Nelson -– plays at the great losses Nebraska and much of America has suffered, with cars lasting decades a thing of the past, and days of families building their homes by hand a faint memory. The movie is great in those moments, especially in stark black-and-white. But Payne introduces too many dull hick stereotypes too often, and one gets the sense that his American mourning comes with a wink. B+

Last Vegas (2013)

The pitch for “Last Vegas” must have sounded thusly, “It’s the ‘Hangover,’ but with old people!” But PG-13, of course. Impossible to hate, difficult to love, “Last” stars Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Kline, and Robert De Niro as life-long pals raised in a sunny, racially-harmonic 1950s Brooklyn straight out of Quebec that reunite decades later after the hot-shot playboy millionaire –- that’s Douglas -– finally decides to marry. The bride is 31 years old. Naturally, the pals fret. So Vegas, lots of booze and gambling, lots of fighting with automatic car doors and cell phones, and lots of wide-eyed stares at the shiny world. Then the quartet throw a raucous bachelor party that attracts the MTV crowd with one big ick moment: A college-aged girl tosses her naked body at Kline’s married horn dog, just hours after she tells him he looks exactly like her granddad. He demurs, but for oral sex, and comes out the hero. The incest remark goes unnoticed. The only reason to watch “Last” -- much like “Stand Up Guys” -– is to see great actors slightly tweak characters they played long ago in far better movies. It’s barely enough. B-

Inside Llewyn Davis (2013)

Ethan and Joel Coen again trade up genres with “Inside Llewyn Davis,” a morbid, often hilarious musical biopic unlike those about Johnny Cash or Ray Charles. See, Llewyn Davis –- played by Oscar Issac in an Oscar-worthy performance –- does not strike it rich, land the girl, and get a celebrity to play him in a big movie. This is the guy who doesn’t make it. He’s among the hundreds of crooners whose records sit unpurchased, him on a street corner playing between car horns. Davis is a folk singer in 1961 New York who pisses on success and press coverage, yet rues his laughable inability to gain a foothold to be heard. The character is indeed fictional, but his story rings more true than that of Bob Dylan (who can be heard at the finale). Some critics dumped on “Davis” because they see the Coens as torturing their hero for sick laughs. Wrong. They love this guy despite all his incredible blundering errors. They just cut the bullshit and remind us in our “American Idol” instant-celebrity era, that no, not everyone gets that happy ending. They get punched. Issac is fantastic, as an actor and musician. And good to see John Goodman again. A-

2 Guns (2013)

“2 Guns” has Denzel Washington doing that cool swagger that he does and Mark Whalberg pelting out words like a machine gun, with Edward James Olmos and Bill Paxton as villains, one quiet and the other all show and tell. The quartet sell “Guns” well, because its plot is a mess that blows itself apart -– with a literal bang -- when our antiheroes storm a Navy base and firebomb an office building, and the act is never mentioned again. Post-9/11 that gag falls flat dead, no matter who’s selling. Washington and Wahlberg play undercover agents (DEA and Naval Intel) who are unaware of each other’s identity as they try to nab a drug lord (Olmos). When the duo pulls off a questionable bank robbery to take EJO’s $3 million fortune, they wind up taking $43 million. Why? Just because. Thusly, all hell (with Paxton as Satan) breaks loose. I like an overblown buddy flick, but “Guns” has its leads brag, “Bet you didn’t see that coming!,” on repeat before doing something I did see coming, because I saw “Lethal Weapon” and “ButchCassidy.” Two guns? Give us two new ideas. B-