The Last Stand (2013)

Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick “The Last Stand” ends with a car chase through a corn field. Fitting. The whole movie is a retro-80s action flick with Ahnuld taking on the “High Noon” Gary Cooper role: The aging sheriff facing outlaws who have invaded his Western town. Happily, he stands not alone, but with a pack of deputies and locals (including an NRA freak played by Johnny Knoxville). The invader is a drug lord (Eduardo Noriega) who escapes his FBI captors (led by Forrest Whitaker) and speeds in a demon race car toward our hero’s Mexican border town. He shall not pass. Director Kim Jee-woon and we know Arnold is no longer the screen powerhouse he used to be, so the supporting cast is vital for heavy-lifting, none better than Peter Stormare (“Fargo”) as a psycho with an accent like an BBQ-acid-chugging Swedish Chef. The finale blasts old-school over-the-top action while tweaking cowboy cliches, hence that corn field. The politics split with our hero ripping incompetent fed overlords, while stomping ass and shouting huzzahs for all immigrants. B

Ronin (1998)

“Manchurian Candidate” -– absolute favorite film -- director John Frankenheimer helms the heist flick “Ronin,” but this is David Mamet’s ride, from frame one. Every double fake-out betrayal twist built in this ’70s European cinema homage bears Mamet’s stamp of black ink and blood red humor, more so than his “Untouchables.” A behind-the-scenes squabble left Mamet out of the credits. Whatever. The fury-hot tough-guy talk? Razors and laughs that sting like bullets? Mamet. Perfectly set in France with Robert De Niro as leader of a band of crooks hired by an Irish dame (Natascha McElhone) to steal a metal briefcase (contents: unimportant) from guys in suits driving fancy cars, “Ronin” is all about -– as every Mamet work –- the smartest guy holding the gun. The jagged post-robbery fuck-up has cars punching high speeds through Paris, “Bullitt” carnage thrilling. De Niro is on fire, kicking man balls raw. I miss this actor, scary and tense. The pull-a-card plot thrives on coincidences and WTF sights (ice skating???) no thriller can bear, but Frankenheimer pushes onward cold and cruel, smashing cars and trucks, pushing a Raging Bull to one of his last, great roles. An imperfect must watch. B+

Olympus Has Fallen (2013)

“Olympus Has Fallen” is a ridiculous “Die Hard” knock-off that pits a lone hero (Gerard Butler of “300”) against a pack of terrorists at the White House, but -- ironically, maybe – is far better than the POS “Die Hard 6” ever hoped to be. That’s a lukewarm compliment. This is the kind of flick one watches in silent awe because of the riotous onscreen tug-of-war between “blow ’em up” fist-pump carnage and “can you believe this?” brain-killer stupidity. Case in point: After North Korean terrorists attack the White House, killing hundreds of people, taking hostage the president (Aaron Eckhart), and grabbing control of all U.S. nukes, the speaker of the house (Morgan Freeman) appears on TV and dumbly declares, “Our government is 100 percent functional.” Seriously! Not even Mr. Freeman can sell that crap. He tries. I laughed. Director Antoine Fugu (“Training Day”) has built a beat-for-beat rip-off of the 1988 classic, down to the Army helicopter crash, minus the Twinkie. At least “Olympus" never pretends to be anything but a B-grade shadow of a knock-off, and that goes a long way for slack. Butler is no Bruce Willis, though, and his wisecrack attempts ring hollow. How’s “White House Down”? C+

Bullitt (1968)

Steve McQueen’s “Bullitt” is justifiably famous for its long, crazy car chase through the up-down-up hills of San Francisco. It’s a killer scene, even if the villain’s car pops hubcaps like the Hyrda grows heads. Best bit: Before the chase begins, the mafia getaway driver calmly buckles his seatbelt. Perfect detail. It sets the tension while making a literal joke of that line in “All About Eve.” But before all that begins, we start in Chicago as a man is hunted by assassins as truly ugly opening credits jump and ricochet on screen, rendering the action a visual mess. Small fault. We bounce to McQueen as SFPD detective Bullitt as he’s tasked with a court witness baby-sit job under order from a soulless DA (Robert Vaughn). The job is tied to the failed hit we just saw and the mob hits back successfully, leaving Bullitt racing to outwit the bad guys and heel Vaughn’s prick. “Bullitt” works wonders far more than the cars with its on-the-street Bay Area locales, foot chases through hospital corridors and a bustling airport, and McQueen’s perfectly dressed no-bullshit hero, the absolute of cool. Also tops: Pre-stardom’s Robert Duvall’s cabbie. A-

Elysium (2013)

After South African filmmaker Neil Blomkamp made instant classic “District 9,” he had to go big. So, it’s inevitable that his studio summer flick “Elysium” would disappoint. The hero here is Max (Matt Damon), an do-gooder ex-con in 2154 who suffers an accidental death-sentence radiation dose at work, where he builds the RoboCops that abuse the populace. Max won’t die quiet. He wants to get his ass to Elysium, a glistening, guarded spaceship hovering over Earth like a second moon. Ninety-nine percenters alert: Elysium is home only to the rich, and features medical machines that cure any injury or illness. Earth? It’s crowded, dying. Now oddly armored with an exoskeleton from “Aliens,” Max is out for Elyisum, but has to pass through a bounty hunter (Sharlto Copley of “9”) and a military honcho (Jodie Foster, dishing a whack accent). Bound to Hollywood cliché now, Blomkamp tosses in an angelic childhood sweetheart (Alice Braga) with an adorable Dickens preschooler with end-stage leukemia, who also needs curing. What will Max do? Blomkamp’s visuals thrill, but as the climax grinds too easy and “9” echoed too deeply, his leftist sci-fi throwdown feels a weak second effort. B

Sharknado and Pacific Rim (both 2013)

“Sharknado” and “Pacific Rim.” Two films, two end-of-world disasters. One winner, but not who you or I expect.

There’s a scene at the end of craptastic cheap-o SyFy Channel flick “Sharknado” that drops the mike on “Pacific Rim,” a $200 million summer CGI flick from writer/director Guillermo del Toro. Facing raining sharks, heroic bar owner Ian Ziering (“Beverly Hills, 90210”) grabs a chainsaw (!) and leaps into the mouth (!!!) of a shark as it jumps him (!!!!). He then slices his way out of the beast, dragging with him his blood-soaked barmistresses, who was swallowed hole and mid-air by the same shark moments before. Brilliant! 

That gem of Fuck It! lunacy comes after a god-awful film that’s a high mark of guilty-pleasure joy. (Alternating between pain and hilarity: Watching Tara Reid “act,” girl cannot stand still without appearing as if the act is taxing her I.Q.) 

Shot and edited seemingly on the fly by director Anthony Ferrante, “Sharknado” makes you think, “Why hasn’t anyone done this before?” No wonder this $2 million flick jumped to theaters. This is a film to watch with an audience, preferably drunk. Take a shot every time the light mismatches. (You'll be under the table before 10 minutes are done.)

“Rim” has been dubbed “original” by critics, an odd gesture as the entire premise of giant robots fighting giant dino-monsters has been the fodder of afternoon playtime by millions of 10-year-old boys. Roar!  Punch! Crash! Is there more? No. Every character is “one-note,” from Grieving Action Hero to Angry Australian and Tough Boss. Dull. Among the cast is Idris Elba,a great Brit actor who cannot decide on an accent, his native Brit, or some bad put-on American accent. Mind you, I would never complain to his face.

But this is not about people, only the spectacle of massive Iron Men trash beating Jurassic Park monsters from another dimension. The kick in the face, though: Every battle takes places at night in the rain, or under water in the dark, rendering details blurry. The heart of the 10-year-old inside me sunk. 

Still, a few scenes rule: A baby monster goes after a character in a jump, pause, jump scene that is an absolute howl. Buildings get knocked around, whole ships get used as bats, and -- in a scene that plays like a bunch of kids making up the rules as they go along -- a hero robot pulls out a magic sword to render an opponent asunder. That is not a hidden message, I mean a magic sword is pulled out of no where. The laughter is intended, yes? I hope.

It’s not all a loss. Del Toro, who made child-horror classic “Pan’s Labyrinth,” one of the best films of young century, has great fun with a plot involving two mad scientists –- one a mathematician (Burn Gorman) with the voice of Ludwig Von Drake, and the other a fan boy biologist (Charlie Day) with the personality of Louis Tully from “Ghostbusters.” The duo is joined by Ron “Hellboy” Perlman as a trader of monster flesh who meets a fate crazily similar to that of Ziering in “Sharknado.” But, post credits, he only has a wussy switchblade to freedom. Against a chainsaw, that will not do. Not for del Toro.

Sharknado:  B+ / Pacific Rim: B-

Escape from L.A. (1996)

“Escape from L.A.” has to be joke. Whether it’s on or with the audience, I cannot say for sure. John Carpenter’s sequel to the 1981 cult hit “Escape from New York” marks the riotously silly return of monosyllabic, one-eyed, not very bright, but ass-kicker king Snake Plissken (Kurt Russell, who also co-wrote the film) as he’s again dropped into a future hellhole American city with another do-or-die mission. The special effects range from mildly ugly to unfit for a film school entry and the music score is torture. Carpenter and Russell, though, take grinning digs at Los Angeles life, plastic surgeries as “House of Wax” horror, and –- best of all -- create a political satire more relevant even now. This America is in 2013, with a Jesus freak Virginian as president bent on exiling all “sinners,” with the White House in Lynchburg, home of the wrongly named Liberty University. Ken Cuccinelli could be this prez, if he’s ever given the chance. Don’t fret, righties. Lefties get the pole with a Che Guevara knock-off. Both sides, screwed raw in the back. Nice. The action is knowingly laughable, with Pam Grier as a *man* who can fly. Sort of. B-