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“Olympus
Has Fallen” is a ridiculous “Die Hard” knock-off that pits a lone hero (Gerard
Butler of “300”) against a pack of terrorists at the White House, but --
ironically, maybe – is far better than the POS “Die Hard 6” ever hoped to be.
That’s a lukewarm compliment. This is the kind of flick one watches in silent awe
because of the riotous onscreen tug-of-war between “blow ’em up” fist-pump carnage
and “can you believe this?” brain-killer stupidity. Case in point: After North
Korean terrorists attack the White House, killing hundreds of people, taking
hostage the president (Aaron Eckhart), and grabbing control of all U.S. nukes, the
speaker of the house (Morgan Freeman) appears on TV and dumbly declares, “Our government
is 100 percent functional.” Seriously! Not even Mr. Freeman can sell that crap.
He tries. I laughed. Director Antoine Fugu (“Training Day”) has built a
beat-for-beat rip-off of the 1988 classic, down to the Army helicopter crash, minus
the Twinkie. At least “Olympus" never pretends to be anything but a B-grade shadow of a knock-off, and that goes a long way for slack. Butler is no Bruce Willis, though, and his wisecrack attempts ring
hollow. How’s “White House Down”? C+
Irony
has a queen: “Twilight” Sulk Queen Kristen Stewart plays a
woman more fare than Charlize Theron in “Snow White and The Huntsman.” The former is, of course, the orphaned princess whose life
is ruined by her evil step-momma (Theron). This version skews toward
horror with director Rupert Sanders laying on the foreboding atmosphere thick
as Tim Burton in “Sleepy Hollow,” before it jumps into a WTF war film of castle
storming. Snow White as Aragorn? Yep. Every time my cinematic soul jumped at a
great visual or beloved actor –- Bob Hoskins! –- it was dashed by the
banality of ripped ideas from other movies. A beefcake love triangle for our
heroine, with the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) versus a prince (Sam Clafin) begs
the question: Who thought that was a good idea? Neither man sparkles in
sunlight. Theron oozes darkest evil, roaring over everyone as a sickly twisted
feminist from hell. Best bit: The magic mirror on the wall is merely a warped
delusion of her sick mind. Stewart is uninspiring and flat, her
suddenly-a-bad-ass-warrior let’s-kick-ass “Braveheart” speech is a snicker.
The second Snow White dud of 2012. C-
No one gets abducted
in “Abduction,” but for a “Bourne Identity” Junior knock-off staring the
scowling werewolf from “Twilight,” I guess the title “Who’s My Daddy?”
would not drag in the non-teenage fans, huh? It’s almost unfair to dub
“Abduction” a “Bourne” knock-off, it’s a boot-licking mash note that name
drops Matt Damon. The plot: High school misfit Nathan Parker (Taylor Lautner) learns from a missing children website that he is not quite himself. Just as Nathan confronts his “parents” (Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello), goons storm the suburban home. Guns blaze! Mom down! Dad down! Boy on
the run, with a gal (Lilly Collins of “Mirror, Mirror”) in tow! See, Serbian terrorists
set up the very website knowing that one day Nathan would visit it and flee right
into their insidious trap to outsmart Nathan’s real father, a brilliant ex-CIA
agent. Whew! Why not a Craig’s List ad? John Singleton directs on snooze, his
“Boyz ’N the Hood” days long gone. Lautner acts listlessly here as he does in “Twilight.”
Suspense? Zero. Unintended laughs? A villain warns, “There’s a bomb in the
oven!” and our heroes run to check the oven! Hilarious. C-
