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Leave it
to “Twilight” writer Stephanie Meyer to create an aliens-take-over-the-world drama
involving a vapid teen girl torn between two boys who –- I kid you not -– at different
points choke and punch her. That’s “The Host.” Much like the creepy romance of “Twilight.”
The story: All of humanity has been body-snatched by glowing alien crawfish
that plunder one’s consciousness, rendering people thoughtless puppets. Melanie
(Saoirse Ronan) -– our “heroine” -- is thus soul-sucked, but her urge to rejoin kin/fellow
resistance fighters is so strong, she rebels inside her own head. This leads
to Ronan endlessly and out loud debating her own voice-over, resulting in our alternating
cringing and laughing. The girl(s) finds her tribe-like people, including two
interchangeable guys who -– as I said -– thump her. Why? Melanie is now untrustworthy.
The Meyer trick: Human Melanie and Crawfish Melanie are each in love with one
of the guys. Neither ever considers, “Wow, these assholes hit women. I’m out.”
Meyer. Director Andrew Niccol has done better future sci-fi with “Gattaca,” and
Ronan rocked in “Atonement” and “Hanna.” Her irises glowing like “Tron” discs
and reciting drivel, she evaporates here. The “months later” epilogue feels all
too true. D-
Alien-abduction
thriller/faux documentary flick “The Fourth Kind” plays on conspiracy paranoia
for horror scares and mocking hilarity, dishing out a triple-dog daring opener as
actress Milla Jovovich – swirling camera and crazy lights galore -– looks dead
at the camera and announces she is actress Milla Jovovich, and this is a movie.
She plays “real-life” young widow and psychiatrist Abigail Tyler, who has a
series of patients haunted by creepy owls. Except the owls –- “Twin
Peaks” reference! –- are not what they seem. Director Olatunde Osunsanm -– who also plays himself –- rides his
clever gimmick hard, showing the “real” Tyler as played by Charlotte Milchard
and videotape footage “she” filmed during patient interviews, cutting it with
the actors re-creating the events with Hollywood gusto. It’s all outlandish, but isn’t
every UFO kidnap story? And Osansanm knows it. Alas, he derails the film with
a blowhard sheriff (Will Patton spit-spewing) threatening arrest
and charges against our heroine with no reason whatsoever, and even in a film
built on illogic, it suffocates the “is this real?” joke pitch to death, so not
even Alex Jones would buy in. Shame, too. What comes before is out of this
world. B-
No one gets abducted
in “Abduction,” but for a “Bourne Identity” Junior knock-off staring the
scowling werewolf from “Twilight,” I guess the title “Who’s My Daddy?”
would not drag in the non-teenage fans, huh? It’s almost unfair to dub
“Abduction” a “Bourne” knock-off, it’s a boot-licking mash note that name
drops Matt Damon. The plot: High school misfit Nathan Parker (Taylor Lautner) learns from a missing children website that he is not quite himself. Just as Nathan confronts his “parents” (Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello), goons storm the suburban home. Guns blaze! Mom down! Dad down! Boy on
the run, with a gal (Lilly Collins of “Mirror, Mirror”) in tow! See, Serbian terrorists
set up the very website knowing that one day Nathan would visit it and flee right
into their insidious trap to outsmart Nathan’s real father, a brilliant ex-CIA
agent. Whew! Why not a Craig’s List ad? John Singleton directs on snooze, his
“Boyz ’N the Hood” days long gone. Lautner acts listlessly here as he does in “Twilight.”
Suspense? Zero. Unintended laughs? A villain warns, “There’s a bomb in the
oven!” and our heroes run to check the oven! Hilarious. C-
