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I have a love/hate thing with the Wachowski
siblings Andy and Lana (ne Larry). “Matrix”? One of the best action films
ever. Sequels? Crap. “Cloud Atlas”? An epic too messy to land, but I loved the
struggle. Now comes “Jupiter Ascending,” a sci-fi jumble of storyboards turned
into overdone CGI fireworks that never spark. The Wachowskis think they have
something as profound as “Dune” on their hands. Reality: This is nothing more
than a “Flash Gordon” retread, complete with the space-man hero (Channing
Tatum) crashing through a cathedral ceiling to save the damsel (Mina Kunis)
from marrying some wicked creep. And it’s not even funny. Tatum’s hero is a half-man/half-dog
soldier, while Kunis plays a janitor who is the reincarnated clone of a dead
space queen. When Tatum’s hero tells Jones she *owns* Earth, literally, our gal gawks and
wonders if he *loves* her. Is she 14? Mentally afflicted? Sean Bean sulks
about, bored. Eddie Redmayne -– hot off “Theory of Everything” –- fly spits everywhere, over-acting. Nonsensical, edited to ribbons -– continuity errors
abound -– and insanely overly complicated, I should have taken the blue pill. D
In “The Croods,” Dreamworks’
sticks a Griswald-like family in the Stone Age, cave people still moping around
with no fire and staring helpless as the land mass known as Pangaea breaks
apart to form what we now recognize as Earth. (Try explaining this to your 4-year-old.)
Plot: Ignorant dad (Nicolas Cage) is scared of all things new, while teen
daughter Eep (Emma Stone) is ready to explore and push pop’s rules off a cliff.
So, yes, it’s “Brave” B.C., with the inevitable scene where grumpy dad admits
he’s wrong, and spunky kid is right. A genre staple as old as cave drawings,
for sure. We’ll see it again. But even “Croods” cannot carry its story to the
finish, switching midway from Eep’s perspective to the father’s. (It’s all so beware-climate-change liberal heavy-handed, even I blanched.) Much of the
animation surprises, though: Prehistoric pets are imagined outside the box
and will delight children and adults, and a gag involving early photography got
this shutterbug laughing. The rest: Forgettable. C+
“After Earth” must be
mocked. How else to react to a sci-fi survivalist tale from once-great director/writer M.
Night Shyamalan that is set on a desolated/abandoned future Earth, but one that
looks like a commercial for a tropical adventure? (Cities? There are none.) This is absolute unintended comedy, a wonder of miscalculation.
Despite MNS’s name, Will Smith is the man in charge as producer and story
creator, and it isn’t even his vehicle. The star is Smith’s teenage son Jaden, who
had better luck and better support in pop’s “Pursuit of Happyness” and the recent
“Karate Kid” remake. The syrupy story has a “Great Santini” father (Will) and
his green horn son (Jaden) all angry dinner scowls and then later crashing
their space shuttle on said Earth. Naturally, the duo must bond as son serves
as the “avatar” hero of his father, whose legs are shattered. Also in the shuttle
and now loose on Earth because no space cliché can go untouched: A slimy monster that eats people. I can take hodge-podge films that wink at their theft,
but “Earth” is blindly, awkwardly convinced of its own “inspirational” Hallmark gruel. It's just gruel. Younger Smith looks miserable. C-
After South
African filmmaker Neil Blomkamp made instant classic “District 9,” he had to go
big. So, it’s inevitable that his studio summer flick “Elysium” would disappoint.
The hero here is Max (Matt Damon), an do-gooder ex-con in 2154 who suffers an
accidental death-sentence radiation dose at work, where he builds the RoboCops
that abuse the populace. Max won’t die quiet. He wants to get his ass to
Elysium, a glistening, guarded spaceship hovering over Earth like a second moon.
Ninety-nine percenters alert: Elysium is home only to the rich, and features medical
machines that cure any injury or illness. Earth? It’s crowded, dying. Now oddly
armored with an exoskeleton from “Aliens,” Max is out for Elyisum, but has to pass
through a bounty hunter (Sharlto Copley of “9”) and a military honcho (Jodie
Foster, dishing a whack accent). Bound to Hollywood cliché now, Blomkamp tosses
in an angelic childhood sweetheart (Alice Braga) with an adorable Dickens preschooler with
end-stage leukemia, who also needs curing. What will Max do? Blomkamp’s visuals thrill, but as the climax
grinds too easy and “9” echoed too deeply, his leftist sci-fi throwdown feels a weak second effort. B
Futuristic thriller “Oblivion”
is a surprising effort from Tom Cruise and director/writer Joseph Kosinski for all the wrong reasons: It’s a dud film timed for Earth Day. Every scene, fight, character, and
reveal is recycled from better films in my DVD
collection.
Cruise is Jack, a memory-wiped repair guy on a wasted 2077 Earth who looks
after massive machinery that provides energy for humanity, now stored up on a spaceship
and ready to bolt for distant refuge. Jack is alone but for his monotone (and ginger-haired) companion (Andrea Riseborough) who runs
his life. A robot in high heels, her.
“Oblivion” is a knock-out artistically, but it’s also -– in case you haven’t
been paying attention -– a nonsensical awful reverse of “Moon,” a new-classic sci-fi films. Yes, Jack meets another Jack. Really. Duncan Jones could sue. Also lazily ripped: “2001,” “Star Wars” and “Independence Day,” among others. No moment of this thriller thrills, it rehash future where reveals land like bricks.
When Cruise’s hero inexplicibly (mind wipe!) recalls a football game, I forgot I like him as an actor. Kosinski made “Tron: Legacy,” another great-looking sci-fi epic stuck in the past. Pattern? C
