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I have a love/hate thing with the Wachowski
siblings Andy and Lana (ne Larry). “Matrix”? One of the best action films
ever. Sequels? Crap. “Cloud Atlas”? An epic too messy to land, but I loved the
struggle. Now comes “Jupiter Ascending,” a sci-fi jumble of storyboards turned
into overdone CGI fireworks that never spark. The Wachowskis think they have
something as profound as “Dune” on their hands. Reality: This is nothing more
than a “Flash Gordon” retread, complete with the space-man hero (Channing
Tatum) crashing through a cathedral ceiling to save the damsel (Mina Kunis)
from marrying some wicked creep. And it’s not even funny. Tatum’s hero is a half-man/half-dog
soldier, while Kunis plays a janitor who is the reincarnated clone of a dead
space queen. When Tatum’s hero tells Jones she *owns* Earth, literally, our gal gawks and
wonders if he *loves* her. Is she 14? Mentally afflicted? Sean Bean sulks
about, bored. Eddie Redmayne -– hot off “Theory of Everything” –- fly spits everywhere, over-acting. Nonsensical, edited to ribbons -– continuity errors
abound -– and insanely overly complicated, I should have taken the blue pill. D
Trailers for “The Book
of Life” promised a gloriously animated supernatural vibe from King of the
Weird and producer/writer Guillermo del Toro. The film delivers. Maybe not to
the heights of “Pan’s Labyrinth” or animated siblings “Up” or “Coraline,” but enough
that I left the cinema awed. Heavy on the wood and stone art of Mayan and
Spanish cultures, “Book” has a literal bookend story of ragtag school kids
visiting a museum and through a hip tour guide (Christina Applegate) learn of the feisty Mexican beauty Maria (Zoe Saldana) who becomes a coin in a
bet between gods Xibalba and La Muerte, the after-life rulers of the Land of
the Forgotten and the Land of the Remembered. Maria, see, is chased after two
men, a reluctant bullfighter (Diego Luna) and a seemingly invincible soldier
(Channing Tatum). The story is deep and wondrously dark and riffs on Radiohead’s “Creep.” Huge sticking points: Our gal still is made to
choose her hubs to be. Ice
Cube as God is so very Special
Appearance By Ice Cube, the film’s magic bear breaks. B+
It’s a tough year for
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Obama is tanking badly, and movie wise, North Korean
terrorists attacked the White House in “Olympus Has Fallen,” and comic book
flicks “Iron Man 3” and “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” both put the Executive Mansion
under threat. So does “White House Down,” with the D.C. landmark falling (again)
to terrorists. Hollywood sure likes a theme. This version concerns right-wing
military fanatics going ape shit with a World War III plot that screams 1985,
but with a Tea Party bent that somehow feels exactly like what Sarah Palin and
her ilk must dream of at night. Who wants peace when war is so profitable?
Self-righteous pricks. Channing Tatum has the heroic John McClane role, down to
the tank top, while Jamie Foxx is the Prez. Foxx’s casting is key as he
channels BO down to the Nicorette, while director Roland Emmerich (“Independence
Day”) seems to be openly daring/baiting Obama, “Stand up and lead!” These
veiled jabs of satire and several fourth-wall busting asides (“This is so
stupid” our hero mutters to himself) make this dead-horse plot of White House
distress fall smooth. B
“G.I. Joe:
Retaliation” outpaces the first installment of the toy-inspired franchise about
an elite force of American soldiers dedicated to fighting uber-terrorist group Cobra,
the latter obsessed with snake puns and world domination. Mind you, “G.I. Joe:Rise of Cobra” was an awful take on the 1980s comics/cartoon, mangling
characters, adding ugly Iron Man suits, and putting (shudder) lips on the mask
of a black-clad ninja. Here, director Jon Chu (“Step-Up”) ups the action -– dig
the mountain-side battle of sword-playing ninjas -– and ditches much of the “Rise”
low marks, reworking characters to give fan boys their due. The plot kicks off
as Cobra has created an imposter U.S. Prez (Jonathan Pryce) and plans to take
the world via nuclear disarmament.
Satirical politics? No. This is child’s play. Speaking of, in action
figure trading glory, most of the “Rise” cast has fled, but we get Dwayne
Johnson as heavy-gunner Roadblock and Bruce Willis as the original Joe named Joe.
(Channing Tatum briefly returns as Joe leader Duke.) Johnson carries all,
while Willis yawns and the rest of the newcomers, including Adrianne Palicki in
a painfully sexist “hottie soldier” role, strike poses more plastic than human. B-
Steven
Soderbergh’s (apparent) final big-screen bow takes on big pharma and the need
for Americans to dope up to get through the day, be it anti-depressants,
anxiety pills, uppers, downers, or whatever. And what of the “Side Effects”?
Limp libido? Exhaustion? Murderous sleep-walking fit? That’s the ticket here as a
married couple (Channing Tatum and Rooney Mara) rocked by hubby’s prison stint
for Wall Street sins are reunited only to see the wife slip off her plates after
an apparent suicide attempt. Caught in the middle of all this, taking money
from on high and prescribing pills to the low, is Jude Law as a psychiatrist,
who begins Boy Scout and becomes … less so. I can’t give away anything more, because
Soderbergh and writer Scott Z. Burns (both of “Contagion”) take a turn that hit
me, well, like a drug at first -- euphoric love, but then a quick and lowly
crash as I contemplated all that I saw. How not to spill the pills? Let me say
this: The ugly ridiculous denouncement is Family Research Council approved. Pure
1950s. Got it? Mara is great. Tatum, ehh. Catherine Zeta-Jones plays another head
shrink, and Pacinos the scenery. B-
Steven
Soderbergh’s “Haywire” exists for one reason: To show mixed-martial arts fighter
Gina Carano kick the snot out of such Hollywood heartthrobs as Channing Tatum,
Michael Fassbender, and Ewan McGregor. She does this exceedingly well. The
fight scenes are fast, feel brazenly real, and contain none of the CGI’d wirework
gunk that turns most female vigilante flicks into fetishized trash. I’m looking
at you, “Underworld.” When Tatum pummels Carano in the opening scene, the sight
is shocking. Carrano gives back, brutally. Alas, the action is all that’s worth
noting as the story (by Lem Dobbs, who wrote Soderbergh’s “Limey”) is a
merry-go-round of betrayals so outlandishly unbelievable and confusing, I gave
up tracking details and dialogue. Speaking of, and I pray I never meet Carano,
but her delivery is tepid, with at least half her words red-flagged as
post- production re-recording. She has a tough screen presence, but so much of
this film is awkward talk that it feels long at 93 minutes. In a sequel, Carano
must fight Liam Neeson. Fact. B-
