White House Down (2013)

It’s a tough year for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Obama is tanking badly, and movie wise, North Korean terrorists attacked the White House in “Olympus Has Fallen,” and comic book flicks “Iron Man 3” and “G.I. Joe: Retaliation” both put the Executive Mansion under threat. So does “White House Down,” with the D.C. landmark falling (again) to terrorists. Hollywood sure likes a theme. This version concerns right-wing military fanatics going ape shit with a World War III plot that screams 1985, but with a Tea Party bent that somehow feels exactly like what Sarah Palin and her ilk must dream of at night. Who wants peace when war is so profitable? Self-righteous pricks. Channing Tatum has the heroic John McClane role, down to the tank top, while Jamie Foxx is the Prez. Foxx’s casting is key as he channels BO down to the Nicorette, while director Roland Emmerich (“Independence Day”) seems to be openly daring/baiting Obama, “Stand up and lead!” These veiled jabs of satire and several fourth-wall busting asides (“This is so stupid” our hero mutters to himself) make this dead-horse plot of White House distress fall smooth. B

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)

“Delirious Lynchian mind-screw” doesn’t come to the mind when one sits for an action flick (and fifth in a series) starring Jean Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren, but that exactly is “Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning,” a skull-smashing, gun-heavy treat. 

Director John Hyams (son of Peter) daringly switches-up the concept of the first (and awful) film about slain U.S. soldiers genetically reengineered as unstoppable warriors, and plops them right in the U.S. of A., playing on Tea Party paranoia, government black ops, and “Apocalypse Now” showdowns with Van Damme as Kurtz, ghoulish in heavy makeup. 

The plot follows a man (Scott Adkins) who awakens from a coma nine months after watching his family slain by mysterious intruders. Grieved and lost, he obsesses over the attackers. He’s also hunted by seemingly unkillable men who unexplainably like his own body can grow back appendages after they are chopped off. 

The less you know the better, because it’s a kick of a nightmarish journey with hidden meanings about NRA kill-or-be-killed addictions so off kilter from this typical genre, I wanted more. The junk dialogue and headache-inducing strobe-light effects are easily forgiven. B+

A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

“A Good Day to Die Hard” is not a “Die Hard” movie. It’s an ugly, tired, dull action flick that regurgitates everything grand from the 1988 classic. It has no soul or point. It's an abomination. A cash grab by tired people who do not care anymore. Five minutes in I hated it. A tired Bruce Willis is “John McClane” -– quotes needed -– who bolts to Moscow to save his grown CIA agent son (Jai Courtney) stuck with a murder rap. The short of it: John and John go Roy Rogers on a pack of terrorists, one of whom eats carrots. Really. It all ends in Chernobyl in a swimming pool. Not joking. Actually, nothing here is funny. What’s worse: The Tea Party way director John Moore treats all foreigners as stupid trolls, or the way he turns McClane -– long ago scared, bleeding, but desperate to do right -– into some Stallone blockhead that the first film so beautifully refused? There is not even a delicious villain to root for. Twinkies were the food choice in 1988. This is a shit served cold. Yippee-ki-yay mother F.