After Earth (2013)

“After Earth” must be mocked. How else to react to a sci-fi survivalist tale from once-great director/writer M. Night Shyamalan that is set on a desolated/abandoned future Earth, but one that looks like a commercial for a tropical adventure? (Cities? There are none.) This is absolute unintended comedy, a wonder of miscalculation. Despite MNS’s name, Will Smith is the man in charge as producer and story creator, and it isn’t even his vehicle. The star is Smith’s teenage son Jaden, who had better luck and better support in pop’s “Pursuit of Happyness” and the recent “Karate Kid” remake. The syrupy story has a “Great Santini” father (Will) and his green horn son (Jaden) all angry dinner scowls and then later crashing their space shuttle on said Earth. Naturally, the duo must bond as son serves as the “avatar” hero of his father, whose legs are shattered. Also in the shuttle and now loose on Earth because no space cliché can go untouched: A slimy monster that eats people. I can take hodge-podge films that wink at their theft, but “Earth” is blindly, awkwardly convinced of its own “inspirational” Hallmark gruel. It's just gruel. Younger Smith looks miserable. C-

Signs (2002)

I loved M. Night Shyamalan’s box-office-smash ghost story “Sixth Sense,” and dug the under-appreciated bleak superhero thinker “Unbreakable.” For me, sky was the limit for Shyamalan when his alien-invasion flick “Signs” hit cinemas. I was stoked. Then I saw it. Sky fell. Hard and fast, and has never risen again. This is a painful, awkward, insulting film to sit through, the absolute symbol of bad cinema to me. Not just when Shyamalan unleashes his trademark “gotchya!” shocker when a legion of world-invading aliens turn out to be allergic to water (!) on a planet full of water, but the whole damn dull story of a faithless priest (Mel Gibson) living with his young children and faithless baseball player brother (Joaquin Phoenix, young enough to be Gibson’s son). Hours drag by as the titular crop circles appear, the plot is set for the green visitors to arrive, and then the climax comes and a glass of H2O and a Louisville slugger are the weapons of choice. Ridiculous. This is the moment where a star filmmaker turned incredulous hack, when Shyamalan screamed aloud, “They’ll love it,” and no one said, “No.” He’s never recovered. F

The Last Airbender (2010)

M. Night Shyamalan’s $150 million live-action cartoon “The Last Airbender” is so embarrassingly bent, its uncomfortable to watch. Plot? Let’s go to Netflix’s summary: “In a world ravaged by the Fire nation’s aggression toward the peaceful Air, Water and Earth nations, reluctant youth Aang (Noah Ringer) learns that he’s an Avatar…” I have no idea what Avatar means here, but this isn't "Avatar." This is a Zzz-grade Tolkein/Asian mixer. It all might be silly fun, except that Ringer is the worst child actor I have ever seen, and his young cast mates work hard to out-bore him. I hate to belittle children, but this cast is truly awful. Dev Patel of "Slumdog Millionaire" provides no heat as the whiny villain. The heroes, by the way, are all white. The villains ... not. Except for some nifty scenes of floating water, nothing works. The fights seem staged by fifth graders, and the climax deadly dull and colorless. The dialogue? Try to say this aloud and not wince: “We have to show them that we believe in our beliefs as much as they believe in theirs.” The worst film in Shyamalan's increasingly shitty career. F

Devil (2010)

How long can a guy dig on a movie’s credit sequence without coming off as a bore? At the opening of “Devil,” a quickie horror film about Satan wrecking havoc in an office-tower, the camera races toward a topsy-turvy Philadelphia. Buildings hang above dark blue sky. The effect is gloriously spooky to a guy who calls The City of Brotherly Love home. Bravo! We quickly jump to the story: A cop (Chris Mencina) is nun-slapped by his AA sponsor into reaching out to God, just before the former is sent to investigate an odd death. We then jump to a stopped elevator, where five people – including a former Marine and a jerk salesman -- are trapped, Satan among and in one of them. The cases quickly cross paths as the audience and Detective AA race to figure out who is Number 666. M. Night Shyamalan (“The Sixth Sense”) provides the story, although he neither directs nor scripts. “Devil” is more giddy fun than scary, and has several dumb plot ticks, none more so than its treatment of religion. Non-believers are portrayed as blowhards destined to fail, while the sole Christian is played as a pansy who babbles like a whiny child. Still, better than I expected. B-

The Happening (2008)

"The Happening" is another toneless dud from M. Night Shyamalan, who made the brilliant "The Sixth Sense," the under-rated "Unbreakable" and then crashed, floundered, and sank respectively with "Signs," "The Village" and "Lady in the Water." Sold as old-school Hitchock horror, "Happening" follows a Philly science teacher (Mark Wahlberg) and his wife (Zooey Deschanel) as they flee from an unknown apocalyptic force rendering people suicidal. But it's really neither horrific nor suspenseful as Shyamalan fumbles much of the gore (a man feeding himself to lions at the Philly Zoo and another feeding himself to a lawn mower seem more Monty Python than Stephen King) while also revealing his mystery far too early. It's the wind. Wind! Leaves blowing! Ahhh! Boo. He kills every small morsel of grace with clunky stabs at comedy and two leads who seem bored, and why not when Whalberg plays better off a houseplant than his "wife." It's a weak liberal "message" film about the environment that would make Greenpeace turn red. "You deserve this!," a home realty sign screams as our heroes flee past it. Just in case you weren't paying attention. I see a dead career. D