Fantastic Four (2015)

With its over-long look inside 5^th grade life to the tacked-on CGI-heavy finale, the latest big-screen version of Marvel stalwart “Fantastic Four” is a joyless, suspense-free dud from frame one. Oh, there have been worse superhero film appearances on the big screen.

But never one so lazy. Never one so dedicated to being mediocre. This is a superhero film with exactly one action scene. A crammed, confusing limp punch that fails to ignite the pure joy of cracking open a comic book spine and digging those panel jumps.

Not a single vibe of geekery hit my veins. 

Nothing hit me. Except fatigue of superheroes on film and battles to save Earth and huge craters, and I say that as a massive comic book nerd of old. Indifference is the word. 

I pitied the actors. I pitied the production crew who must have busted ass, to no avail. I didn’t pity director Josh Trank, who publicly disowned the film opening night. The faults start quick, not at the end where he says the film went all wrong, out of his hands. 

Plot: Our four heroes -– high school students, in a change up from the original comic -- gain incredible powers when a scientific experiment involving inter-dimensional travel goes wrong. Miles Teller’s Reed Richard stretches, Kate Mara’s Sue Storm turns invisible, Michael B. Jordan’s Johnny Storm bursts into flame, and Jamie Bell’s Ben Grimm turns into a rock monster. Each power seems tied to personality trait. Reed’s smarter-than-everyone else nerd is stretched, see? Ben is a tough guy, all rock and closed off feeling. Johnny is a hot head. Traits. These aren’t fleshed-out characters. 

Only vague ideas.

I collected the book for a while and loved it. This reboot, following two other attempts within the past 10 years, reminded me why some printed material cannot go to the live screen. Here, Reed is a boring smug character. Sue? Boring. And not just here, but in the earlier films as well. Boring. (Storm as Human Torch and Grimm as The Thing do hold some interest. But they get short-shifted on screen. To the point of awkward hilarity.)

The whole smart outsider thing is too cliché now to even make a dent. Not when nerds can push a film toward $1 billion, hello “Avengers,” or stay home and kill a studio’s entire fiscal year, oh, hey, this movie. The “Avengers” movies saddle its heroes with woes, their heroic acts landed. This lot sulks by. Or maybe the books would read dull to me now.

The actors can’t fill the void. Not the paper-thin parts, the dull action, nor the forced relationships. Sue and Johnny are adopted brother and sister, Reed and Ben are best pals since childhood; they all whiff of people who don’t even keep in touch on Facebook. 

(Sue isn’t even allowed to make the big leap to that extra-dimensional Earth. It’s a boy’s only party. That’s less progressive than even 1961, when the comic book started. Think about that. She gets her powers when the guys return and ... how the hell?!?!?!) 

The setting is too constrained. In the books, New York City was the heroes’ playground. I loved that, being a city kid. Near every moment here takes pace in an underground bunker that makes Sam’s Club seem like heaven; or an alternate, unformed Earth –- green screen set -– that I can find on any low-ball episode of “Doctor Who.” Trank strangles his characters in every scene with shit lighting and low ceilings, and all CGI everything else. 

Post powers, half the film focuses on a Big Brother O'Brien U.S. military type (Tim Blake Nelson) sending Thing -- that's Ben -- out to attack enemies. We see on monitors this Hulk-like beast of rocks tearing tanks apart and throwing enemy combatants around, who are they? Does Ben get a thrill from this action? Does he hate it? No idea. We never get a close up. This is the product of studio managers who gave up on the film midway through.

Woe Toby Kebbell -– dig him in last year’s “Apes” movie, he is excellent -- as Victor Von Doom, one of Marvel’s best villains, reduced here to an angry geek who’s just discovered Rage Against the Machine lyrics. And maybe retweets Anonymous. On a bad day. 

Lost on that first inter-dimensional trip and thought dead, his absence from the screen is so I stopped caring. When he *finally* appears as a metalized maniac with every power Trank and his writers can throw on screen, screw continuity, Doom has nothing to offer. His look is ridiculous, a rigid metal/plastic face with bulging blank eyes, his voice dubbed in, all ringing a bad 80s film, maybe “Superman III.” That lady robot at the end? Crap.

Add in glaringly bad editing and on-screen errors (blonde wigs!) and this is a doomed film on every level, and no amount of studio/actor spin can save it. It is a dud. Watch that finale, listen to Teller's voice, struggling to sell lines such as “We have to stop him!”  and babble on about “we are stronger together.” He cannot sell it. Look at that panic. 

Several years back, Trank made the rousing low-budget “FF”-inspired “Chronicle.” It followed four different, desperate high school boys with new-found super powers. Not a best-of moment here equals any of that film’s worst-of moments. Is he a one shot wonder, did the studio kill him, or is the material just not workable in 2015? I have no idea. There is zero vision or voice or even clarity here, and that has to fall on his head.

Can we guess how soon the next reboot “FF” is coming?  D

Ant-Man (2015)

Marvel’s other big 15 summer flick “The Avengers: Age of Ultron” was so dense with heroes and villains, watching it near required a flow chart even for a die-hard geek such as myself. So Marvel goes literally small with “Ant-Man,” the latest hero to hit the screen. 

Paul Rudd is Scott Lang, a Robin Hood ex-con recruited to take on the heroic identity of Ant-Man –- a hero who can shrink to the size of an ant, retain incredible strength, and control insects –- by a genius inventor/scientist (Michael Douglas) who once wore the suit. 

Aged out, Douglas’ Hank Pym (the same character also is The Beast in the X-Men films) needs Rudd’s Lang to steal vital tech from a greedy CEO (Corey Stoll) up to no good. That’s it. Not a city is destroyed. Just a building. And a house. 

And I’m thankful for that. The epic destruction climaxes can get tiring. And, thankfully, tongues are in cheek for much of the running time.A climatic fight involves a Thomas the Tank Engine being thrown about. From the eyes of a child, it’s a tiny toy falling off a track. To our hero, it’s a devastating near-death encounter. That scene kicks. 

Now the magnifying glass. Director Peyton Red infamously picked up the lead reins from geek-favorite Edgar Wright (“Shaun of the Dead”) after the latter quit, squashed by Marvel Corp. meddling. 

The cracks show. That Thomas daft bit is pure Wright. But when the main story stops hard to intro an Avengers sidebar, the movie flops. Anthony Mackie’s Falcon appears, Chris Evans’ Captain America gets name dropped. The whole plot of “Avengers 2” is discussed in a conversation so awkward Douglas squirms. He has no idea what he is mouthing off. 

Look, I dig Marvel, I love Marvel, and it wants a tie-in universe seamless and pure, and I want what Marvel wants. Just like the comic books where stories such as “Secret Wars” crossed a dozen or so titles. I get it. 

But, left alone and given free will, Wright’s movie may have been the biggest blast of Marvel fresh air since “Guardians of the Galaxy.” Wild daft fun; us not knowing what the hell might happen, or who might say what. That movie felt like a daring gamble.

This is flat boring, not a bet. Not a single surprise moment, Thomas engine aside. When hero Ant-Man can’t stop talking about how much he loves his little princess girl, who the hell is the bad guy going to go after? This is a screenplay beaten into submission. By committee. 

It doesn’t help that Stoll’s villain, who becomes the menacing Yellow Jacket, with the similar powers to Ant-Man, never once registers. He’s psycho from minute one, a barking madman who hardly seems capable of running a treadmill, much less a massive company. And how ever did he become a super villain? Where did he train? How? 

Enough bitching, what does work here is Rudd’s solid performance. He’s likable. He’s funny. But he looks like he can handle himself in a fight. Douglas is spry as well. He throws a punch. It looks good. 

Also –- and I hate to go happy on special effects when story suffers so -- but the shots of Ant-Man tiny against backgrounds that are macrophotography blown out is crazy fun. That Thomas train, or Ant-Man using a Lifesaver to save his life. (And young Michael Douglas is epic!) Reed and his VFX team knock it out of the ballpark. 

Kudos to the computer geeks and camera crews. But no matter how good the art was in the thousands of comic books I collected and read, the stories kept bringing back. And this story has nothing to sell. B-

Birdman (2014)

When we first see Michael Keaton as a has-been Hollywood actor at the opening of tar-black fable “Birdman,” he is floating in midair as the intimidating voice of his once big-screen superhero alter ego -– see the title -– talks aloud inside his own head. That’s the start of this wondrously warped story. Yes, Keaton, who played comic book hero Batman, plays an actor who played comic book hero Birdman. Meta comedy is promised and delivered. Plot: Keaton’s Riggan Thomas is determined to reset his relevance by staging a Broadway play. The impossible task consumes Riggan: His lead actor is a prickish actor played by infamously prickish actor Edward Norton, and Riggan’s daughter (Emma Stone) teeters on drug relapse. Stone, of course, plays Spider-Man’s girlfriend. Spider-Man appears as a mocking taunt. Brilliant. Questions pop: Mainly, Will Riggan escape Birdman? Director Alejandro G. Inarritu serves a must-rewatch film about a man more scared of obscurity than death and a damning of the Marvel Movie Universe ruling cinemas and then flames his own film as Marvel-like action plays out. More than the art-house deep-thoughts comedy, this strange film is pure wicked fun to watch unspool. A

The Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

“What are you … doing?” That’s what evil alien Ronan (Lee Pace) asks of Han Solo-type hero Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) toward the end of “Guardians of the Galaxy,” a funny, thrilling action film from Marvel Studios that is self-aware and comes packed with the kind of rock-heavy soundtrack not heard since 1980s heydays. “Footloose” is named-checked. “Cherry Bomb” is played. This is as fuck-it gonzo flippant as Marvel’s “Captain America 2” was dead serious against Bush/Obama NSA insanity. Earth-born Quill goes by Star-Lord, a thief who gets mixed up in a universe-stretching battle Skywalker-style after he nabs a device that looks like a baseball, joining other thieves and fighters –- including a walking tree (Vin Diesel) and his raccoon pal (Bradley Cooper) –- along the way. Director/writer James Gunn serves epic gut-busting comedy first, superhero tales second. “Why would you to save the galaxy?,” asks Rocket the Raccoon. “Because I live in the galaxy!,” is the genius reply. Everything about “Guardians” is perfect, right up to the credits stinger that winks at Marvel’s once abysmal track record of movie making. Pratt is fast becoming a major film star, having played lead voice in another 2014 favorite, “The Lego Movie.” A

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Bryan Signer’s “X-Men: Days of Future Past” –- his first return to the Marvel Mutant franchise in 11 years -– has one of those plots that would jump several Marvel titles and have me buying and reading lest I miss a twist. “Future Past” is literal as we focus on clawed-hero Wolverine (Hugh Jackman, Marvel’s hardest working man) leaping from 2023 to 1973 to stop an Orwellian existence started by a mad scientist (Peter Dinklage) bent on domination. Indeed we get the heroes and villains of the two “X-Men” time-line franchises, with seniors Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan and sophomores James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender respectively playing hero Professor X and (non)villain Magneto, all for one admission. Singer serves the giddiest fun scene of the entire “X” films -- a punk speed demon (Evan Peters) breaks Magneto out of a Pentagon cell -– but, damn it, all the time leaping and plot erasing reminds me of the futility of so many comic books. No one dies. Watch a well-known character perish? No worries, wait three minutes, it won’t matter. Emotional investment? Suspense? Wet fireworks. Pay up for the next chapter, please. In three-color print, it worked. On screen? It rings empty. B-

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Everything wrong that Sony is doing with Spider-Man screams loud in the end credits of “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” with the now-standard stinger tease all of us have become accustomed to in superhero flicks. This is different. We get not a peek at a new or undead villain, but (sigh) a long, random, unexplained “X-Men: Days of Future Past” clip. 

The scene hits the viewer, hit this viewer, like an error by the projectionist. A blip from the movie playing down the hall. 

There’s no connection to Spider-Man. It’s an ad. Chicken feed to answer a studio contract. A disconnected film. Money.

And, that, folks is what this whole sequel smells of, contract obligations and a studio desperate to launch sequels, spin-offs, toys, and soda pop tie-ins at Subway. 

This fast-tracked sequel to an unneeded 2012 remake of the 2002 “origin” film shows not story-telling prowess or a love of the Marvel comics stories that thrilled my childhood, but movies as sausage. Ground, not links.

Director Mark Webb and his writers give us the great Paul Giamatti as a rampaging psycho thief during an opening truck/car chase through Manhattan then drops the actor until a third-wheel finale with a tacky CGI head of the man in a robotic version of the well-known comic book character Rhino, one that oddly hints of a lost Transformer. 

What studio makes those films? Why the Rhino here and now? Action figures at Target? 

In between it all, Giamatti’s two scenes, we do get Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man, battling both Electro (Jamie Foxx, doing a loser nerd bit until he goes all angry nerd as a guy with electric-controlling powers) and a new Green Goblin in the form of Peter Parker childhood pal Harry Osbourne (Dane DeHaan, stealing the film with intensity that unsettles). Don’t forget hints of other comic book staples Black Cat, Doctor Octopus, and the Vulture. Oh, Venom, too, I think. Blink, miss, you get the idea. Keep a chart.

Even for a comic book geek and likely target of all this name dropping and play, the film lurches and crawls, stuffed with excess, and I have not even yet mentioned all the back story hoopla of Peter’s sad dead parents … which, in the sloppy end, does not mean much. 

(If you're not a comic book geek and lost in this review, sorry, I can't explain a Green Goblin to the unknown.)

I deeply enjoy the main cast here –- Garfield is fantastic, and Emma Stone as girlfriend Gwen Stacy plays smart before sexy –- far better than the first trilogy of Spider-Man films, but Giamatti is sadly wasted. Foxx works hard to make a character bite that has no teeth, or form. Chris Cooper has two scenes as Norman Osbourne –- father of Harry, and a Green Goblin in the books -– but they also smack of a wasted talent, a headline-grabbing name grabbed and tossed in. Why him in that part? 

Plot? Peter has graduated high school and over a long summer finds himself mixed up again in Oscorp, the evil corporation that figured in film one, and once employed his dead father. He’s also fumbling at a relationship with Stacy, whose cop pop previously made Peter (as Spider-Man) promise to keep away from, before succumbing to fatal injuries. Pete cannot keep that promise, though. He loves Gwen too much, and she him. 

Comic book fans know what happens as closely as Christians know how it turned out for Jesus. But when the moment comes, it’s a mixture of awe –- that’s happening in a big summer film, gutsy –- and exhaustion as we have seen two super villains crash in, and there’s that third and fourth and who knows else coming down. Mourn? Sorry. No time.

I will give Webb and company credit for the changes they made to Electro: The comic book outfit of the yellow face mask would never work on screen. So, they retooled the character from scratch. Nice move. Even if Electro is one of the shrug characters in the books. Where art thou, Kraven? OK, thank the gods they did not actually toss in Kraven. 

Less can be more, films can breathe. This “Spider-Man” ends gasping for air, and with a headache. Is it the disaster of “Spider-Man 3” (2007)? No. But only by a web’s width. 

Garfield is by far miles better than Toby Maguire, who hit a weepy whiny ditch and never got his ass out. He deserves a better movie to play in. I hope he gets it, soon. C+

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Marvel Studios ups its game like never before with “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which puts the red, white, and blue-sporting, square-jaw Greatest Generation super soldier hero (Chris Evans) back solo after the Earth-in-peril hoopla of 2012’s “The Avengers.” 

Last round, in “First Avenger,” Cap fought Nazi mad scientist Red Skull. It was pure World War II adventure, Burt Lancaster or Indiana Jones style, with pop art know how, I dug it. Mostly. (Damn the PC moves.) 

In this better sequel, Cap’s up against post-9/11 American paranoia, where we gladly trade up privacy rights for better security. Think body scan at the airport. Think Patriot Act, Bush, Obama, drones, and the NSA. Marvel and directors Joe and Anthony Russo -– guys who have only done comedy as far as I know -– give it all a solid F.U. 

I was giddy watching it. I almost applauded. Should have applauded. Nerd drop: It all reminded me of Nick Fury vs. SHIELD. Look it up. 

Speaking of, Cap and the Avengers’ employer, one-eyed super spy SHIELD boss/ grump Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is all about “security first,” and he argues, “This is how we do it,” showing off to Cap three massive autonomous airship/attack drones from hell that will patrol the world 24/7, squashing sabers before they rattle, bad thoughts before they form. 

A mad Cap bounces back, I paraphrase, “Not in my day.” 

Despite the bravado, Fury knows better, too. Then his life goes bad, and in comes a bigger SHIELD honcho, played by none other than Robert Redford, who 40 years ago basically was Captain America. Think “All the President’s Men,” et al. 

Yes, his role is all too obvious, but the irony is deliciously morbid. Who do we trust now? Captain America, in short, is battling America. The man who played Bob Woodward and corrupt power-made presidents is now …. Just watch it, folks, comic book nerds and American history nerds alike. 

Intense, smart, grisly violent for a PG-13, action packed, “Winter Soldier” is classic ’70s conspiracy flick filtered through super heroics. “Parallax View” with tights and sci-fi.

As for the title? Look to the first film and one death we didn’t see, and work from there. I won’t dish spoilers, but that plot and the return of Toby Jones’ quack scientist in … non-human form again shows Marvel’s reach for just all-out kicks, rooting back to impossible crazy 1950s drive-in films and the comics I grew up on. 

This wowed me. Comic book film herd Americana fun with a bang. Yes, it sets up sequels and plays comic book rules (no one really dies, do they?), but, man, more of this, please. A 

Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Marvel superhero flick “Thor: The Dark World” picks up where 2012’s “Avengers” left off: New York in ruin and villain/god/jealous brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) facing prison, with hero/god/older brother/ GQ heartthrob Thor (Chris Hensworth) brooding like never before. And of all his powers, Thor broods best. But brooding does not a comic book yarn make, and so arrive the Dark Elves, alien villains set on snuffing the light on all life. Back on Earth, Thor gal pal/scientist Jane (Natalie Portman) finds some red E.T.-floating goo that the Dark Elves need to do their Rule the Universe thing. She gets infected. Of course. The Dark Elves want her ass. Thor gets angry. Set action and play. Cue post-credits hint to next Marvel film. Nothing is wrong with “Dark World.” Yet nothing hits. The Dark Elves are murky dull. It’s all clockwork down to the “shock” ender that means “Thor 3.” Wait. Can I have “Loki: Ruler of All” instead? Hiddleston’s twisted sicko is infinitely more fascinating than Hemsworth as Thor. No offense to Mr. Hemsworth, so good in “Rush.” But Marvel would do well to tip the truth: Loki is the best thing going in its massive franchise. Put him center, please. B-

The Wolverine (2013)

Does a bear shit in the woods? What about a Wolverine? 

In the opening minutes of “The Wolverine” -- the latest cinematic chapter of the X-Men mutant superhero saga -- we see the former, but thankfully never the latter as our fast-healing, metal-clawed, highly disgruntled hero Logan (Hugh Jackman) has taken to living in a remote Canadian cave to escape humanity. (OK, it’s a piss, not a shit, but damn the details. And if you don’t know who Wolverine is, just stop reading. I can’t help you.) This miserable life follows the unfortunate events of the unfortunate “X-Men: Last Stand” that left power-crazed Jean Grey dead by Wolverine’s claws. 

He killed her to save himself and the world, because that always happens in comic books. Yet, her ghost (Famke Janssen, also returning) appears in Wolverine’s dreams, her dressed in lingerie and in his bed as never happens in comic books. But this is the movie, and she’s not the only specter haunting Logan, whose only friend is now that bear. (Let the snickering begin.) Wolverine’s long past a century old, his genetically-mutated-at-birth healing powers keeping him eternally alive and at middle age. He has seen so much horror, death, and pain, his every moment is clouded by anger, ghosts and lost voices. 

Among the dark memories: His saving of a young Japanese prison guard as Nagasaki is obliterated by an American atomic bomb on 9 August 1945. That scene opens the film. The guard has since grown to become an old, dying billionaire owner of a tech company and he has plans for Logan: Mainly taking that eternal healing power for himself, allowing the Wolverine to finally die, and rest in longed for peace. And Logan indeed see his powers seeped away courtesy a villainous mutant known as the Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova), a literal snake-like woman who excretes maddening and deadly poison. 

A now vulnerable Logan soon finds himself inside a ticking bomb Japanese samurai/gangster drama that touches government powers and includes the old guy’s 20-something granddaughter, Mariko (Tao Okamoto), who is the target of assassins, family jealousies, and dull acting. 

A wounded, bleeding, off-his-game Logan and the woman go on the run and on the train, to Nagasaki and beyond, all leading to a climax atop a high-tech castle that recalls at once samurai classic drama “Ran” and also – head desk slam -- every other freakin’ superhero movie made, most especially a metal man/monster right out of a certain Robert Downey Jr,. franchise starter. (Mimicry is, what, flattering?)

Comic book geeks such as myself -- weaned in the 1980s and on the high-mark of Wolverine’s Japanese origin stories, with him taking on black-clad ninjas in a snowy mountain village, no noise but the slicing of bodies and clanging of sword on claws in the cold snow -– have long looked forward to the story of Logan told on film. To the saga of Wolverine, it’s as important as Krypton to Superman. 

The 2009 “Origins” Wolverine prequel was a bust on every level, as we were robbed of this story that fired our imagination and made us feel like we were watching a forbidden film of grisly violence. So, this sequel provides a double-edged sword as we do –- finally! -– get to see that very story told. 

But –- head desk slam part two -– the showdown is dispatched in such a quick a flash, I felt gutted. Director James Mangold and his writers (Scott Frank and Mark Bomback, plus an uncredited script doctor Christopher McQuarrie, and Lord knows who else) already were pushing the PG-13 line with blood. Was this too far? Whatever the case, it disappoints. 

Yes, I’m on a fan boy nitpick. Screw my geeky expectations, right? OK. 

The film’s a mess in myriad ways leading to these final battles, from the listless romance between Logan and Mariko -- half the age of Jackman, and likely a tenth of Logan’s age, to the absolutely blank spot of villainy. We are served betrayals that fizzle, a big reveal that could only shock a comatose child, and as the main threat -– Viper, the snake woman with layers of skin –- a vapid actress unqualified to sneer candy from the grip of a baby. The film dies, I kid not, when Khodchenkova opens her mouth. (Language issue?) But she is not all to blame. It’s not just miscasting, the character of Viper has no motive, no purpose, she’s just there. She’s an afterthought in tight, ridiculously revealing outfits.

Maybe that’s enough for some filmmakers. (Mangold put Cameron Diaz through the clothes trials in “Knight and Day,” for sure.)

As Logan faces down enemies we don’t fear, fights for loves we don’t care about, and sees his powers restored -– naturally -– before any true pain hits, the razor sharp potential of this film is made soup spoon dull. I could not do better. But I expected better. Darren Aronofsky –- he made “Black Swan” and “Requiem for a Dream” –- was slated to direct this, and I marvel inside my own head at the film he could have made, talking Logan to the darkest reaches of a mind we see only hinted here. And putting buckets of blood on that snow. 

(The man cited family as a reason to not do the flick. Me, I think he wanted an “R” film, the studio tossed him aside. Such a rating would poison the box office. Bullshit logic. The movie opened soft anyway.) 

“Wolverine” is not terrible. Jackman is amazing, not just his bulked-out size, but the energy he brings to Logan. “X-Men” back in 2000 made the guy star, but he has stayed loyal to this character. Name another actor who has that dedication? If the film had his energy, it would be epic. But it’s only minor. Another scratch added to the list of disposable comic book movies that clog screens, not fill imaginations.

Stay for the end credits, a small teaser to the next “X-Men” film as two older gentlemen from the franchise take a defibrillator to this flick. Zap! The “ehh” audience I sat with got a jolt. I did. You will. Funny how I turn on myself, I’m growing tired of the genre, but bring on the next one, please. 

A question and from the first scene: How does Wolverine get taken prisoner in war to begin with, to set up this story? No answer there. B-

Iron Man 3 (2013)

SPOILERS ABOUND because I cannot do the out-of-left-field “Iron Man 3” justice without spilling its secrets like the myriad flying, not-quite-controllable bits of Iron Man armor that plague our hero Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) in this first-post-“Avengers” Marvel film. Nor can I stick to my 200-word count. (I really, really, truly tried.)

Upfront: Director/cowriter Shane Black steers this sequel to a sequel toward the “Lethal Weapon” thrillers that made him famous as a writer. Genius move. He finds every excuse to get Stark out of the tin suit and load him with MacGyver-like weapons, running alongside Don Cheadle as military man Jim Rhodes, to attack the villain’s glitzy Miami chateau and then go after a cargo pier at the finale. The ghosts of Riggs and Murtaugh hover close, as does Black’s directorial debut “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang,” which starred Downey post-rehab/ prison/near-career-death. 

We only think mastermind terrorist named Mandarin (Ben Kingsely), one of Marvel’s most infamously racist creations, is the villain. Trusting the marketing and trailers. In truth, the dude’s a two-bit actor downed by drugs, working for a sun-tanned rich guy (Guy Pearce) who Tony once did wrong. 

The characters are metas, off-screen and on, Kingley’s loser the What if Downey?, while Pearce’s evil CEO is the What If Tony Stark? If neither had not “become” Iron Man. The stunt also takes the character down a peg, what can Marvel do? Complain their anti-Chinese boogeyman 1-D stick figure was not played accurate? 

The movie -– like the clap-trap maze of cranes at that finale -– is a Rube Goldberg machine of asides and homages, including 1980s “child sidekick” flicks, peppered with kick-ass action and a full tear-down of the franchise. Indeed this ends with Downey throwing the ball at Marvel and saying, “You’re move.” Cast iron balls he has. 

The plot is a wiry mess, and Pearce’s scientist lacks motive and focus. Never mind Rebecca Hall as another scientist with a quarter personality, and less screen time. These are moot complaints for all eyes are on Downey. He is Iron Man. Lest we, or Marvel, ever forget. B+

Fantastic Four (2005)

“Fantastic Four” is a sucker punch to the face and heart of every true four-color-ink-for-blood comic book geek who knew growing up that the exploits of Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch, and the Thing, was the coolest monthly read: A blood-and-marriage family of super-powered heroes with screw-loose hang-ups and arch-enemies. At least the plot follows the book. Five astronaut-types are blasted with cosmic rays while on a science mission, each person spouting outsize powers close fit to their personality: The ability to contort one’s body into any shape, invisibility, control of fire, and a moving, raging man of stone. The fifth wheel is the billionaire boss Victor Von Doom, destined to go evil with a name like that, except he turns into a metallic maniac, not a giant shitting asshole. Here’s a movie with 50 years of comic history as resource and director Tim Story (“Taxi”) kills it from the start. Bland, listless, with no sense of wonder, horror, or the fantastic. The cast is dull with Ioan Gruffudd as Mr. Fantastic and Julian McMahon as Dr. Doom. Questions linger: Would I notice had they switched roles midway through? Not likely. C-

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012)

Endlessly loud, obnoxiously edited, and sporting two (!) scenes of its anti-hero pissing flames, “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” is a ridiculously bad reboot/sequel to the equally limp 2007 hit that starred Nicolas Cage as Johnny Blaze, a motorcycle daredevil who is eternally cursed as a demonic stooge with a flaming skull. Film No. 1 neutered the cult-hit Marvel character into popping jellybeans with Cage all wiggy Cage-like. “Spirit” moves the action from America to Eastern Europe, packing along a “Terminator 2” plot: Blaze must save a mother and son who are being hunted by the relentless Mephistopheles (Cirian Hinds). The kid is no John Connor hero, but the Anti-Christ. Yikes! Numbskull directing duo Neveldine and Taylor (“Gamer”) ride “Rider” into the ground with smash and grab edits that ruin every action scene, and unleash a sweaty, over-the-top Cage. The story hints at the Rider being a danger to any sinner -– even the Devil’s poor baby-mama -– but never delivers. Both films’ curse: Ghost Rider’s charcoal stick figure with its impenetrable all-CGI fiery skull makes it impossible to give a rat’s ass about Blaze’s spirit one way or another. Hell with him. D+

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

A lifelong obsessive acolyte of Spider-Man, even I know the world has no need for another origin tale of Marvel’s web-slinger, 11 years after Sam Raimi’s “Spider-Man” hit theaters and five years since “Spider-Man 3” spun box office platinum but pleased no one. Yet, here crawls “The Amazing Spider-Man,” with director Mark Webb (“500 Days of Summer”) and star Andrew Garfield (“Social Network”) giving us the same story beat for beat. High school nerd-slash-orphan. Sci-fi spider bite. Responsibility lecture. Uncle Ben shot. A scientist/mentor mishap, and a super villain born. Big fight. Cue “SEQUEL!” green flag. Oh, green. Rather than the Green Goblin, we have the monstrous green Lizard, played by Rhys Ifans as a human and ugly CGI as a “garh!” freak. Garfield clearly loves the character in and out of the Spidey duds. Yet, the writers make Peter a literal “Footloose” skater boy, and short-shift Spider-Man’s many powers, trying to make the story … grittier? Realistic? Eh. Even with a new cast and better special effects than in 2002, this Marvel fan is unAmazed. I love seeing Spider-Man in a movie, but this franchise needed to swing forward, not backward. B-

The Punisher (2004)

“The Punisher” is a punishment to watch. Tone deaf, overlong, filmed in a seemingly deserted Tampa Bay (subbing for New York!) and overacted to the point of hilarity, we suffer more than anyone on screen. The plot to this Marvel comic book vigilante flick: Ex-FBI agent Frank Castle (Thomas Jane) watches his entire family be killed before he himself is left for dead by gangsters (led by John Travolta, all “Weeee! I’m a bad guy!”). Naturally, Castle returns to slay all who wronged him. The comics I recall, Castle was a bad-ass loner feared by villains and super heroes. Here, he babbles nonstop, befriends a trio of special-needs cases imported from an insipid comedy, and, at one point, tortures a half-naked guy by sliding a frozen Popsicle along the man’s back. Um, erotic? No. Punishment. Jane mumbles his lines like an ESL Eastwood and insists his actions are not revenge. Huh? Odd fact: Marvel had made this film three times. Masochistic? D-

Thor (2011)

“Thor” is a blockbuster comic book movie. I was hesitant about this film early on -- I loved the books as a child/teen, but Thor’s whole Norse god history, blue costume and red cape, the hammer, and long hair? It spelled disaster. Enter Kenneth Branagh, director of several Shakespeare adaptations and the A-grade thriller “Dead Again.” He perfectly balances this superhero fantasy: Massive special effects, action, fluffy back-stabbing drama, and prerequisite heroic self-sacrifice. The plot spans a thousand years and multiple galaxies: God of Thunder Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is banished to Earth after he starts an intergalactic war (oops) thus irking poppa Odin (Anthony Hopkins). As Thor cools his heels on Earth, brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) does very bad things back home. Hemsworth – he played poppa Kirk in 2009’s “Star Trek” – is charismatic, tough as concrete, a bit foolish, but fully heroic. A sly Natalie Portman plays a scientist who Thor happens to luck into – these things happen in comic books. “Thor” could have been a disaster. We have villains named Frost Giants for crying out loud. But Branagh treats it as vital as anything written by the Bard. Near-constant jokes and asides welcome. B

Iron Man (2008)

When I first heard "Iron Man" was getting the big-screen, live-action treatment, my initial reaction was absolute nerd fear. I have hundreds of Iron Man comic books from the 1980s and 1990s. The all-too-human Tony Stark as the ordinary hero in a metal fighting suit has been my lifelong favorite (behind only Spider-Man, but not always) read. Like Batman, Iron Man seemed more "real" to me. Stark was never bitten by a radioactive spider, or smacked with gamma rays or sent to and from in a rocket ship. He was a guy who reached a breaking point, getting smacked in the face once too many, and decided no more. He dons his self-designed suit and takes action. How cool for a geeky kid?

Plus, bad comic book adapted films ("Ghost Rider") far outweigh the good ("Spider-Man 2"), and I knew in my heart this would be bad. I just didn't see Iron Man and his metal suit gelling as a real visual object. How could they produce on film a metal suit, the fit of Stark's head in the mask, the crunch of heavy metallic boots on the ground? If Iron Man didn't look real, the whole thing would fail. But the news I kept hearing was uplifting: Robert Downey Jr. as Stark; Terrance Howard as Jim Rhodes; Jeff Bridges, one of the most under-rated actors in cinema, as Obadiah Stane. All perfect. I honestly hadn't seen many of Jon Favreau's films, so that left a big question mark in my book.

Well, my fears were put to rest upon the film's release. "Iron Man" is just too friggin' cool. It soars. I adore it. In their first film as a studio, Iron Man publisher Marvel Comics exactly nails this great character (which provides the only negative, I knew exactly how the film would end before it began). The story: While visiting a war-torn county, military industrialist and spoiled playboy Stark is taken by enemy combatants and held for ransom. Stark, realizing he's doomed, builds a suit of weaponized armor and escapes. Once home, he turns a new leaf and becomes Iron Man, reigning in his sprawling war-profiting company whilst blasting away bad guys. (The major transition: The comic book has Vietnam as the instigating country; here it is Afghanistan.)

A simple story, yes, but that's part of the joy. The comic book and this film isn't loaded down with clumsy plot mechanics like the awful "Spider-Man 3," it's character-driven from start to finish. I can't say enough about Downey as Stark -- he nails the gravitas of this character, his good, his bad and his ugly. When Stark is the cold-fish lackey of capitalism, Downey plays him as a self-worshipping heel. When that wake-up call comes and a friend lays dying, Stark's world and Downey's eyes -- and performance -- come into focus. Every Iron Man fan knows that Stark has long carried an addiction to alcohol, and Downey's sullied past brings that baggage to screen without it being mentioned. A perfect detail. Even without the comic book history in my brain, the casting of Jeff Bridges as Stane, Stark's mentor and substitute father, points to villainous deeds. But Bridges takes this admittedly one-note role to the hilt. Howard delivers a low-key performance, much needed against out-sized characters as Stark and Stane.

The look of Iron Man's various incarnations, from the first welded together impromptu rescue suit to the final gleaming, red and iron god, are perfect. The look, play and reflections of light on metal, the sound of crunching ground under boot and the presence of the suit as a real mass object taking up space is flawless. (Versus, say anything in the disappointing "Indiana Jones" 4.) Four times I've seen this film, and I still can't tell where CGI and model effects begin and end. The engineering mechanics of the suit work beautifully, watching on film you understand how each part fits and interconnects and moves. I also love the mistakes Stark is allowed to make as he finds himself and learns who Iron Man can be as he builds, rebuilds and tinkers with his new self.

Favreau set out to bring a super hero to screen that would have been impossible 10 years ago, and hits a home run. The film, for me, essentially is America finding the right course, waking up to its full potential and becoming (once again) a hero. This is a brilliant starter film for a franchise I greatly look forward to. A

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

"The Incredible Hulk" isn't a sequel to the ill-fated "Hulk" that Ang Lee directed in 2003. Rather, it's a reboot that hits closer to the comic book's tone by upping the action while bringing in familiar villains that superhero geeks like me grew up on.

Lee's "Hulk" could have been great, it's editing mimicked the look of comic book pages flipping and it fully explained the Hulk's pre-gamma origins, but it crumbled under the weight of a self-important script, a nonsensical climax and an unholy Nick Nolte.

Here, Edward Norton ("Fight Club") takes over from Eric Bana as Bruce Banner, the scientist on the run who becomes the giant, menacing Hulk when he is angered. The film pretends the Ang Lee version never existed -- a new origin is introduced and fully told within the opening credits. From there were in the plot: General Ross (William Hurt) is tracking down Banner, who is hiding in South America. Under Ross' command is the ruthless military nut Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), a Russian-born Brit who's willing to undergo a physical change of his own to take down the Hulk.

While not as stellar as "Iron Man" or "The Dark Knight," this "Hulk" surpasses the 2003 version with a story that is more simple but not simplistic. This means, of course, that the ending will consist of an over-the-top fight scene, but, hey, that's why we're here, right?

Norton is a better actor, and the depiction of the Hulk is far better both in spirit (he talks and shows intelligence) and vision (while not perfect in every scene, this CGI creation seems for the most part to have presence and mass).

Some manna for fan boys: Lou Ferringo, who played the Hulk in the TV show, is the voice of the Hulk and a security guard; Stan Lee has a cameo; music from the TV show is utilized and The Leader is introduced. I hated the last scene, though, with Robert Downey Jr. as Tony "Iron Man" Stark, talking up a "team" of super heroes. It's a stunt and plays exactly like one. It should have been tossed behind the credits, a move "Iron Man" was smart to take. B