The Impossible (2012)

“The Impossible” follows a family dragged low by one of history’s greatest disasters: The 2004 tsunami that killed 300,000 people in Southeast Asia. Director Juan Bayona and Sergio Sánchez (both of  “Orphanage”) make this true story horrifying real as they place us inside the deadly wave with the characters as they fight not to be drowned, crushed, or impaled. 

Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts -– both fantastic -- head the wealthy Brit family and when disaster hits, parents are separated. Mom with an older boy, dad with two younger sons. Mom is sickeningly wounded. Dad is sickeningly worried. Bayona and Sánchez make their ordeal personal, like the family swept up in Wouk’s “Winds of War.” 

But wait. The real family in this tragedy was Spanish -- not WASP -- and every major character we follow in this tragedy is WASP. The indigenous locals? Side characters. Helpers. Magic negroes, to be bluntly nasty. 

Great as this film is, these diversions choke like a swallowed stone. The movie studio trusted a Spanish team behind the camera, but not in front. Yes, movies (“Argo”) constantly shuffle ethnicities, but here with so many nonwhites killed, getting past that hump is … impossible. B

The Punisher (2004)

“The Punisher” is a punishment to watch. Tone deaf, overlong, filmed in a seemingly deserted Tampa Bay (subbing for New York!) and overacted to the point of hilarity, we suffer more than anyone on screen. The plot to this Marvel comic book vigilante flick: Ex-FBI agent Frank Castle (Thomas Jane) watches his entire family be killed before he himself is left for dead by gangsters (led by John Travolta, all “Weeee! I’m a bad guy!”). Naturally, Castle returns to slay all who wronged him. The comics I recall, Castle was a bad-ass loner feared by villains and super heroes. Here, he babbles nonstop, befriends a trio of special-needs cases imported from an insipid comedy, and, at one point, tortures a half-naked guy by sliding a frozen Popsicle along the man’s back. Um, erotic? No. Punishment. Jane mumbles his lines like an ESL Eastwood and insists his actions are not revenge. Huh? Odd fact: Marvel had made this film three times. Masochistic? D-

Hellboy (2004)

Guillermo del Toro’s “Hellboy” is among the best comic book adaptations out there. And why not? The Spanish master of cinema (he had “The Devil’s Backbone” behind him, and “Pan’s Labyrinth” before him) has a massive bright-red-skinned, sawed-off demon-horned, cat-loving superhero as his star, one who smokes – PC alert! – cigars.

Del Toro doesn’t shy away from the comic book tone, as so many others do to be as audience-pleasing as possible, he embraces it. He even has “Hellboy” comic books be part of the early plot as a young novice FBI agent (Rupert Evans) is assigned as a baby sitter to the prime agent of a top-secret super-natural subdivision of the fed. That’s the tough hero Hellboy, played by Ron Perlman, a character so bizarre to look at onscreen, one marvels still this film ever got made. Or produced a sequel. Perlman, by the way, gives a star-making performance, and clearly is having a blast as the center of attention. He’s the Hulk meets Dirty Harry meets Lucifer, as a misunderstood good guy, and the color of a red Crayola. John Hut, always good and just oozing majesty is Hellboy’s adaptive father, a scientist in love with the strange and unusual.

Part comedy, part horror and action, and all World War II Spielberg Nazis as bad guys opera, this film is a delight from frame one to frame last, because of del Toro’s love for the bizarre, and fantastical sci-fi nonsense. The main villain is none other than Rasputin (Karel Roden), or at least the comic book version of infamous Russian madman, over the top evil and yet grounded as one would expect from the guy who made “Cronos.” (Perlman starred in that gem and “Blade II,” too.) Del Toro’s onscreen pranks include “anything goes” sights in New York to an assassin with sand for blood, and a box full of kittens in need of rescue. (A box full of kittens!)

This is how you take a film from ink-stained comic book pages to the big screen, just go for it. Excellent special effects, makeup and art direction throughout, it’s clearly been inspired by the similar “Men in Black.” Great popcorn fun. A

Troy (2004)

Imagine a film about Christ with no virgin birth, no miracles and no resurrection, nothing that requires belief. That is “Troy.” On my second viewing of this “Illiad”-inspired sword-and-sandals epic about Achilles and the Greek invasion of Troy, I realized that director Wolfgang Peterson (“Das Boot”) and his screenwriters never believed in this story. They scrap -– kill, if you will -- the Greek gods, the chess masters of this classic tale, for pompous romanticism and speechifying about evils of war, immediately before clicking into battle porn shots of half-naked men fighting and women fainting. As the now too-human Achilles, Brad Pitt is too many tics and longing glances ala “Legends of the Fall” to be a warrior, and his lofty dialogue (“It's too early in the day for killing princes”) doesn’t help. Two action scenes rock: A night attack involving flaming balls of straw, and Pitt vs. Eric Bana, all pumped up. The rest of the time, it’s hammy acting, obvious CGI and a giant wooden horse that holds no surprises inside. What a heel. C-

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

How long would it take a Londoner to realize his city has been taken over by zombies? In “Shaun of the Dead,” whole freakin’ days. Simon Pegg’s Shaun is a 29-year-old electronics retail clerk who is clueless about his girlfriend (Kate Ashfield) and best pals with flatmate Ed (Nick Frost), a fatty who farts on cue. The horror bits arrive ever so slow, a peek here, a fuzzy background shot there. Then the blood hits. Our heroes scramble, bicker and fight back. Director/co-writer Edgar Wright trashes everything about zombie flicks, London society and the media. Fantastic scenes abound: The best may be a fight where Shaun and Ed fling old records – but not their favorites – at two dead heads. I could drone on about my favorite bits: The “western bar” showdown, Bill Nighy as a (step!) dad who won’t let being dead marginalize his hatred of speed metal, and the not-subtle joke that Shaun is with the wrong girl. This satire plays smarter than most of the films it’s ripping. Pegg is brilliant as the exasperated hero. Whatever that means. A

The Machinist (2004)

“The Machinist” is painful to watch. It’s not the story, another take on a man’s cracking sanity as he muddles hallucinations and reality, and rages. Nor is it the cinematography, all gas station greens and yellowish-whites. It’s Christian Bale. Dude lost 60 pounds to play Trevor Reznik, a severe insomniac who’s watching his weight drop by double digits and his eyes black out. Yes, the visage of his freakish, skeletal body is meant to shock, but it’s also overwhelming. He weighed more in “Empire of the Sun.” At 13. Jennifer Jason Leigh (“eXistenZ”) lowers herself and plays an aging prostitute. The only other woman is an airport waitress. Do screenwriter Scott Kosar and director Brad Anderson know of any other roles for women? The interesting bits come in parsing out how much of Reznik’s world is only in his head, and that I’m still undecided is a good mark. That the movie brings nothing new to the table other than Bale as Twiggy is a swift bad mark. B-

Hero (2004)

Yimou Zhang's "Hero" is about nothing less than the story behind the idea and the man who would become founder and first emperor of China, some 2,000 years ago. It also is one lush, gorgeous film from frame one: Landscapes recall Monet paintings and David Lean films, warriors clash in palaces decorated with huge flowing banners. Yet, I was unmoved. Bored. How many times can a person watch fantasy-laden martial arts warriors chase after each other, swords clanging, legs reaching like ballerinas, over lakes and tree tops ala "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"? Too many, for me. I'm long past the gimmick. Jet Li stars as Nameless, a prefect who gains audience with the King of Qin to tell how he slew three assassins out to kill the ruler. But is Nameless there just to tell stories? The answer is very "Rushamon." Li is so stoic heroic, he's lifeless, and Ziyi Zhang is wasted in a ho-hum role. Yes, this film has beauty and colors galore, but it lacks blood – both in passion and violence – and skims the heart and brain much like its heroes skim lakes. Always over. Never diving in. B-

2004: Best and Worst

The Best
1. The Incredibles
2. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
3. Shaun of the Dead
4. Kill Bill Vol. 2
5. Maria Full of Grace
6. Sideways
7. Vera Drake
8. Ray
9. (Tie) Spider-Man 2 and Hellboy
10. Infernal Affairs

The Worst
5. (Tie) Catwoman and The Punisher
4. The Stepford Wives
3. Fat Albert
2. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
1. The Phantom of the Opera