Does a
bear shit in the woods? What about a Wolverine?
In the opening minutes of “The
Wolverine” -- the latest cinematic chapter of the X-Men mutant superhero saga
-- we see the former, but thankfully never the latter as our fast-healing,
metal-clawed, highly disgruntled hero Logan (Hugh Jackman) has taken to living
in a remote Canadian cave to escape humanity. (OK, it’s a piss, not a shit, but
damn the details. And if you don’t know who Wolverine is, just stop reading. I
can’t help you.) This miserable life follows the unfortunate events of the
unfortunate “X-Men: Last Stand” that left power-crazed Jean Grey dead by
Wolverine’s claws.
He killed her to save himself and the world, because that
always happens in comic books. Yet, her ghost (Famke Janssen, also returning) appears
in Wolverine’s dreams, her dressed in lingerie and in his bed as never happens
in comic books. But this is the movie, and she’s not the only specter haunting
Logan, whose only friend is now that bear. (Let the snickering begin.) Wolverine’s long past a century old, his genetically-mutated-at-birth healing
powers keeping him eternally alive and at middle age. He has seen so much
horror, death, and pain, his every moment is clouded by anger, ghosts and lost voices.
Among the dark memories: His saving of a young Japanese prison guard as
Nagasaki is obliterated by an American atomic bomb on 9 August 1945. That scene
opens the film. The guard has since grown to become an old, dying billionaire
owner of a tech company and he has plans for Logan: Mainly taking that eternal healing
power for himself, allowing the Wolverine to finally die, and rest in longed
for peace. And Logan indeed see his powers seeped away courtesy a villainous
mutant known as the Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova), a literal snake-like woman
who excretes maddening and deadly poison.
A now vulnerable Logan soon finds
himself inside a ticking bomb Japanese samurai/gangster drama that touches
government powers and includes the old guy’s 20-something granddaughter, Mariko
(Tao Okamoto), who is the target of assassins, family jealousies, and dull
acting.
A wounded, bleeding, off-his-game Logan and the woman go on the run and
on the train, to Nagasaki and beyond, all leading to a climax atop a high-tech
castle that recalls at once samurai classic drama “Ran” and also – head desk
slam -- every other freakin’ superhero movie made, most especially a metal
man/monster right out of a certain Robert Downey Jr,. franchise starter. (Mimicry is, what, flattering?)
Comic book
geeks such as myself -- weaned in the 1980s and on the high-mark of Wolverine’s
Japanese origin stories, with him taking on black-clad ninjas in a snowy
mountain village, no noise but the slicing of bodies and clanging of sword on
claws in the cold snow -– have long looked forward to the story of Logan told on
film. To the saga of Wolverine, it’s as important as Krypton to Superman.
The 2009 “Origins” Wolverine prequel was a bust on every level, as we were robbed of
this story that fired our imagination and made us feel like we were watching a
forbidden film of grisly violence. So, this sequel provides a double-edged
sword as we do –- finally! -– get to see that very story told.
But –- head desk
slam part two -– the showdown is dispatched in such a quick a flash, I felt gutted.
Director James Mangold and his writers (Scott Frank and Mark Bomback, plus an
uncredited script doctor Christopher McQuarrie, and Lord knows who else)
already were pushing the PG-13 line with blood. Was this too far? Whatever the
case, it disappoints.
Yes, I’m on a fan boy nitpick. Screw my geeky expectations,
right? OK.
The film’s a mess in myriad ways leading to these final battles,
from the listless romance between Logan and Mariko -- half the age of Jackman,
and likely a tenth of Logan’s age, to the absolutely blank spot of villainy. We
are served betrayals that fizzle, a big reveal that could only shock a comatose
child, and as the main threat -– Viper, the snake woman with layers of skin –- a
vapid actress unqualified to sneer candy from the grip of a baby. The film dies, I kid
not, when Khodchenkova opens her mouth. (Language issue?) But she is not all to blame. It’s not
just miscasting, the character of Viper has no motive, no purpose, she’s just
there. She’s an afterthought in tight, ridiculously revealing outfits.
Maybe that’s enough for some
filmmakers. (Mangold put Cameron Diaz through the clothes trials in “Knight and Day,” for sure.)
As Logan faces down enemies we don’t fear, fights for loves we
don’t care about, and sees his powers restored -– naturally -– before any true
pain hits, the razor sharp potential of this film is made soup spoon dull. I
could not do better. But I expected better. Darren Aronofsky –- he made “Black Swan” and “Requiem for a Dream” –- was slated to direct this, and I marvel
inside my own head at the film he could have made, talking Logan to the darkest
reaches of a mind we see only hinted here. And putting buckets of blood on that
snow.
(The man cited family as a reason to not do the flick. Me, I think he
wanted an “R” film, the studio tossed him aside. Such a rating would poison the box office. Bullshit logic. The movie opened soft anyway.)
“Wolverine” is not terrible. Jackman
is amazing, not just his bulked-out size, but the energy he brings to Logan. “X-Men”
back in 2000 made the guy star, but he has stayed loyal to this character. Name
another actor who has that dedication? If the film had his energy, it would be
epic. But it’s only minor. Another scratch added to the list of disposable
comic book movies that clog screens, not fill imaginations.
Stay for the end
credits, a small teaser to the next “X-Men” film as two older gentlemen from
the franchise take a defibrillator to this flick. Zap! The “ehh” audience I sat
with got a jolt. I did. You will. Funny how I turn on myself, I’m growing tired
of the genre, but bring on the next one, please.
A question and from the
first scene: How does Wolverine get taken prisoner in war to begin with,
to set up this story? No answer there. B-
