Noah (2014)

Darren Aronofsky’s “Noah” is mesmerizing, dredging in despair before shining in the power of hope, and yet it’s also -– not shocking, considering the people to please -– bat-crazy frustrating. Aronofsky has long focused on obsessives determined to feed an hunger even if it kills them, be it for love (“Fountain”) or art (“Black Swan”), but here he looks to the top, to God. Noah -- played by Russell Crowe -– goes far beyond sanity, terrorizing his family to -– he thinks –- please God, whom he only communicates with in dreams. You know the story. Ark. Flood. Animals two by two. Bird with twig. It’s here, but Aronofsky adds more. Welcome: Fallen giant angels covered in stone build the arc for Noah. Dumb move: Adding a villainous warlord (Ray Winstone) who stows away for months before he goes all knives and fists. Really? A knife fight is what this story -– told worldwide in many faiths -- needs? Why not scenes of the banality of life in that ship, the claustrophobia? Why add drama to one of the greatest drama stories ever told? That said, there’s no other director I can think of who could tell this story, whether you believe it fact or fantasy. B

The Robe (1953)

Biblical epic “The Robe” is more akin to “Ben-Hur” than any film about Christ. It follows a (fictional) man inspired by Christ, here Marcellus Gallio (Richard Burton), the rich, man-ho, authority-bucking Roman centurion who oversaw the very crucifixion of the Son of God. The titular red robe is that worn by Jesus, dropped at the cross, and won by Gallio in a bet. The robe, or course, isn’t just cloth. It’s the whole blood of salvation thing set to wake up Gallio from his life’s stupor. Too dumb for analogies? Dude also literally gets Jesus’ blood on his hands. The rest of the film tracks Gallio as he becomes a believer. Burton gnashes teeth down to the gums and when he gets that robe near his face, he “sucks” it up like Frank Drebin wrestling with that pillow in “Naked Gun.” Tin sword fights on stairs abound, too. Very “Robin Hood” sans tights. Thank the Lord. Still, for all the unintended laughs, many of director Henry Koster’s images are knock out: A distraught Judas walking off into the night, a tree in the distance is stunning. The end-scene “walk to heaven”? Just ick. B

Year One (2009)

There are a few laughs in Harold Ramis’ Old Testament spoof “Year One,” but only a few. I laughed at a “chase” between two oxen-pulled carts. ... And not much else. Leads Jack Black and Michael Cera play the same dudes they always do (Black = prankster devil, Cera = virgin nerd). Plot? Black’s knuckle-dragging Zed eats Eden’s forbidden fruit, gains knowledge, and with Cerra’s Oh in tow, stumbles into the book of Genesis. The Cain and Abel bits actually are quite funny, with David Cross and Paul Rudd playing the brothers. Hank Azaria is a nutty Abraham. Monty Python, on its worst day, took a 2x4 to religion. Ramis uses a damp dishrag. The whole thing ends in a Sodom that ought to be smote by God. Not for sin. But for boredom. C-