The Wizard of Oz (1939)

“The Wizard of Oz” is the absolute Hollywood classic. Every fantasy film starts here. The story is simple: A Kansas farm girl is knocked unconscious during a storm and -– it’s a dream -- but let’s say she is taken by a twister to a Technicolor land of witches, scarecrows, tin men, wizards, and Munchkins, far from her sepia-toned world of dirt. To get back home, the girl must steal the broom of the Wicked Witch of the West, played in the greatest villain turn ever by Margaret Hamilton. Judy Garland is the girl, Dorothy, who within 10 minutes sings “Over the Rainbow” and makes us forget the world’s problems. Check the date on this post and deny thinking this week we all wanted to be someplace else, escape our world. It’s the childhood film that gets better watching as an adult. At 70+ years, this is go-to film of optimism, not a drop of cynicism or snark, where everything can go right if you have friends, and you can be home again if only you click your heels thrice. Yes, it’s wishful thinking. Garland OD’d. But we need a bit of “Oz” and often, even the Flying Monkeys. A+

The Fourth Kind (2009)

Alien-abduction thriller/faux documentary flick “The Fourth Kind” plays on conspiracy paranoia for horror scares and mocking hilarity, dishing out a triple-dog daring opener as actress Milla Jovovich – swirling camera and crazy lights galore -– looks dead at the camera and announces she is actress Milla Jovovich, and this is a movie. She plays “real-life” young widow and psychiatrist Abigail Tyler, who has a series of patients haunted by creepy owls. Except the owls –- “Twin Peaks” reference! –- are not what they seem. Director Olatunde Osunsanm -– who also plays himself –- rides his clever gimmick hard, showing the “real” Tyler as played by Charlotte Milchard and videotape footage “she” filmed during patient interviews, cutting it with the actors re-creating the events with Hollywood gusto. It’s all outlandish, but isn’t every UFO kidnap story? And Osansanm knows it. Alas, he derails the film with a blowhard sheriff (Will Patton spit-spewing) threatening arrest and charges against our heroine with no reason whatsoever, and even in a film built on illogic, it suffocates the “is this real?” joke pitch to death, so not even Alex Jones would buy in. Shame, too. What comes before is out of this world. B-

Oblivion (2013)

Futuristic thriller “Oblivion” is a surprising effort from Tom Cruise and director/writer Joseph Kosinski for all the wrong reasons: It’s a dud film timed for Earth Day. Every scene, fight, character, and reveal is recycled from better films in my DVD collection. 

Cruise is Jack, a memory-wiped repair guy on a wasted 2077 Earth who looks after massive machinery that provides energy for humanity, now stored up on a spaceship and ready to bolt for distant refuge. Jack is alone but for his monotone (and ginger-haired) companion (Andrea Riseborough) who runs his life. A robot in high heels, her.

“Oblivion” is a knock-out artistically, but it’s also -– in case you haven’t been paying attention -– a nonsensical awful reverse of “Moon,” a new-classic sci-fi films. Yes, Jack meets another Jack. Really. Duncan Jones could sue. Also lazily ripped: “2001,” “Star Wars” and “Independence Day,” among others. No moment of this thriller thrills, it rehash future where reveals land like bricks.

When Cruise’s hero inexplicibly (mind wipe!) recalls a football game, I forgot I like him as an actor. Kosinski made “Tron: Legacy,” another great-looking sci-fi epic stuck in the past. Pattern? C

Oz: The Great and Powerful (2013)

Note: I saw this while ill and on medicine, missing sections, so grain of salt... 

Sam Raimi’s prequel has an impossible task: Stand not after, but before the perfect “Wizard of Oz,” one of the greatest films produced by Hollywood. Dolled up in 3D and the best CGI computers can buy, borrow, and steal, “Oz: the Great and Powerful” has no chance. But it’s not a bad film. There’s a childlike playfulness to it, and stacked beside his very unchildlike “Spring Breakers,” oddly fascinating. James Franco again plays against three women as a con artist who’s been bullshitting himself so long, he believes his own schtick. His Oscar is swept away by a tornado to the land that bears his nickname, and there he meets three sisters and witches (Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis, and Rachel Weisz) who believe him to be some kind of prophet. You know from “Wizard” how it all shakes out, and this echoes the same beats -– traveling companions, munchkins, and witch battle. Franco gives a weird, sly take as with “Breakers.” Maybe too sly. Kunis is great and terrible. But wasn’t Judy Garland? Great and powerful? No. The heart of “Oz” beats far too cynical, whereas the 1939 film roared beautifully and proud. But it entertains. B

X-Files: I Want to Believe (2008)

I watched the supernatural “X-Files” TV series with so-so religious devotion, and the 1998 “X-Files: Fight the Future” film was well-timed, bringing back paranormal FBI agent investigators Mulder (David Duchovny) and Scully (Gillian Anderson). Yet, by the time “X-Files: I Want to Believe” came 10 years later, I was over the show. So seem the actors and creator/director Chris Carter. This is a “stand-alone” episode, not just in theme, but time. It’s more akin to “Se7en.” Not anything to obsess over. Here, Scully works miserably at a Catholic hospital, while Mulder clips news articles and miserably grows a beard. A perplexing case involving a missing FBI agent, a severed arm, and a psychic criminal priest (Billy Connolly) brings our heroes back to flashlights in the dark and grisly conspiracies, and as the mystery is uncovered, the limits of PG-13 ratings are stretched as is any semblance of logic: A hero hears dogs barking in No Where West Virginia and instantly recognizes the bad guy’s lair. Really? No one here has been to West Virginia, the snow screams Canada. Believe? My faith vanished long ago. C+

Stolen (2012)

If Liam Neeson from “Taken” showed up in Nicolas Cage’s my-daughter’s-been-kidnapped thriller “Stolen,” the movie would have lasted 15 minutes. But he doesn’t. Cage plays Will, a master thief who sees life get worse after an eight year stint in prison. Case 1: Cops are on him like creepy on a Southern politician. Case 2: His presumed dead ex-partner (Josh Lucas) is out for revenge, snatching said daughter. The plot centers around taxi cabs. Lucas’ thug tools around in one. Will steals another. Why? No idea. Up against the always unhinged Cage, Lucas seems to have taken the villain role as a one-up challenge. After the prologue, he sports greasy surfer hair, a lazy eye, shaving scars, rotten teeth, an emphysemic cough, and a fake leg. He screams and growls every line. If this freak dropped into a “Pirates of the Caribbean” film, he’d get strange looks. Cage reacts by talking Swedish. Seriously. The climax of this Simon West flick one-ups the actors with a fight to the death not seen since “Freddy vs. Jason.” At an abandoned amusement park. Zany. Crazy. Terrible. Laughable. Grotesque. Better than the “Taken” sequel. C-

Taken 2 (2012)

“Taken 2” is pure GOP values: ’Merica is pure and strong, and every last Muslim is an evil perv-o killer, and women are helpless creatures who cannot drive a car or plan a vacation without male supervision. Fox News would endorse it. The themes are serious, I think. Liam Neeson again plays the ex-CIA agent who shoots,stabs, stomps, and rips apart dozens of evil foreigners to save his daughter (Maggie Grace) and now kidnapped wife (Famke Janssen) from slavery. We’re in Turkey and Islam looms like a disease, and every person of color -– be it police to hotel clerk -- is part of the conspiracy. Fox News. It’s all less than 90 minutes, so the trip is mercifully short, and Neeson is fast becoming a thinking man’s Chuck Norris, even if the thinking is fascist and WASP. To get a PG-13, director Olivier Megaton (his real name?) goes bloodless and when necks break in Neeson’s fists, we hear no sound because snapping bone is somehow more offensive than gunfire. The editing is terrible, and so  is the slant that Neeson (wonderful actor) is taking onscreen. D+

Corvette Summer (1978)

Luke Skywalker’s Corvette gets stolen!?! Wait ’til his dad finds out! Cheesy joke? Yeah. But much of the car-and-a-girl adventure flick “Corvette Summer” is cheesy and often ridiculous, most of the latter unintentional. Hamill -– 27 and post disfiguring crash -– improbably plays an auto-shop geek teen who has never sipped booze or kissed a girl. (That Hamill constantly looks rocked is remarkably not remarked upon.) The story: Hamill’s Kenny’s shop car beauty –- bright red, right-seat drive, killer flares -– gets stolen and ferreted to Las Vegas, and our boy hitchhikes his way to get the car and rip the bad guys. Along the way he meets a naïve girl (Annie Potts) yearning to go pro ho, gets mugged, goes homeless, bounces jobs, gets laid, and -– yes! –- finds his car. In perfect Skywalker fashion, Hamill whimpers, moans, and hyperventilates through every act. I wished Ben Kenobi to swoop in, scream “Shut the fuck up!,” and cut Kenny down. Didn’t happen. “Corvette” must be a prank on the hot rod genre: Guys, cars are just shiny metal, chase after the girl! This cannot be serious. Hamill himself is the best gag, intentional or not. B