300: Rise of an Empire (2014)

Not a sequel, not a prequel, more likely a tax write-off, “300: Rise of an Empire” plays like a long-ass chunk of deleted scenes from 2006’s “300,” from director Zack Snyder and Comic Book God Frank Miller. Shot in studio with buff-ass actors against green screens in an endless orgy of deft Greek violence, guts, blood, and machismo, “300” fuckin’ rocked, killing every snob film instinct I hold. Sick, depraved, baseless fun. This thing, seven years late and directed by some shit I cannot Google, plays like a junior high school knock off. I grow tired rehashing it. Eva Green (“Casino Royale”) is the conquering bad ass b*tch coming to fuck over Greece, and hero Sullivan Stapleton, whose name sounds like a law firm but he is actually an actor playing hero Themistocles, vows to stop her. Blood flies. Tons of it. Gobs of it. Gallons. This is a film seemingly made by adults that vibes like it was dreamed by my war-obsessed 12-year-old nephew who has not a clue what war and violence entails. Except he’s smarter than this lot and can call bullshit. This is bullshit. D-

X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

Bryan Signer’s “X-Men: Days of Future Past” –- his first return to the Marvel Mutant franchise in 11 years -– has one of those plots that would jump several Marvel titles and have me buying and reading lest I miss a twist. “Future Past” is literal as we focus on clawed-hero Wolverine (Hugh Jackman, Marvel’s hardest working man) leaping from 2023 to 1973 to stop an Orwellian existence started by a mad scientist (Peter Dinklage) bent on domination. Indeed we get the heroes and villains of the two “X-Men” time-line franchises, with seniors Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan and sophomores James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender respectively playing hero Professor X and (non)villain Magneto, all for one admission. Singer serves the giddiest fun scene of the entire “X” films -- a punk speed demon (Evan Peters) breaks Magneto out of a Pentagon cell -– but, damn it, all the time leaping and plot erasing reminds me of the futility of so many comic books. No one dies. Watch a well-known character perish? No worries, wait three minutes, it won’t matter. Emotional investment? Suspense? Wet fireworks. Pay up for the next chapter, please. In three-color print, it worked. On screen? It rings empty. B-

Monsters, Inc. (2001) and Monsters University (2013)

Animation wise, Pixar was knocking out instant classic year after year in the early 2000s, and “Monsters Inc.” stood tall among many gems. The fantastic story: All those shadowy monsters we saw in our closets and under our beds as children are real, and they live in monster city powered by the screams of bed-frightened youth. The kicker: The monsters fear children. Kids are considered toxic, and woe the hairy freak who gets a toddler’s sock stuck to his back. 

The top “scarer” is James “Sully” Sullivan, a massive blue-and-purple horned guy with the voice of John Goodman and a sidekick/manager/BFF named Mike Wazowski that looks like a giant eyeball with legs and arms, and the voice of Billy Crystal. (Just dig the names: Right out of any Philly neighborhood from my childhood.) All is well for these guys until Mike lets in a babbling toddler who mistakes our scary man for a big kitty. Mayhem ensues, with smart genre spoofing and asides as Ray Harryhausen’s name becomes that of the top spot to eat in town and medusa is, umm, a hot lady at work. For Mike no less. 

Every moment – especially John Ratzenburger as an Abominable Snowman with self-esteem issues – is magic, and the film empowers children to not cry but laugh at the dark. How unfathomably cool is that? Besides “Incredibles,” Pixar has no better action scene than a long fight between our heroes against a lizard-like color shifter snidely voiced by Steve Buscemi among thousands of racing, shifting closet doors, each leading to the “real” world. 

 “Inc.” pops and crackles with glee, with Randy Newman’s jazz score tying the knot on the present. The last scene kills.

The sequel, “Monsters University,” is a prequel as we jump back in time to see James and Mike meet during their freshman year of college. Are they pals? No. Rivals. The gist of the story: Our heroes are at college to major in scaring children to land jobs at the power company Monsters Inc. James is a natural, coasting in on his family name, while Mike has mud in his eye, not the slightest bit scary. 

The duo find themselves on academic skids after destroying a prize possession of the dean (Helen Mirren, turning on the intimidation to full blast as a dragon-like scorpion). Along the way Mike and James join the Omega Kappa (O.K.!) fraternity, a bottom drawer of geeks who live with one of their own mothers. Will Mike and James and the team succeed against all odds? Yes! They will. (Debate: Is cheating OK? Well…) 

Pixar is coasting here, railing on “Revenge of the Nerds” jokes and our own love for the first film. Oh, there are laughs -- I dug the old lady librarian from Mordor – but the jazz pop of “Inc.” is sophomoric.

Inc.:  A University:  B+

Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

In 2009 when J.J. Abrams rebirthed the “Star Trek” franchise into eyeball-popping entertainment with enough heart to make you weep 5 minutes in, I wondered what he could do with “Star Wars.” So, I got goose bumps watching “Star Trek Into Darkness,” a stellar summer sequel packed with franchise-glory-era political bite that also puts the “alternate reality” roles of Kirk and Spock in full ownership of Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. But Abrams isn’t afraid to dip back into lore and resurrect ideas and enemies, taking beats we know by heart and spinning them 180 with new blood or a wink. Here, a Starfleet wonder boy named John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch, fuckin’ awesome) declares war on his own and, of course, our heroes must stop him. But with Abrams, nothing is simple as –- nerd alert –- Peter “RoboCop” Weller, is the boss in charge. This boasts ego, characters crashing and lifting each other up, American commentary, crippled tech, a self-sacrifice, a perfect cameo, and a madman so … beloved … to us geeks and electrifyingly alive, we want to fall under his spell. What Abrams can do with “Star Wars” has me dizzy with anticipation. A-

Oz: The Great and Powerful (2013)

Note: I saw this while ill and on medicine, missing sections, so grain of salt... 

Sam Raimi’s prequel has an impossible task: Stand not after, but before the perfect “Wizard of Oz,” one of the greatest films produced by Hollywood. Dolled up in 3D and the best CGI computers can buy, borrow, and steal, “Oz: the Great and Powerful” has no chance. But it’s not a bad film. There’s a childlike playfulness to it, and stacked beside his very unchildlike “Spring Breakers,” oddly fascinating. James Franco again plays against three women as a con artist who’s been bullshitting himself so long, he believes his own schtick. His Oscar is swept away by a tornado to the land that bears his nickname, and there he meets three sisters and witches (Michelle Williams, Mila Kunis, and Rachel Weisz) who believe him to be some kind of prophet. You know from “Wizard” how it all shakes out, and this echoes the same beats -– traveling companions, munchkins, and witch battle. Franco gives a weird, sly take as with “Breakers.” Maybe too sly. Kunis is great and terrible. But wasn’t Judy Garland? Great and powerful? No. The heart of “Oz” beats far too cynical, whereas the 1939 film roared beautifully and proud. But it entertains. B

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

J.R.R. Tolkien’s seminal 1937 children’s book “The Hobbit, or There and Back Again” is concise, funny, and light in spirit, which I cannot say for director/writer Peter Jackson and his team from the famed “Lord of the Rings” trilogy in their adaptation of the newly titled “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.” There is no “Back Again” here, and there shall not be for two movies, and six (!) more hours. 

This toss-in-the-kitchen-sink trilogy opener stops just shy of three hours as it spells out in detail how Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman, playing the young version of Ian Holm, who appears as well) came into possession of the powerful ring –- the Ring -– that sets in motion the 2001-2003 films and 1954-1955 books fans know so well. 

First thing out of the way: I saw “Hobbit” in 2D and regular frame rate, not the 3D and 48 frames-per-second rate that has garnered much press. Second: I read the book so long ago I cannot recall it in my memory. I judge by hunches and –- God help me -– the Web. 

Movie wise, “Hobbit” is split as Tolkein’s greatest and most troubled character, Gollum, the schizophrenic villain/victim who owned and lost the preciousss golden circle to Bilbo, who decades later will hand it over to nephew Frodo, and you know the rest. Team Jackson –- including co-writer Gillermo del Toro -– take not just the “Hobbit” book, but myriad side-stories, prefixes, appendices, and shopping lists written by Tolkein and knit out a story that is jovial, eye-popping in wonder, and maddeningly dull and repetitive to the point of tedium. Even during the big CGI action sequences. 

(There’s a fist-fight between two black-rock mountains (!) that is impressive, bizarre, laugh-out-loud ridiculous, overlong by half, and in the end, useful as a lecture on thermodynamics.) 

I could not repeat all the plot tentacles to save my soul, except this quick sketch: Homebody Hobbit Bilbo is thrust into joining 13 dwarves (led by Richard Armitage as the dreamiest “GQ” dwarf ever) as they set out to kill the dragon that took their mountain homeland decades ago. The instigator of this hunt is the wise Moses-like wizard Gandalf, again played by Ian McKellan. The troupe is hunted by trolls, a vengeance-seeking one-armed orc, and wolves. Llittle of this is in the book, but thrown in by Jackson, who seems set on making a simple fable into something far darker and massively important. 

I know that’s nit-picking. Changes were made to the “LOTR” trilogy, especially the loss of the vital “Scouring of the Shire” finale, but so much of this movie is filler created solely because the filmmakers have the budget and technology, not because it serves this story. 

As with prequels, characters are re-introduced wholesale to goose memories. In almost every instance, these are time-killers. We don’t need Elijah Wood as Frodo. Nor Holm as old Bilbo. Cate Blanchett’s elf queen, so majestically introduced in “Fellowship of the Ring,” stumbles into this film with such little fanfare, one can’t imagine her importance. Same with Christopher Lee’s Sauramon, parked in a chair and practically giving away his whole game plan of evil to come later on. Ditto Gollum and his long slow intro, now redundant I suppose. I'm muffing some of the details here, but the point stands -- especially if this film is viewed as a true prequel.

See, Jackson is making these as a man looking back, nostalgic for every morsel he can scrape, not a man looking forward with this chapter and its two coming successors as predecessors to what befalls Bilbo, Gandalf, and all our beloved characters. 

All gripes aside, I have hope for “Hobbit” parts 2 and 3. Freeman -- Watson in BBC’s “Sherlock” -- turns in a star-making reading of Bilbo, a man (Halfling?) who finds his worth far from home. He’s funny, irritating but sincerely so, curious, bold, and thorough, a wonderful homage to Holm’s take. 

When Bilbo and Gollum meet –- toward the end -– the scene crackles and brings “Hobbit” to Must Watch status. (Andy Serkis as Gollum again shine as the MVP of this series. As well, the CGI work to bring this foul creature to life is still the best use of computers in a life-action film, ever.) As Bilbo holds a sword to the neck of a seething, panicking creature, Jackson and all the wizards behind this tale put us in the hot seat. We know striking down Gollum will prevent much agony later, and I thought, “Push it through.” Knowing full well that won’t happen. 

It’s a twisty definitive, solid moment in a film full of holes, not the Hobbit kind. B-

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

With “Paranormal Activity 4” topping the box office this weekend, I realize I only ever saw the first film, and bypassed a crop of sequels. Until now. “Paranormal Activity 2” may have been titled “Paranormal Activity Too” as it follows the sister (Sprague Grayden) of the woman (Katie Featherston) haunted and left fate unknown in the low-budget, hand-made 2009 box office smash. This is a prequel, stand-aside, and carbon copy, with the same found home surveillance and video camera “evidence” footage showing a mysterious force ripping apart a family. Cue slamming doors, bizarre attacks, and -- one hour in -- a frying pan falling off one of those pot hanger thingies in a kitchen I envy.  “PA1” was a surprise film made by a guy who wanted to scare the crap out of folks, and he made it in his own home. “PA2” has moments –- floating baby does provide spooks galore -– but it’s studio product made to make coin, and that’s very normal activity. The entire film builds up and previews “PA3.” Should I see that? B-

Prometheus (2012)

The must re-watch shocking, amazing, perplexing, fascinating film of the summer, maybe the year. “Prometheus” is not exactly an “Alien” prequel, but a smarter, darker great-grandparent to such a prequel, fueled with curiosity of beginnings and origins, but not just of the classic 1979 sci-fi horror film that set off a new genre and exploded my young mind, but where all life began. The questions and the answers here, as in life, vex more than soothe and settle, and I’d settle for nothing less. Weeks out, I still obsess about this entry.

“Alien” – for all its glorious cinematic blood and guts, big hidden ideas and woman as warrior hero/savior of a kitty, was sort of like “Jaws in Space,” a monster film. A  brilliant one, no less. With exploding-from-the-inside chests and a real Paranoid Android, thank you, Thom Yorke. I love that film, endlessly. This is far deeper, and comes from not just the mind of original director Ridley Scott, but co-screenwriter Damon Lindelof, the man behind the question-baiting, answer-withholding enigma-within-a-puzzle “Lost,” an absolute favorite TV show, and I don’t watch much TV shows.

All this in a summer flick, I love it. I digress. 

To the film: Despite the million bitch-and-moan reviews you see everywhere, those pointing out scenes don’t match up, we’re not even on the same planet -- LV-426 -- that Ripley et al landed on in our 1979, the movie’s 2122. Instead, here, much of the action takes place in the year 2093, on a moon dubbed LV-223, and believed to be the exact spot of the creation of humankind, all the universe, or so a series of ancient cave paintings tell two scientists, one a Christian named Shaw (Noomi Rapace of the European “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” trilogy) and the other an agnostic hard-ass named Charlie (Logan Marshall-Green of “Devil”). The two brains become the center of a $1 trillion, multi-year mission to find the planet, and meet our makers, God, or –- so dubbed here –- The Engineers. (Go engineers!)

Yes, things go bad soon after touchdown and a non-human, but definitely hand-built massive structure, is explored, and bodies are ripped apart, stomachs opened, and -– in one nasty scene -– a worm crawls out of a person’s eyeball. (I refuse to give any spoilers, so I’m being as vague as possible here, but think this: Worst science class field trip ever.) But this isn’t a B-horror movie, it’s Scott’s bid to give us a pre-telling of not just “Alien,” but possibly “2001: A Space Odyssey,” every great science fiction film ever made, including “Blade Runner,” and our own lives. Connections to the 1979 flick are ... on your own to figure out, off screen, before or after this action.

“Alien” is just one child of this movie, this story, this Father. So many more films are wide open to explore, even those closer to home than anything in the films we all know and love, save Parts 3 and 4, and anything with “Predator” in the title. To wit: Dig the opening scene in which a massive, ivory-colored being drinks a strange, harsh potion atop a massive waterfall, and immediately starts to literally crumble. From the inside out. A disc, flat then tall, hovers above. He falls, splashes dead into the water, and his decaying cells are reborn in the water into new live, and we can flash guess from the next jump to Scotland, we just saw the birth of humans on Earth. All us.

In a summer flick. (Have I mentioned that before? Call me smitten.)

It’s not a perfect film, too many of the scientists, engineers, doctors and brainiacs aboard the ship must act foolish in order to meet their end, and a late-in-the-game self-surgery procedure (the film’s biggest talk-about-it scene that will live on infamy and YouTube clips for decades) would lay a person flat for a week, but the wildly resilient character bounces back far too quickly. (Note: The person ingests and injects enough drugs to kill every member of Guns N’ Roses, so the script leaves wiggle room on that point. Almost.) 

But damn the nitpicks, I loved it all, from the sound design, the vast sets of the human space craft (the ironic title of the film is its name) to the caverns of the alien temples and spacecraft, and Michael Fassbender’s David, an android with no outward feelings or emotion, but all too aware that as his creators -– mankind -- are all capable of being flawed, hopeless, hopeful, beautiful, addictive, messy, psychotic, murderous, and kind, why cannot man’s Creator also be that. Scott even plays off of Fassbender’s godly good-looks and stranger-among-strangers post as David obsessively watches and mimics Peter O’Toole’s performance in “Lawrence of Arabia.” Even the 3D version rocks, including the surgery scene, and the eyeball, quite effective. Also, will someone please nominate Fassbender for an Oscar already, the man from “Shame" near owns this epic tale.

This “prequel’ is no “Thing 2011” rehash -– that’s the worst this film could be –- Scott is shooting for the heavens, the stars, and beyond, and that’s something to celebrate during a summer of caped hero movies and Adam Sandler comedies. Let the uncut, full, master version of Scott’s vision come quick. God may be in the details. Imperfections and all, this is my kind of summer flick. Bravo to all. A  

The Thing (2011)

The makers behind “The Thing” insisted from Day One they were not remaking John Carpenter’s classic 1982 horror-in-Antarctica thriller of the same name, but building a prequel story to tell us what happened before a creature attacked an American-led camp headed by Kurt Russell. But this is a remake in every scene and sense, ironic for a film about a mysterious, murderous alien force that perfectly replicates its victims. Joel Edgerton (a pilot) and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (a scientist) lead the cold cast, a camp full of interchangeable Norwegians who stumble upon a space ship and a seemingly dead creature. I didn’t wince or jump once, distracted to madness on how every idea on screen is tired and boxed-in, and how CGI will never equal the gross, hand-built physical effects of 30 years ago. First-time film director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. is anti-John Carpenter, taking us out of the movie’s best spot – a mid-flight helicopter ride where the monster attacks -- just as it begins, and puts us on the ground. In the snow. Terrible. This Thing is bloodless, a Xerox. C-