The Untouchables (1987) and Gangster Squad (2013)

Double bill: Brian De Palma’s “The Untouchables” with Elliot Ness versus Al Capone, and “Gangster Squad,” with L.A. cops against Mickey Cohen. Both are true cops-and-mobs stories repainted with Hollywood final blowout action scenes. Why allow Frank Nitti his suicide when Ness can toss him off a building? “Squad” plays looser with truth. 

Such is film. Facts hit the floor faster than bodies. In 200 words, my take downs on these mob take-down films.

“Untouchables” –- also based on the rah-rah TV show – follows Eagle Scout/U.S. Treasury agent Ness (Kevin Costner) as he brings in three like-minded heroes (Sean Connery as wise old cop, Andy Garcia as hothead cop, and Charles Martin Smith as nerd cop) to nail Robert De Niro’s Capone. Smart casting and smart-looking film. 

It smells of Chicago and spent bullets. De Palma and screenwriter David Mamet put us in gorgeous locales -– trains station, courthouses, and filthy red alleyways. Dialogue pops like spent lead: Connery barking about knives at a “gun party” is classic. 

I was 13 in ’87 and this became my Instant Favorite Film. The violence, male bravado, scope, and that shoot-out on the stairs. It’s a stellar cops-and-gangsters fantasy for… teenage boys. I’m wiser now, and the red-blood love has waned. This is a sloppy-ass film riddled with dubious continuity errors -– moving corpses, that wondering elevator in the assassination scene, a terrible voice dub throughout, and logic tossed aside in a courtroom finale. Too many scenes make me cringe. 

Was De Palma so in love with his own (admittedly great) style, he forgot the importance of details? Hell if I know. Costner is too fantastic to care. B+

“Squad” whiffs fake as “Untouchables” feels immersed in Chicago lore. You can smell the wet paint. I read Ellroy. Call me biased. Josh Brolin is WWII Army Special Forces vet John O’Mara, now a cop assigned to stop New York-bred Cohen (Sean Penn) from becoming the West Coast Capone.

O’Mara is very Ness to the point I believe writer Will Beall watched “Untouchables” on repeat. Lines are lifted whole. O’Mara also has his three heroes: Robert Patrick as wise old cop, Ryan Gosling as hothead cop, and Giovanni Ribisi as nerd cop. Toss in retro-progression with Anthony Mackie as a black patrolman and Michael Pena as a Hispanic flatfoot named Navidad. (Cringe.) 

Plot: O’Mara’s guys shoot the shit out of Cohen’s guys, who do the same back. Penn is comically spittle-tossing evil, his performance falls into hysterics. I laughed my ass off when a ridiculously dickensesque shoeshiner gets whacked. I gather director Ruben Fleischer (“Zombieland”) wasn’t going for giggles among the blood and rape. 

As Ness says, “You aren’t from Chicago.” Do not pretend. C

Men in Black 3 (2012)

All time travel plots defy logic: If you go back in time to kill Hitler as a child, the absence of an adult Hitler will negate the need to jump back, which means Hitler will rise. But we still love the idea, right? “Men in Black 3” adds a time travel trick hat to its black suits, ties and sunglasses, and the effort further tarnishes the first outing about top secret agents K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith) and a secret police force that patrols alien life on Earth. Here, an old nemesis of K’s jumps back to 1969 to kill him as part of an elaborate revenge tactic. In present day NYC, Agent K is dead 43 years, and only J inexplicably remembers him. So back J goes to save K. Ill-conceived from first frame to last, nothing makes sense, not even on the wide girth of a summer flick about aliens, ray guns, Andy Warhol, and moon prisons. The chemistry between Smith and Jones is shit, derailed by Jones’ pained disinterest. Huge props to Josh Brolin as a young K, nailing a TLJ impression so dead-on it deserves its own film, not this crap sequel. C+

Jonah Hex (2010)

Remember when bad comic book movies were ironically enjoyable? “Jonah Hex” –- a comic book western about a once-dead Civil War veteran (Josh Brolin) with half a charred face out to kill the men who slaughtered his family, whilst saving the U.S. of A. –- is all bad. It’s 80 minutes of dirty dusty deadly dull action edited by a Guillotine blade, witless dialogue and random pacing, with at least 20 minutes of repeated scenes and pointless dream sequences colored by the editors of "Highlights." Rumor mills say four directors and several more writers worked on “Hex.” The cracks show. The film is cursed. The idea is fascinating -– “The Outlaw Josey Wales” meets “Phantom of the Opera” meets Lazarus, a Civil War Batman on a horse. The payout is DOA. Brolin's Hex is a Clint Eastwood type who talks like Karl from “Sling Blade.” Meghan Fox plays a whore with such crap acting, it insults whores. The final nail: The most awkward exchange about slavery between a white man and a black man ever put to film. An ugly, nasty disaster. F

No County for Old Men (2007)

“No Country for Old Men” is top-notch, dark-hued Joel and Ethan Coen Whiskey, equal to “Miller’s Crossing” and “Blood Simple.” This thriller turned morality tale burns going down, with pulses of humor so dark, one feels guilty for laughing. It’s also a wild companion piece to “There Will Be Blood.” If that classic is about America’s twisted love of capitalism and religion, this tackles America’s love for killing.

Based on the Cormac McCarthy novel, “Country” follows three men: Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin), a Vietnam vet; Ed Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones), a Texas sheriff from a family of lawmen; and Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem), a near-silent killer with a ’70s Hulk hairdo and an obsession with fate. The film is one long chase, the prize being a satchel of money. The genius kick: Author and filmmakers don’t care about the chase or the money. As “Men” churns along, the graphic violence all but slips off screen, and a philosophical tone on morality takes over. Boring? Grow up. Cormac rips story-telling rules. Coens kill movie rules.

Jones gives a career-best performance, including a stellar monologue that refers to the 23rd Psalm, without mentioning God. That’s a McCarthy trademark. Barden is freaking amazing. I could ramble on for hours. I love this film. (The book is amazing.) I love the sound design (the unscrewed light bulb) and lack of music, and Kelly Macdonald’s stoic blast-of-truth housewife. Genius. A+

W. (2008)

Oliver Stone’s “W.” is a draft screenplay looking for a reason to exist. This portrait of George W. Bush (played by Josh Brolin) was released in theaters well before the 43rd president handed over the White House keys to Barack Obama. Why the rush? Rather than go bare-knuckle serious and deep as in “Nixon,” this desperate satire tosses stale “SNL” jokes at the audience, hoping for a giggle. The “humor” consists of Bush getting rat-fucked at a college party and later choking on a pretzel as the Prez. Stone has nothing substantial to say, and treats his title character as a dumb-struck audience member to his own life. The lame attempts at dream psychology are middle school at best. Shockers are the juice of Stone’s best work. Yet there are none here. Conspiracies about oil grabs, Bush marching to God’s drum, or Cheney’s plans for a world ruled by an all-powerful America, like Rome before Christ, are nothing new to anyone with a New Yorker subscription in 2006. Stone treats each revelation with hushed awe. I yawned. The cast is stellar, especially Richard Dreyfuss as a Cheney, and barely save the film. C-