Red 2 (2013)

The comic-book inspired “Red” from 2010 was an OK blast of time-waster fun, nothing special outside of the delicious sight of seeing classy senior citizens such as Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren blast off guns and canons alongside Action Man himself Bruce Willis. And it had an Ernest Borgnine cameo. “Red 2” is very much all the same, minus Freeman and (RIP) Borgnine, as a pack of retired CIA killers -– led by John Malkovich -– again run after some McGuffin device as a tarted-up, evil, faceless Big Brother agency chases after them, bouncing bullets and plane tickets for foreign lands back and forth. The sought-after item here is an untraceable bomb developed by the USA lost decades ago and now likely to fall into the hands of terrorists. Anthony Hopkins pops by, making for at least one delicious scene where he and Brian Cox face off. That’s movie geek glory as each man played Hannibal Lector. But that’s it. The rest is paint by numbers and stale jokes. Here’s one: Have you seen the gag about the once cool bad-ass macho man reduced to shopping at Costco just like any consumer? No?!? Well, here’s your chance. C+

Jonah Hex (2010)

Remember when bad comic book movies were ironically enjoyable? “Jonah Hex” –- a comic book western about a once-dead Civil War veteran (Josh Brolin) with half a charred face out to kill the men who slaughtered his family, whilst saving the U.S. of A. –- is all bad. It’s 80 minutes of dirty dusty deadly dull action edited by a Guillotine blade, witless dialogue and random pacing, with at least 20 minutes of repeated scenes and pointless dream sequences colored by the editors of "Highlights." Rumor mills say four directors and several more writers worked on “Hex.” The cracks show. The film is cursed. The idea is fascinating -– “The Outlaw Josey Wales” meets “Phantom of the Opera” meets Lazarus, a Civil War Batman on a horse. The payout is DOA. Brolin's Hex is a Clint Eastwood type who talks like Karl from “Sling Blade.” Meghan Fox plays a whore with such crap acting, it insults whores. The final nail: The most awkward exchange about slavery between a white man and a black man ever put to film. An ugly, nasty disaster. F

Burn After Reading (2008)

"Burn After Reading" is another of the Coen Brother's pitch-dark comedies tinged with Hitchcock drama and brutal violence. One of the DVD Q-and-A features with Joel and Ethan Coen hits the nail on the head plot wise: "Burn" is their version of an "Enemy of the State" genre flick, without the explosions. Or hero.

John Malkovich stars as Oswald Cox, a CIA analyst with a drinking problem and anger management issues who quits his job after being demoted for having a drinking problem and blasting his superiors with an "F"-word-fueled rant that is hilarious. (Does anyone say that word better?) Oz seeks revenge by writing his memoirs, an act that has his cold-as-ice wife (Tilda Swinton) laughing and seeking a divorce.

Soon a CD containing material for the memoir ends up on the floor of a D.C. gym, and then in the hands of two bumbling gym employees (Brad Pitt and Coens regular Frances McDormand) who smell money in a blackmail scheme. Thrown into the mix is George Clooney as a married Treasury officer who's sleeping with Swinton's ice princess, McDormand's sad sack and a host of other women. Dry as ash J.K. Simmons has a priceless, but brief, role as a CIA head honcho bewildered as these inept characters cross and re-cross paths, spilling reams of dark comedy and a good bit of blood along the way.

"Burn" lacks the high-stakes drama of the similarly dark and multi-tiered "Fargo," but it's a blast of witty dialogue and satire, knocking the self-absorption and pure idiocy of Americans (or anyone, really) who feel they deserve and ought to have a better life. The beauty of the film lies in the Coens' insistence of not showing every detail: Much of the hoopla involving the disk is left off screen, and anyone hoping for a final shootout and tall-standing hero will be disappointed.

The cast is clearly having a blast, especially Clooney and Pitt, who share the screen for a nasty split-second spin on a vital scene from David Lynch's "Blue Velvet." Some critics have made hay over perceived sexism in the film, but that's bunk. Yes, the women are cold, or selfish and foolish, but nearly every male is as well. The film has one true person to root for, the kind gym manager played by Richard Jenkins who loves McDormand's character. Alas, this is Coen Territory. Hearts are more than broken. B+