Pixels (2015)

“Pixels” has a ridiculously great premise that vibes perfect 1980s action/comedy: Aliens attack Earth using as weapons massive “live” incarnations of Atari’s best video games: Pac-Man, Centipede, Tetris, etc. Damn the result. Look, Director Chris Columbus (“Harry Potter” 1 and 2) handles the big VFX scenes with polish: Pac-Man tearing through NYC is too cool and when a soldier is de-pixelated, it scares like classic “Doctor Who." But away from the action, Pixels dies. A dead-eyed Adam Sandler plays an ex-arcade-child-king now miserable, but still chummy with his dork childhood pal (boring Kevin James), now the worst U.S. president ever. Assholes, both. A big joke: Sandler insults a White House intern by calling him “Blue Lagoon.” Because the guy has curly blond hair. I sat blinking. How old is that joke? Sandler and James blunder their way into saving Earth. This Earth doesn't deserve it. The trailer promised a celebration of us 1980s gamers. The movie flogs us as infants incapable of adult decisions. Like hygiene. Or parenting. Fuck every person involved. Last miserable kick: The sexism astounds. When another arcade dork (Josh Gad) sees his dream woman come to life, she cannot speak. Only smile and obey. Offensive. C-

Zookeeper (2011)

See Kevin James. See Kevin James play Kevin James-ish fool with romantic woes. See Kevin James talk to the animals. See Kevin James take a gorilla on a man date to TGI Fridays. Hear Nick Nolte voice said gorilla. See “Zookeeper.” Or not. Look, James vibes as the nicest guy in the world, a heart of gold and a grand man. I shall not malign him. But this romantic-comedy/talking-animals film, starring James, is shit. When Adam Sandler playing a monkey extols the virtues of flinging poop at the one you love, I got what he meant. He’s been doing to his audience for years. Sandler produces. James stars. Rosario Dawson looks sad. The opening gag is funny. James’ personality shines. But, duck, the shit is flying. And it stinks. Do better, Kevin James, do better. D+

Paul Blart: Mall Cop (2009)

“Paul Blart: Mall Cop” made $150 million at the box office in early 2009. Is America that bored? Kevin James stars as the fat hypoglycemic title character who desperately wishes to be a Jersey cop, but can barely stumble though a day at the mall without getting his ass kicked by a laaarge woman. (Every joke focuses on fat.) When gun-toting thieves take over the mall, Blart must grow a spine and save the day, even if it means eating a lollipop off the floor. “Die Hard” was funnier. Like its hero, the movie faints into embarrassing hypoglycemic sugar-starved fits for long periods of its 90-minute running time. Unlike the man, the movie never recovers. C