Iron Man 3 (2013)

SPOILERS ABOUND because I cannot do the out-of-left-field “Iron Man 3” justice without spilling its secrets like the myriad flying, not-quite-controllable bits of Iron Man armor that plague our hero Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) in this first-post-“Avengers” Marvel film. Nor can I stick to my 200-word count. (I really, really, truly tried.)

Upfront: Director/cowriter Shane Black steers this sequel to a sequel toward the “Lethal Weapon” thrillers that made him famous as a writer. Genius move. He finds every excuse to get Stark out of the tin suit and load him with MacGyver-like weapons, running alongside Don Cheadle as military man Jim Rhodes, to attack the villain’s glitzy Miami chateau and then go after a cargo pier at the finale. The ghosts of Riggs and Murtaugh hover close, as does Black’s directorial debut “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang,” which starred Downey post-rehab/ prison/near-career-death. 

We only think mastermind terrorist named Mandarin (Ben Kingsely), one of Marvel’s most infamously racist creations, is the villain. Trusting the marketing and trailers. In truth, the dude’s a two-bit actor downed by drugs, working for a sun-tanned rich guy (Guy Pearce) who Tony once did wrong. 

The characters are metas, off-screen and on, Kingley’s loser the What if Downey?, while Pearce’s evil CEO is the What If Tony Stark? If neither had not “become” Iron Man. The stunt also takes the character down a peg, what can Marvel do? Complain their anti-Chinese boogeyman 1-D stick figure was not played accurate? 

The movie -– like the clap-trap maze of cranes at that finale -– is a Rube Goldberg machine of asides and homages, including 1980s “child sidekick” flicks, peppered with kick-ass action and a full tear-down of the franchise. Indeed this ends with Downey throwing the ball at Marvel and saying, “You’re move.” Cast iron balls he has. 

The plot is a wiry mess, and Pearce’s scientist lacks motive and focus. Never mind Rebecca Hall as another scientist with a quarter personality, and less screen time. These are moot complaints for all eyes are on Downey. He is Iron Man. Lest we, or Marvel, ever forget. B+

Marvel’s The Avengers (2012)

It all leads up to this, “The Avengers.” Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, assembled in one massive movie, based on the must-read comic book that tied together the vast Marvel Universe like the quickest game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, month after month for decades. And still going strong, print-wise. Cinema-wise, after “Iron Man” 1 and 2, two “Hulk” movies (one in 2003 now disowned, the other in 2008 grudgingly accepted), “Thor” and “Captain America,” we now have the comic book movie of the year. 

Sorry, “Dark Knight Rises.” (For now.)

The Avengers is an unlikely team of super heroes: Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Hawkeye and Black Widow, joined by SHIELD Agent Nick Fury in one massive film. (Classic B-side comic book characters such as Ant-Man and Wasp must wait for a sequel I guess.) The plot follows the book’s lead: The team fights intergalactic threats, a power-mad super villain, and/or more likely each other or another Marvel hero, Iron Man vs. Thor, Wolverine vs. Hulk, or everyone vs. Hulk. Those later fights were more exciting than any run-of-the-mill story of hero against villain, on the page. Who to root for? 

Does the “Avengers” movie live up to the years of hype? Never could. I dreamed about this movie all the childhood, and it’s a work of pop-art summer flick beauty for a boy who got himself happily lost inside three-color panels and myriad crossover cliffhangers for much of his childhood. It contains the single greatest ripped-from-a-comic-book-scene ever on film: The Hulk smashes a villain around as if he were a sock monkey, and drops a one-liner as he walks off, satisfied with his big, green, angry self. Cheer!

But that comes at the end, and I need to start at the beginning: We open in space – evil mumbling abound about the destruction of Earth, by a freakish, hooded alien of some sort. Loki – the villainous brother of Thor, both the hero and the namesake 2011 film, played by Tom Hiddleston – is to lead the charge. He zaps to Earth through a portal that opens at the headquarters of the super-secret spy group SHIELD, the latter tinkering with a glowing blue Cosmic Cube thingy that promises unlimited energy. (Confused? You have not watched the earlier films. Go back to start.) Loki wreaks havoc, taking prisoners and under-mining the Mo-Fo that is Fury (Samuel L. Jackson). 

The first 20 minutes is all SHIELD, an odd introduction, but director/ screenwriter Joss Whedon (TV’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Firefly”) is easing us into this massive universe, bringing in his team one member at a time. We hop from America to Germany then to a massive floating aircraft carrier (straight out of the comic books) and then to New York City for a 40-odd minute battle finale, complete with massive creatures reminiscent of the sandworms in “Dune,” floating above the skyline. 

So, yes, it’s a Michael Bay “Transformers” finale with smashed buildings and fleeing extras, but Whedon whets our appetites (mine anyway) with long shots of the heroes, standing in a circle, backs to each other, ready to fight, and every hero -– even the relatively unexplored Hawkeye and Black Widow – gets a shining moment. Captain America, in the middle of the battle, takes charge of the team as the only man with real-war experience. Iron Man blasts his way through canyons of skyscrapers. 

Then there’s that beaut scene with Hulk and sock monkey Loki. It’s everything you want in a comic book, outlandish action with wit as Loki lays hyper-ventilating and thinks, “What am I doing?” It’s a stellar Whedon moment, and one of many surprises, including the strong touches of humor (Harry Dean Stanton as a security guard) and sad (a major character dies, but he’s not that major). 

The real Whedon coup, though, is fitting all these heroes and actors into one film and making it work – Chris Evans as Captain, Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner/Hulk. Major names mixed in with minor names, and of course Downey rules the roost with his Tony Stark strut and outsize ego, but Ruffalo uses nerdy charm to win scene after scene. When minor-league Evans -- he can’t compete with Oscar nominees -– steps up to the plate to take over the team, we’re cheering for the actor as much as we are the character. 

I never thought a live-action film of the Avengers could be pulled off, but Whedon has done it. It’s not perfect -- that plot is weak, in case you didn't notice, Loki’s lizard baddies are faceless and void of personality, but Downey’s Stark can drop a shawarma reference out of the blue, and make it sing. Comic book love. If “Dark Knight Rises” threatens to lean too far to tragic importance, “Avengers” is bright, bold fun, with the inner-fights of heroes, and their coming together against a world threat a reminder of the best of all humanity. So, in the sequel, Vision please! Confused? Go back to the comic books. And as Stan Lee always said, “Exclsior!” A-

Cowboys and Aliens (2011)

Yes, there are cowboys and aliens in “Cowboys & Aliens,” and also Native Americans, too, but that would have been one awkward title, right? “Cowboys & Indians & Aliens”? Movie posters and trailers for this western sci-fi mash-up have teased filmgoers for more than a year, luring us in with the wild idea of James Bond and Indiana Jones/Han Solo on horses blasting six-shooters at alien aircraft that would make Will Smith gawk and run back to Bel-Air.

Having now seen the film, I realize that’s all director John Favreau, his army (five! seven! more? I lost count) of screenwriters, and exec producers Ron Howard and Steven Spielberg had. An idea. Not much else. The movie is fun … kind of, a darkly serious and violent western that begins no different than, say, “High Plains Drifter” or “Rio Bravo.” We have the lone silent hero (Daniel Craig) who stumbles into town, gets himself knee deep in horse poop and ends up in jail. Then the bad guys attack and, oh my spoiler, Mr. Silent turns out to be Mr. Savior. You have seen this before, no? Harrison Ford plays a cattle boss named Dolarhyde, and with a name like that, you know he’s not passing out flowers.

So, yes, the aliens cause shit, lasso people up in the air with metallic wires, and fly off. And Craig’s Man with No Name and Ford’s Dolarhyde must pony up and save the day. The Native Americans come in later. I didn’t get any of their names as the characters are played almost painfully stereotypical. See, decades back, Native Americans were portrayed as savages. Ever since “Dances with Wolves,” Native Americans have been made so damn painfully proud and peaceful, one almost forgets they had a right to be pissed and violent – they were being slaughtered left and right by Europeans after all. That whole historic America was founded as a Christian nation thing that Republicans sell. If Jesus were a land-grabbing genocidal maniac.

Favreau dishes out some cool battles as alien aircraft blitzkrieg men on horses, with the latter being blown into bits in the air, and it all ends in an attack the (alien) fort climax, but none of it sticks. I’m 90 minutes past film’s end as I write this and it’s drifting from memory. There’s no kick, satire or mind screwy emotional power that made “District 9” one of the great surprise films of the past five years, nor is there a CGI effect that wows from eyes to the brain to the soul as did “Avatar.” Heck, check out the 1986 classic “Aliens.” That is a space western.

Planned and written by Hollywood committee, the movie seems to just think the very plot pitch of men named Craig and Ford on horses fighting bad-ass E.T.s is enough to win us over. Sorry. Craig is all glare and slow burn. He makes a damn good and dangerous cowboy – he lords over the rest of the cast. Alas, Ford’s town Thug King is a wash. Just as the character is getting good and bloody nasty, evil even, director and writers suddenly fold and make the guy all grand pop mushy, misunderstood and, well, boring. I bet Ford enjoyed playing the early portions.

Olivia Wilde (TV’s “House”) plays one of the few women on screen – seriously, there must have been a lot of gay cowboys out in this West – and must carry a character so bizarrely left-field, I never bought it. No one in the audience did, either. Laughs abounded. Not kind ones. She listlessly has to carry lines such as, “Don’t look into the light,” I immediately thought of that lady in “Poltergeist.” You know the one, the short woman with red hair. She’d have kicked this film up a notch. It does not help that Ms. Wilde appears as if she has returned from a spa. Her skin and hair are flawless. In 1890s desert. That’s more farfetched than gooey aliens killing hapless cowpokes.

For the record, the idea of cowboys shooting it out with aliens isn’t new, comic books were doing it when my father was a teen and a 1994 cheap flick called “Oblivion” have been there done that. That film was a hoot, a silly toss-off that cost less than the catering budget on “Cowboys & Aliens.” I giggled and cheered the thing as I watched it on a video rental. It’s set in an alternate American future-past and had a far more clever and outlandish plot. You’ll cry from laughter.

This isn’t a bad flick, not by far. An upside down riverboat casino in the Western desert is a brilliant set and design piece. Sam Rockwell entertains as a saloon owner named “Doc.” But when I and my wife walk out at the end of a film that has cowboys, aliens, Indians, spaceships, horses, the guy who directed “Iron Man,” James Bond and Indiana Jones slash Han Solo, and all we can talk about it is how cute the heroic dog was, then, buddy, the burnt coffee and crispy cows on screen ain’t the only thing stinking. (P.S. This is “The Godfather” compared to “Wild, Wild West,” a movie that almost killed a genre and Will Smith’s career. How’s that for a wrap around to the lede?) B-

Iron Man 2 (2010)

“Iron Man 2” is not as good as the 2008 installment that made one of my favorite childhood superheroes -- a second-tier Marvel character -- a household name across America and put Robert Downey Jr. back on top of the “A” list. Let’s face it, sequels always toss in innumerable side characters to expand the plot, rarely cover new ground and, generally, feel like an after party. This falls into the same traps: The combination of Mickey Rourke as psycho-villain Whiplash and Sam Rockwell as evil industrialist Justin Hammer are potent, but not nearly as grounded or menacing as Jeff Bridges’ lone bad guy in film one. Bridges rules. Also, the story is ... smoke.

Here’s the gist: Self-appointed superhero Tony Stark (Downey) as Iron Man has pushed the world toward peace, he’s adored in America and overseas, has women falling at his feet, and … has an out-of-control ego bigger than the BP oil catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico. He’s also drinking heavily, and watching his power-battery chest apparatus poison his blood. Oh, and the happy American military government? It wants the suit. Helmet to boots.

Then there’s Russian baddie Ivan Vanko/Whiplash, who nurses a long-held family drudge against Stark, plus Hammer, a snarky, nerdy Stark-wannabe who covets being the Pentagon’s pet supplier. Also on deck: federal agent Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson); the femme fatale named Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson); best pal Jim Rhodes (Don Cheadle, taking over for Terrance Howard) who becomes the second Iron Man; love interest Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow); and less-than-subtle hints to fellow superheroes Captain America and Thor. This is one packed house. Frat party style.

Despite thinking I want that damn name chart from "Shutter Island," to track all this, not much actually happens. This is a film of scenes, rather than plot or story. Thankfully there’s plenty of action, including a knock-out fight scene between our Iron Men, Black Widow wiping out a small army of tough guys, and then a closing battle in the old World Science Fair Park. That final fight stops just short of CGI overload. But only by inches. It doesn’t hit the high-note of the first film’s showdown. Is it the replacement of Howard by Cheadle? The lack of Bridges’ presence? I don’t know.

What pushes “Iron Man 2” into silver (not gold) territory is the dialogue. The patter and off-the-cuff remarks are so pure, they seem made up on the spot. Take this line from Rockwell describing a terrible self-built bomb: “If it were any smarter, it'd write a book. A book that would make 'Ulysses' look like it was written in crayon ... It's completely elegant, it's bafflingly beautiful, and it's capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it 'The Ex-Wife.'" If it’s too clever, then fine, I’ll take it.

Yes, the armor nor the story isn’t as strong this second visit, but I’m game for “Iron Man 3.” And "The Avengers"? Ohh, man. Can't wait. Hey, I'm a herd. I have standards. But I am a nerd. B