Funny People (2009) and Grown-Ups (2010)

One weekend, two Adam Sandler movies. I was bored. Foolish. I want my five hours back.

First I watched “Funny People” on DVD. In writer/director Judd Apatow’s comedy/drama, Sandler plays George Simmons, a comedian amazingly similar to the former Operaman, who learns that he is dying of a rare blood disease. Star of dumb comedy blockbusters, Simmons goes way dark, appearing at stand-up clubs, denouncing life and singing, “You won’t have me forever.” Seth Rogen co-stars as a low-level comedian who lands a job as Simmons’ assistant and joke writer. A mostly decent guy, Rogen becomes Simmons’ conscious, an overweight, curly-haired Jiminy Cricket, if you will.

Yes, Apatow and Sandler go dramatic and spell out the unfunny side of comedy, but they fear the real dark side of a dying man. Simmons obviously uses comedy as a cover, but he never lets that cover down. He never truly rages or weeps. Vomit scenes are handled with kid’s gloves. At the halfway mark, fortunes are reversed and as Simmons recovers, the film goes to hell, and then drags on for an hour more.

“Funny” is an uneven mess, with far too many extraneous characters and stories. (Jonah Hill, please go away. Please.) The movie obviously was inspired by Warren Zevon’s stellar 2003 album “The Wind,” made as the genius musician was dying. The record is directly referenced in one of the movie’s strongest and funniest scenes as Rogen’s well-meaning fool makes a playlist to encourage Simmons. It includes the tear-jerker “Keep Me in Your Heart.” Simmons gets furious. More of that humor, please, less dick jokes.

Apatow (“The 40-Year-Old Virgin") is a man in need of an editor. “Funny” rings in at freakin’ 2 hours and 30 minutes. Roughly 50 minutes too long. The best comedies, such as “Young Frankenstein,” know exactly when to quit. I’ve yet to see an Apatow film where I didn’t start checking my watch, thinking about laundry or staining the deck, and beg for an end. His, mine, anyone’s. C

Now here I really went wrong. I -– in a state of “must find some place to go with air-conditioning” -– saw “Grown-Ups” as a way to maybe get a laugh. Blow off a slow, hot Sunday. I should have stained the deck. In the tradition of family summer comedies such as “The Great Outdoors,” Sandler and several “SNL” alums – David Spade, Rob Schneider and Chris Rock – play childhood BFFs who reunite for a funeral and rent a favorite cabin for the July 4 weekend. Kevin James takes on the role seemingly made for Chris Farley. And that’s one reason why this weak comedy doesn’t even muster a pulse rate beyond 10 bpm. Every damn actor plays the same damn role they have done so for 15 years. It’s deadly boring.

Sandler is the successful goodhearted man’s man. Schneider is the dweeb freak. Spade is the redneck pervert. Rock … hell, I don’t know what he is doing, but he looks so dull-eyed, I wasn't sure he was awake. James plays the kind, fat klutz with a hot wife. A daring role, no? The actors have a great kinship, and they interact as if they were childhood best friends who regret not having seen each other for years. But I desperately wished for anything interesting to happen, a spark of the early-1990s “SNL.” Remember when Sandler would milk an outlandish routine to crack a fellow cast member up, on stage, live on TV? That’s gone. Everyone here is running on fumes. Nothing more. Pee jokes are the tops.

Every good laugh was killed in the trailer. OK. I laughed out loud once. The wife (Maria Bella) of James’ character breastfeeds her 4-year-old son. The other characters stare, wide-eyed. I remember once visiting a friend of a friend, years back, and she whipped out her breast when her 3-plus-year-old son came to her and said, “Meelk, mommy.” One of the oddest moments of my life. This cracked me up.

What else is there to pick apart? Salma Hayek plays Sandler’s wife, a wildly successful fashion designer who realizes her life’s work/passion is too much work and passion, and she must trash it all to keep her hubby and kids happy. The guilty mother? Really. As with the film, this sexist – and mean – cliché was tired in 1995. Welcome to 2010, guys. I mean, take a look at Sarah Palin. Love or hate her, and I detest her Bible-thumping conservatism, but she’s more of a woman than anyone involved here has ever met. D+