The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (2012)

Yes, I watched. Yes, I hate myself for watching.

Let me beam brief pride before I serve raging scorn: “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part II” finally gives us something we have not seen yet seen in this supernatural romance franchise about a young woman torn between moody, control-freak vampire boyfriend (now husband) and moody, control-freak BFF werewolf: Bella (Kristen Stewart) at last forms a personality of her own and the initiative to take action on her own. Finally.

Disclaimer: Bella is dead. She is now a full vampire. So, never mind pride. Lady has a backbone, no pulse. She’s still at home, still controlled. She has to die to get freedom. 

Misogynist.

This last chapter of a two-part flick follows Bella and that vampire soul mate Edward (Robert Pattinson) as they protect their infant child Renesmee from evil vampire overlords who want the young girl dead, lest she turn monstrous. Renesemee is half-human, though, so not a danger, but not quite normal. Her age is a speed train, going to toddler in mere days, and grade schooler within months. She can fly. Read minds. (I guess she can join the “X-Men” movies?) 

Protecting the child from ritual murder is of such importance that Jacob’s werewolf family is willing to put aside its long regional war with Edward’s family and fight alongside them. 

Why? Love! 

But an intermission: See, this flick is still based on Morman conservative Stephanie Meyer’s novels, a woman whose overall view on females have vexed me for years. She writes submissive women, the kind who like to take abuse, and appreciate it, thrive off it. Men control. Women obey. No shades of gray. Meyer must hate being a woman.

In an earlier film, Edward visited Bella on the eve of their wedding, I guess to make sure she behaves, or because he loves her that much … who knows? Jacob once told Bell, “If I can’t have you, no one will.” Bella smiled. Romance, huh? Anti-woman. Meyer’s world.

(Myers’ “The Host” is worse, with a female hero who falls deeper in love with her man after he punches her in the face. Another beau prefers strangulation. Get the theme?) 

I bristled and stewed in those previous movies, but not to the point of turning off the film and walking away in disgust. I did here. I saw it coming, too. 

The scene: Twenty-something wolfman Jacob (Taylor Lautner) stands by Edward near movie’s end and -– referring to the 9-ish Renesmee, a child –- says, “Shall I start calling you dad?” The scene’s a joke. Get it? No? See the 20-year-old Jacob is in love with the little girl and wants to marry her. He wants her body. He thinks about it. Really.

It’s not his fault. It just happened! She imprinted on him, whatever the fuck that means. Actually it means the little girl came onto him, the No. 1 defense of every sick-ass child molester out there. Look it up. I covered crime and this shit as a reporter, and heard it in court. There is no mystery here. Meyer is into child sex and likely was abused. Often.

(My response to any defense that Jacob-Renesemee’s love is platonic/chivalric now and only will grow later into sensual love: No. Director Bill Condon calling the love brotherly-sisterly … does not help. Liar. Even Lautner apparently hated the material, so he says.) 

Sure Bella gets rightly angry when she first hears of this hook up, she goes after Jacob, but, hey, she’s eventually submissive again, them men tell her heel and she does, and this is Myers, and by the climax, Bella is ready to send off child daughter to live with the man of her destiny, her protector, in secret. A true Meyer woman. 

Hell with this. Hell with it. I hate this film. And every message of submission. Child sexual abuse. Prepping girl brides for marriage to older men. None of this is an accident.

As I write, I fume again, I’ll quit. So, yes, the clean camera work by cinematographer Guillermo Navarro stuns, the best work of the franchise, and near any film in 2012. I also had a riotous laugh fest with a long battle royale near the film’s end which is neither a battle, nor a royale, as good guys and bad guys literally rip off each other’s heads in some not-semi-serious fashion that recalls Monty Python at its daftest. It’s really awful. 

Fitting. Heads should roll for this ugly, offensive series of films. This is vile shit, upping child molesters, making controlling abusive men romantic. I cannot believe I watched. The most dmaging to women and children Hollywood franchise ever made, and every film a hit. Maybe it America goes all right-wing, Bible-thumper, it will be more popular. F

The Host (2013)

Leave it to “Twilight” writer Stephanie Meyer to create an aliens-take-over-the-world drama involving a vapid teen girl torn between two boys who –- I kid you not -– at different points choke and punch her. That’s “The Host.” Much like the creepy romance of “Twilight.” The story: All of humanity has been body-snatched by glowing alien crawfish that plunder one’s consciousness, rendering people thoughtless puppets. Melanie (Saoirse Ronan) -– our “heroine” -- is thus soul-sucked, but her urge to rejoin kin/fellow resistance fighters is so strong, she rebels inside her own head. This leads to Ronan endlessly and out loud debating her own voice-over, resulting in our alternating cringing and laughing. The girl(s) finds her tribe-like people, including two interchangeable guys who -– as I said -– thump her. Why? Melanie is now untrustworthy. The Meyer trick: Human Melanie and Crawfish Melanie are each in love with one of the guys. Neither ever considers, “Wow, these assholes hit women. I’m out.” Meyer. Director Andrew Niccol has done better future sci-fi with “Gattaca,” and Ronan rocked in “Atonement” and “Hanna.” Her irises glowing like “Tron” discs and reciting drivel, she evaporates here. The “months later” epilogue feels all too true. D-

Snow White and the Huntsmen (2012)

Irony has a queen: “Twilight” Sulk Queen Kristen Stewart plays a woman more fare than Charlize Theron in “Snow White and The Huntsman.” The former is, of course, the orphaned princess whose life is ruined by her evil step-momma (Theron). This version skews toward horror with director Rupert Sanders laying on the foreboding atmosphere thick as Tim Burton in “Sleepy Hollow,” before it jumps into a WTF war film of castle storming. Snow White as Aragorn? Yep. Every time my cinematic soul jumped at a great visual or beloved actor –- Bob Hoskins! –- it was dashed by the banality of ripped ideas from other movies. A beefcake love triangle for our heroine, with the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) versus a prince (Sam Clafin) begs the question: Who thought that was a good idea? Neither man sparkles in sunlight. Theron oozes darkest evil, roaring over everyone as a sickly twisted feminist from hell. Best bit: The magic mirror on the wall is merely a warped delusion of her sick mind. Stewart is uninspiring and flat, her suddenly-a-bad-ass-warrior let’s-kick-ass “Braveheart” speech is a snicker. The second Snow White dud of 2012. C-

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 (2011)

It’s too easy to pick on the “Twilight” films. What started out as an entertaining supernatural romantic fantasy for teenagers in 2008 quickly grew boring, trite, and, I can’t say this enough, cringingly anti-woman as we follow a Washington state high school girl (Kristen Stewart as Bella) fall enthralled to her century-old-stuck-as-a-teenager vampire fiance (Robert Pattinson as Edward) and yet remain mooned over –- literally –- by her werewolf best friend (Taylor Lautner as Jacob). 

The whole scenario is utterly ridiculous, but that’s fantasy, right? The screw? At every turn, and evermore increasingly here, Bella becomes less of a full-fledged intelligent human being that happens to be a woman, than a near mindless submissive girl robot. (Is there anything more ... boring?) She has absolutely no plan, thought, or choice outside of her devotion to her dreamy fang man, and ensuring his happiness. I mean, can she hold a job? I’m not certain. Bet she can vacuum. Bella might be the flattest main female character of a major Hollywood franchise ever put to film. Bella is the anti-Ripley.

This overlong film adapts the fourth book in the series, and only part of it as the studio knows how to ring a few more million dollars from smitten fans known as Twi-Hards. Here, Bella is 18 and ready to marry Edward for he won’t do the deed until they are wed, old-fashioned values and all, and she wants to do the deed. And become like him, a vampire. (That’s commitment.) They do marry, and director Bill Condon (“Gods and Monsters”) stages the wedding with romantic delirium –- forest, leaves, amazing dresses and tuxes that would make any romantic swoon, and there is camera work to die for. (That’s the great Guillermo Navarro as Director of Photography. He shot “Pan’s Labyrinth.”)

Condon and his writers then take us on the only-in-a-movie fantasy honeymoon in South America, on a private island, and there the trouble begins. Eddie -– can I call him that? -- is concerned he’ll hurt Bella during sex with his super-vampire strength, but she’s OK with getting hurt, up to the point where she becomes pregnant. Abnormally “Rosemary’s Baby” pregnant. For her love of Edward, Bella commits to baby, much to his woe, and the anger of Jacob, who, like Bruce Banner, is always angry.

By now ridiculing a “Twilight” movie equals crushing a 14-year-old girl’s spirit because she talks too much on the telephone with her friends. The movies are silly romance popcorn entertainment. I get it. And teenage girls like to talk on the phone. Some things cannot be changed. They are what they are. So, I went for comedy at this viewing, from the way Pattinson can’t hide his contempt for the material that is below him, to the way Lautner makes looking angry so painfully hilarious, and a scene in which Lautner and his extended family carry on a full-blown scream-fest squabble as werewolves, making for the worst voice-over live-action scene I can recall seeing in a Hollywood film of the modern era. 

I will say this, “Part 1” is splendidly art-directed. Toward the film’s end, as Edward’s vampire family prepares to square off for full-on CGI/wirework war against Jacob’s werewolf family, at the former’s house, all for the life of Bella and her Vambaby, I just loved the “Architecture Design” look of it all. The massive windows looking out into the endless trees. Drama? Pfft. This is a family that, facing attack, leaves their glass doors wide open. Military strategy? The family fails. Home buying? Absolute genius. 

Not genius, not by a long shot, is the arc of Bella’s story. Maybe I never will. I have griped before about Bella’s absolute lack of any life interest or counsel, and the befuddlement only continues here. She spends her pre-wedding night alone, except for a visit by Edward, who I suppose is only checking in on her. Control is so romantic. Almost stereotypical to a bad 1800s marriage, he has friends to celebrate with. She? None. Zip. Zero. Bella’s only friends, helping her along the way to the big day and the baby crisis are Edward’s family, his “sisters.” Her pop, her mom, all are kept at least at arm’s length, if not a few thousand miles apart. (At least the father is concerned. By telephone.)

Actually, sorry there’s one. Jacob, the heartbroken, mooning werewolf guy who shows up at Bella’s wedding and yo-yos from all smiles and hugs to throwing the girl around, violently shaking her, and screaming all within mere seconds. Luckily, ol’ Eddie is there to save her. He’s always there. I suppose we should all be thankful he is such a nice guy.

I keep wanting Bella’s policeman father to come in and get her out. Or, actually, for Bella to finally walk out on her own, wake up and save herself. Take up industrial engineering. Ride a bike cross country. Apply to, I don’t know, college, even community college. The last scene proves me wrong again. She remains ever flat and in love. And, I get it, or not, it is all fantasy, supernatural romantic fantasy. Not real at all. C-

The Hunger Games (2012) and Battle Royale (2000)

Suzanne Collins’ “The Hunger Games” trilogy stirs up the ultimate taboo as its selling points: Children, forced by an Orwel government, hunt and kill each other in a techno-possible “Most Dangerous Game” scenario. Until only one remains. Crazy scary.

The first book adaptation is solid, for the most part. The story: In the ruins of what was once America, now Panem, Appalachian-bred teen Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) illegally hunts to feed her coal-miner family alive, with dad dead and no brother around. When her tween sister is drafted to participate in the nation’s Hunger Games –- the Richard Connell challenge -–Katniss volunteers to take the suicide mission, partnered with a local baker’s son (Josh Hutcherson). At the Capital City -– think the most vile capitalist dreamscape, with bad hair color –- the public awaits its entertainment, with Donald Sutherland as ruler and Wes Bentley (“American Beauty”) as game master. 

Director Gary Ross and his writers nail the horrors of the children murdering children, without going overboard. A split decision, as maybe going overboard is needed? The film exceeds its PG-13. Why not go mall the way? Further limits: The screenplay skimps on some emotions and deeper threads found in the book, mostly on dead dad, which damages dampens the drama in a major way. But, tech geek “Wired”-wise,  Ross smartly takes us behind the scenes of the games, to show the techno-marvel perversion of these Apple on crack fascists, with no small nod to America’s past use of The Draft to send teenagers out to die for God, country, mom, apple pie, and a stronger stock market. 

Sutherland grins hungry with Cheney-esque malice and sleaze, but this is Lawrence’s film. The “Winter’s Bone” star kills here, starved and scared, yet strong, and she refuses to be identified by any label other than “sister,” and it’s a joy to watch -– especially in light of “Twilight,” which shot on young women as slaves to the men in their lives. Fuck that.

Amazing imagery abounds: None better than a young black girl, mortally wounded, lying in Katniss’ arms, bleeding out as Primrose -– that baby sister –- would have. The scene hurts as much as it did off the page. A rare trick that. That moment, one knows the Oscar nom Lawrence received for “Bone” is no fluke. B+

If you’re in the mood for a grisly double feature about children killing other children, again for sport, then you must see the infamous, “Battle Royale.” But it’s a dare. The gore.violence in this Japanese flick remains so intense, it was banned for a decade in many countries, and only now just received a DVD release stateside. It is a must watch, but not for anyone young or sensitive: The bloodletting of youth here may never be surpassed.

We’re in Japan, a future (now our past) where the world economy has collapsed, jobs are vapor, and a twin devil of anarchy and uncertainty reigns. Sound familiar? To reel in the run-amok youth, the government takes one class of students each year, kidnaps them, puts them on an island, and ticks off with ESPN clarity the bloody carnage and body count. 

“Royale” also was based on a controversial book, and many believe it actually inspired Collins’ books, with her as a copycat. The game master (Takeshi Kitano) here is a former principal with an ax to grind, and he viciously slays two students before the “games” even begin. The urvivors are then given a weapon, survival gear, and orders -– kill or be killed. 

If the youth refuse their homicidal orders, an explosive collar around their neck detonates. Sick. Right? Further sickness: The children here, though, all hail from the same class, and harbor friendships, crushes, parental friends, and festered hates. Actors Tatsuya Fujiwara and Aki Maeda are the lovebirds, while Chiaki Kuriyama -– she later played a psychopath in “Kill Bill” -– is the girl who sees the kill island as new inspiration. 

This is twisted stuff and director Kinji Fukasaku pulls no punches with violence that borders on unwatchable, and kills loved characters with no mercy. This film cannot be interrupted as celebrating violence, each death is more heinous than the last, and as the film draws on, the flashbacks and dreamy asides flesh out the characters onscreen, even if some scenes cross far too fantastical or too sentimental. (Note: I watched an extended director’s cut, the original may not have some of these scenes.)  

“Royale” has its own faults: The teens coo having never heard of this TV run-a-mok, even though the opening scene shows the games are required viewing of all citizens. Amnesia? Denial? Hell, no ... despite denials ... maybe the Collins took her ideas from here after all… A-

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Bella still can’t catch a break in “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.” The girl (Kristen Stewart) loves the glittery vampire (Robert Pattinson) with 1980s hair, but jealous werewolf boy (Taylor Lautner) is always lurking about. What’s a girl to do? This is the third chapter in the series, and it’s much of the same: Some evil vampire clan is out for Bella’s blood and she needs saving by her suitors, who are more than willing to oblige. Saving means controlling. Vampire guy rips engine cables out of Bella’s truck so she can’t drive anywhere. Werewolf guy dishes “romantic” one-liners that basically translate as “If I can‘t have you, no one will.” Both guys talk stalker, but are treated as heartthrobs. Creepily anti-woman, and from a woman's pen no less. “Eclipse” does score points with well-played, literal head-cracking vampire fights. Director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”) gives the action real blood, so to speak, but can’t lift the banal dialogue and wooden acting above unintended howls. When the two guys compare their own hotness, it plays like a bad spoof of “Brokeback Mountain.” C-

The Young Victoria (2009)

Mega-hit “New Moon” had a sullen teenage heroine with zip spine and life interests outside of boys. Not so “The Young Victoria.” Raised as a prisoner inside her royal “don’t touch” estate, Victoria (Emily Blunt) is named queen of England in the middle of the night, before she’s 20. Suddenly, she must maneuver past a domineering mother (Miranda Richardson), a physically abusive controller (Mark Strong), various suitors (among them Rupert Friend as Albert) and a host of snake-like politicos (led by Paul Belamy), as she gains authority. No time to weep over absent boys. And what’s great about this drama, written by Julian Fellows (“Gosford Park”), is how often Victoria stumbles and reels, but gets back up. With Albert by her side -- not in front, but by her side. And, no, it’s not all roses or high drama. Victoria also knows that leading people is to make it about them, not you. Modern implications are high, if you’re paying attention. But maybe not for those in the Party of No. “Victoria” is hurt by a sheer lack of directness and boldness that raised the recent “An Education” and “Precious” to greatness. Still, a film worthy of true mega-hit status. B+

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

I am glad that a big-budget Hollywood event film can be focused on a young female protagonist and also be directly targeted to girls and young women, so it feels almost cruel to dump on “New Moon.” After all, boys have had the run of the brainless, witless blockbuster cinema sandbox for decades. Yet, “Moon” is a romantic drama dud, and sends a horrible message of submission for women and girls.

A sequel to the 2008 hit film “Twilight” and based on the second book in the famed literary series, “New Moon” is a painfully hokey “SOB!” drama that has a desperately depressed 18-year-old Bella (the always good Kristen Stewart) longing for her MIA vampire boyfriend (Robert Pattison) while – possibly, maybe, oh, who am I kidding, not a fhkin’ chance – cozying up to her boffo buff BFF Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who is secretly a giant werewolf (!) who’s not so secretly in love with her. (What are the chances, eh?)

This is literally the film: Dumped by undead poet stud Edward, Bella sits in a papasan for months glumly staring out a window and wakes up every night screaming from her violent, thrashing sleep. Then, after several miserable months, Bella realizes if she commits suicidal stunts, she will see Edward’s worried pleading “image,” and he will rescue her. So she pushes the edge, waiting for him to show. She’s sooo in love with Edward that’ll she die to see him. Cliffs and traffic and what not. And why not? He recites “Romeo & Juliet” and spouts gems such as “I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.” (Was junior high creative writing this bad? Uh, maybe.)

Let me skip onward. Yes, Bella has to save Edward’s (literal) glittery butt from some other vampire pack, but it comes after two hours of watching the most spineless, man-love-obsessed female film character I’ve witnessed since Meg Ryan gave her soul and fortune up for crooked Kevin Kline in “French Kiss.” I hated that movie.

And that’s what kills this sequel. What I liked about the first film – the teen awkwardness, the magic of first flirts, Bella’s curiosities – turns ugly. She literally has no interest – art, music, engineering, law, medicine, sports or anything else – except Edward. Further, Bella’s daddy, nor the filmmakers (Chris Weitz directs) nor can I guess the author don’t seem to realize Bella’s months-long depression signals her need for psychiatric help. Not a werewolf or a mummy. And if teen girls say such reactions are normal, they need to seek psychiatric help. Right away.

I get that this is a fantasy film, that some girls want to live to love and be loved by a brooding slightly dangerous man, to be the center of his entire existence, and he of hers. That nothing else matters. Not even personal satisfaction. It’s no more silly or farfetched than boy fantasies such as Spider-Man or Batman or “Die Hard,” where guys get to bludgeon, beat and blow up a world they can’t control, and they are thanked and celebrated for their literal actions. I get it.

Yet, few, if any, boys will ever get a chance to kill a terrorist, be bitten by a radioactive spider or build a batcave. But with this other shoe … well, it’s easy to figure out. I can only hope “Eclipse” (Part 3) shows Bella growing into an woman who can live her own life, find successes in school and career, and do so while loving, and being loved by, her undead glittery man. Y’know, something she can call her own. Take up cooking. Professionally, I mean. But, I have feeling she’s going to end up barefoot and pregnant, cooking a blood-soaked meatloaf for her man. If so, then count me out.

Oh, and this whole “don’t make me choose” melodrama. Really? With Bella's unstable Edward fixation, did anyone think the Jacob – including the BFF himself – had a chance? This ending was the sorriest “shocker” I’ve seen since “Signs.” Alas, it doesn’t help that Jacob constantly threatens: “Do not get me upset!” What hilarious horrible writing. I wished just once Jacob would turn Hulk green and sport a bad 1970s wig. But he never did. Just a hairy CGI werewolf.

Ahh, the ‘70s. Diane Keaton would have kicked both these boys to the curb and marched out of town her head held high. That seems like the fantasy film now. Part 1 was cute. This is crap, what's next ... D+

Twilight (2008)

Based on a the first installment of a gazillion-selling book series about teens, love and blood-sucking vampires, the entertaining "Twilight" follows Bella (Kristen Stewart) as she moves to a tiny town in Washington to live with her police chief dad. At her new high school, Bella is met with the greeting that all newcomer students get -- either hyped-up overly sincere glad-handing or cruel scorn. yet, not.

One person grabs her attention -- the pale, brooding Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who sticks close to his adopted brothers and sisters, all pale, all strangely silent, all cultish-like. Later that first day, Bella walks into biology class and as she stands in front of a fan, her scent is blown toward Edward. He acts as if stricken by mustard gas. They are, of course, destined to fall in love.

Catherine Hardwicke, who made the stunning, intense "Thirteen," nails the insecurities and stuttering flirtation that make up much of teen life and love ... in the context of a film that has a teen girl falling in love with a century-old teen vampire with "Seventeen"-cover ready hair. (You either roll with it, or you don't.) Among the subplots is a war between Edward's fangy family, who won't kill humans, and another pack of vampires, who enjoy murder. One of the evil types sets his sights on Bella's blood, and Edward must safe her. Naturally. This drama ends in a unholy weak climax inside a ballet school full of mirrors. This lazy "Enter the Dragon" business hampers the film, but doesn't derail it.

Before long we're back on the romance, which could end blissfully, but surely won't. I can't speak of the adaption from the Stephanie Meyer novel, but the film is a nice mixture of Shakespearean theatrics and displays of love, and Anne Rice stripped clean of blood and sex, all for young teens who still believe in soap-opera-scribbling-on-a-notebook-cover teen love, and not adult love. I mean, the guy sparkles. No, I mean, he really sparkles. in daylight. Y'know, this ain't realism.

The two leads are game, and sell charisma by the bucket load. Hardwicke's roving, sweeping, swooning camera not only follows Bella and Edward's romance, it seems to be it. Floating and sweeping around forests. The surreal vampire baseball scene is a hoot, a stripped down version of Quidditch from that other best-selling cultural movement. All fawning aside though, this ain't "True Blood." Now that's true bloody entertainment. A brilliant slice of undead life. B