Underworld: Awakening (2012)

My wife loves the “Underworld” flicks, she thinks Kate Beckinsale as bad ass vampire assassin Selene who kicks ass in a slick tight black jumpsuit is a hoot. That’s true, but “Awakening,” the fourth pitch in the creaky vampires-and-werewolves-live-among-us action series is so short on story and reason to exist, it’s painful. Here Selene –- centuries old and still sporting hair and skin only a salon can provide -– is iced for 12 years, wakes up in a  badly lit lab run by an icky corporation that must share a set with the “Resident Evil” films, slices though a busload of men, hunts for her lover (Scott Speedman) who is starring in a better film, and tries to protect her new tween-scream daughter. It’s all set in a dark Orwellian world where all the survivors pimp “GQ” threads, the lighting –- inside and out, night or day -- is all black-blue, and “The Matrix” is the only film ever made. This is a cheat on every level, an extended trailer with 1,999 shots of Beckinsale standing in front of a massive fan just off camera, her black leather slicker blowing righteously so. D+

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Bella still can’t catch a break in “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.” The girl (Kristen Stewart) loves the glittery vampire (Robert Pattinson) with 1980s hair, but jealous werewolf boy (Taylor Lautner) is always lurking about. What’s a girl to do? This is the third chapter in the series, and it’s much of the same: Some evil vampire clan is out for Bella’s blood and she needs saving by her suitors, who are more than willing to oblige. Saving means controlling. Vampire guy rips engine cables out of Bella’s truck so she can’t drive anywhere. Werewolf guy dishes “romantic” one-liners that basically translate as “If I can‘t have you, no one will.” Both guys talk stalker, but are treated as heartthrobs. Creepily anti-woman, and from a woman's pen no less. “Eclipse” does score points with well-played, literal head-cracking vampire fights. Director David Slade (“30 Days of Night”) gives the action real blood, so to speak, but can’t lift the banal dialogue and wooden acting above unintended howls. When the two guys compare their own hotness, it plays like a bad spoof of “Brokeback Mountain.” C-

Underworld (2003)

“Underworld” is the fourth “Matrix” film that no one – well, not me – ever wanted. The entirety of this vampire versus vs. werewolf action film rips and duplicates the DNA, soul and central nervous system of the 1999 sci-fi classic. Verbatim. Down to the sunglasses and stunts. Originality is not on the menu. The inconsistencies alone will suck your brain dry. Mainly, why is the city locale teeming with citizens in the film’s opening but wholly deserted thereafter – especially during a train station massacre? Director Len Wiseman pushes the pace fast enough to almost cover such glaring holes, and Kate Beckinsale -- basically playing Carrie-Anne Moss playing Trinity -- has charismatic boldness to spare. And, hell, it’s actually better than the third “Matrix” film by a mile. But that ain’t saying much. C

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

I am glad that a big-budget Hollywood event film can be focused on a young female protagonist and also be directly targeted to girls and young women, so it feels almost cruel to dump on “New Moon.” After all, boys have had the run of the brainless, witless blockbuster cinema sandbox for decades. Yet, “Moon” is a romantic drama dud, and sends a horrible message of submission for women and girls.

A sequel to the 2008 hit film “Twilight” and based on the second book in the famed literary series, “New Moon” is a painfully hokey “SOB!” drama that has a desperately depressed 18-year-old Bella (the always good Kristen Stewart) longing for her MIA vampire boyfriend (Robert Pattison) while – possibly, maybe, oh, who am I kidding, not a fhkin’ chance – cozying up to her boffo buff BFF Jacob (Taylor Lautner), who is secretly a giant werewolf (!) who’s not so secretly in love with her. (What are the chances, eh?)

This is literally the film: Dumped by undead poet stud Edward, Bella sits in a papasan for months glumly staring out a window and wakes up every night screaming from her violent, thrashing sleep. Then, after several miserable months, Bella realizes if she commits suicidal stunts, she will see Edward’s worried pleading “image,” and he will rescue her. So she pushes the edge, waiting for him to show. She’s sooo in love with Edward that’ll she die to see him. Cliffs and traffic and what not. And why not? He recites “Romeo & Juliet” and spouts gems such as “I just couldn't live in a world where you didn't exist.” (Was junior high creative writing this bad? Uh, maybe.)

Let me skip onward. Yes, Bella has to save Edward’s (literal) glittery butt from some other vampire pack, but it comes after two hours of watching the most spineless, man-love-obsessed female film character I’ve witnessed since Meg Ryan gave her soul and fortune up for crooked Kevin Kline in “French Kiss.” I hated that movie.

And that’s what kills this sequel. What I liked about the first film – the teen awkwardness, the magic of first flirts, Bella’s curiosities – turns ugly. She literally has no interest – art, music, engineering, law, medicine, sports or anything else – except Edward. Further, Bella’s daddy, nor the filmmakers (Chris Weitz directs) nor can I guess the author don’t seem to realize Bella’s months-long depression signals her need for psychiatric help. Not a werewolf or a mummy. And if teen girls say such reactions are normal, they need to seek psychiatric help. Right away.

I get that this is a fantasy film, that some girls want to live to love and be loved by a brooding slightly dangerous man, to be the center of his entire existence, and he of hers. That nothing else matters. Not even personal satisfaction. It’s no more silly or farfetched than boy fantasies such as Spider-Man or Batman or “Die Hard,” where guys get to bludgeon, beat and blow up a world they can’t control, and they are thanked and celebrated for their literal actions. I get it.

Yet, few, if any, boys will ever get a chance to kill a terrorist, be bitten by a radioactive spider or build a batcave. But with this other shoe … well, it’s easy to figure out. I can only hope “Eclipse” (Part 3) shows Bella growing into an woman who can live her own life, find successes in school and career, and do so while loving, and being loved by, her undead glittery man. Y’know, something she can call her own. Take up cooking. Professionally, I mean. But, I have feeling she’s going to end up barefoot and pregnant, cooking a blood-soaked meatloaf for her man. If so, then count me out.

Oh, and this whole “don’t make me choose” melodrama. Really? With Bella's unstable Edward fixation, did anyone think the Jacob – including the BFF himself – had a chance? This ending was the sorriest “shocker” I’ve seen since “Signs.” Alas, it doesn’t help that Jacob constantly threatens: “Do not get me upset!” What hilarious horrible writing. I wished just once Jacob would turn Hulk green and sport a bad 1970s wig. But he never did. Just a hairy CGI werewolf.

Ahh, the ‘70s. Diane Keaton would have kicked both these boys to the curb and marched out of town her head held high. That seems like the fantasy film now. Part 1 was cute. This is crap, what's next ... D+

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

“Underworld: Rise of the Lycans” is a dark prequel to the previous two vampires vs. werewolves films before it: “Underworld” and “Underworld: Evolution.” Dropping Kate Beckinsale, the film goes way back to show … well, the Rise of the Lycans. Much like the Rise of Cobra in the recent “G.I. Joe.” Hey, after the sophomoric pouting of “New Moon,” I welcome this. And I welcome the bloody gore and frenzied pace. The story focuses on anti-hero Lucian (Michael Sheen), who rises from baby to child slave to warrior to bad-ass rebel who sports skintight leather pants and a long leather coat. Who knew Old Navy existed thousands ago in what looks like Dark Ages Eastern Europe? Such WTH questions bog the film down, but don’t kill it outright. C+