The Iron Lady (2011)

In “The Iron Lady,” a biopic about Britain’s MP Margaret Thatcher, Meryl Streep embodies the loved/hated prime minister with a voice and movements that are amazing to witness. The actress is more than a worthy Oscar winner here, for she is Atlas, hoisting a terrible film upon her shoulders. Director Phyllida Lloyd and writer Abi Morgan dedicate heaps of time to an Alzheimer’s-stricken Thatcher as she talks to her dead husband (Jim Broadbent), who mucks about as if Peter Pan. The undeniably fascinating life of Thatcher, from World War II-era teenager to leader of a superpower, is all rushed flashbacks, snippets with bold-font headlines, half-explanations, and historical characters that run by. The dementia scenes turn into a bad “Ghost” rehash as onscreen Thatcher literally packs a suitcase for dead hubby so he can go off into the light. What utter nonsense. Streep, thankfully, makes every scene she is in shine, from Parliament debates to her vicious and regretted attack of a second-in-command, to the sad elderly years. Nostalgic conservatives will cheer the speeches, cruel liberals will mock the woman chasing her ghost husband because he’s shoeless. B-

The Thing (2011)

The makers behind “The Thing” insisted from Day One they were not remaking John Carpenter’s classic 1982 horror-in-Antarctica thriller of the same name, but building a prequel story to tell us what happened before a creature attacked an American-led camp headed by Kurt Russell. But this is a remake in every scene and sense, ironic for a film about a mysterious, murderous alien force that perfectly replicates its victims. Joel Edgerton (a pilot) and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (a scientist) lead the cold cast, a camp full of interchangeable Norwegians who stumble upon a space ship and a seemingly dead creature. I didn’t wince or jump once, distracted to madness on how every idea on screen is tired and boxed-in, and how CGI will never equal the gross, hand-built physical effects of 30 years ago. First-time film director Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. is anti-John Carpenter, taking us out of the movie’s best spot – a mid-flight helicopter ride where the monster attacks -- just as it begins, and puts us on the ground. In the snow. Terrible. This Thing is bloodless, a Xerox. C-

Jack and Jill (2011)

“This must never be seen.” Al Pacino says this at the end of “Jack and Jill,” a degrading Adam Sandler flick that has the “SNL” vet playing twins, one Jack, one Jill, with Pacino (!) lusting for the latter. Sandler does drag as Jill and also as Jack in drag as Jill. That’s the plot. So, yes, Pacino continues his late-career burnout by playing himself in a way that can only be called turkey bacon. It’s beyond ham. He raps an onscreen Dunkin’ Dounts commercial, and it’s awful sad. At least Katie Holmes looks embarrassed as Jack’s autotron wife. Not Al. Sandler has been making brain-fuck films for years, to bore us and get rich quickly, and his self-satisfied smirk shows how much he cares. He spends 80 minutes mocking Jill as an overweight, sweaty, techno-clueless, socially inept wreck of shrill Jewish stereotypes, before going life-lesson soft, asking us to fall in love with her (him) as a person. I don’t know which is worse, that Sandler thinks he’s creating message movies, his constant product hawking, or that he thinks diarrhea is still funny. D

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (2012)

Conservative bobble (hot) heads are denouncing the CGI animated 3-D version of Dr. Seuss’ “The Lorax” as the second-worst thing in the universe since “The Communist Manifesto,” or third, behind Obama’s birth certificate. The book: Quick subtle lesson of conservation over consumerism by the late Theodore Geisel. Its plot simple: A boy from a treeless, polluted town seeks a real, life tree. But none are to be found, according to the Once-Ler, a recluse who long ago killed all the trees in the land to make bizarre products from the flowery tree tops. The Once-Ler did not heed the warnings of the Lorax, a short hairy beast that looks like (no really) Wilfred Brimley, but oranger and shorter and much hairier, and the self-proclaimed voice of the voiceless trees.

The “Lorax” movie, directed by Chris Renauld and Kyle Bald, is not quick nor subtle. It’s a sermon. Jonathan Edwards Spider kind, but leftist, and with brighter colors. I am quite liberal, and I fast grew tired of the tree-hugger brimstone drum beat, which is finished off by a disturbing and loud Tom Petty/MTV dirge that will scare the hell out of toddlers. It’s “The Day After the Day After Tomorrow,” but the lessons are not remotely “indoctrinating,” as the Fox critics cry. It’s telling kids to be smart, watch your resources. (I know, responsibility crazy right? I mean, wasn’t there a sentence of three in the Bible where God said, “Take care of the Earth. It’s mine. Not Yours.” Commie Bastard out to get Job, err, jobs.) For 90 minutes, yeah... OK, too damn long.

I digress, sorry. See, all the Seussian word plays, innocence, and childlike wonder of the book, are washed in a sea of redneck jokes, spoofs on the bottled water business (bottled air!) and “Too Big To Fail” gags, and this relentless dizzying, loud, nonstop mad dash to deliver a dozen jokes per minute. (The similarly CGI’d “Horton Hears a Who” is far, far better, a true treat.) That’s not to say “Lorax” is a bad, the animation pops with bright cotton candy colors, and many of the jokes are funny – just more akin to current TV fare. The voice talent is ace, especially Danny DeVito for The Lorax. It’s a joke all its own, such a cuddly creature with that Joizee guy mutter, but still warm.

As for the 1971 book, Corporate America did not like it here or there, or anywhere. They made their own book, “Truax” I recall, a tale that included the lesson that, hey, if some forest animals die in the name of progress, tough luck. In God We Trust. Who says who’s brainwashing children? Maybe Murdoch and Gingrich will fund a pro-multi-national-corporation cartoon, about the fun of mountain top removal, as long as it ends with money being made, it’s all good. “I am the Newt , I speak for the dollars…” Not that “Lorax” is any more pure. B-

P.S. I saw this in 3D. Not necessary. A few scenes, maybe. But overall, save your money. Skip the plastic glasses. But, loving Momma Earth, you knew that, eh?

Dream House (2011)

I saw an early trailer of “Dream House” that gave nearly the entire film away. What the ad didn’t spoil: This supernatural, “Oh, shit, we moved into a massacre house” film crashes at the one hour mark, leaving even the great Rachel Weisz acting shrill and lost. Pushing ahead spoiler-free: Daniel Craig plays Will Atenton, a book editor ditching NYC for the rural dream house with his wife (Weisz) and daughters. Pfft. Seems “family murdered” was left out of the realty ad. Directed by Jim Sheridan, with a solid cast of names, this not-horrifying “American Horror Story” story should rock and shock. It fails. “Dream” goes dead flat after that one-hour-mark reveal resets the plot, and then drops an endless series of awful gotch’yas. Worst offense, other than the writing and editing: The great Naomi Watts is wasted in a “helpless woman” role beneath her station. PSA hint: If your train-mate on the way to your new house is Elias Koteas, go the hell back to work. Stay there. C

Bound for Glory (1976)

“Bound for Glory” is a movie the GOP might wish banned, a tribute to the American Union spirit that defied billy-club work-crew bosses during the long Great Depression. Men such as Woody Guthrie and thousands of fruit pickers – paid pennies per bushel for exhausting work – were the first to Take Our Country Back, and “Glory” tells this biopic story of the leftist singer in such wonderful detail, one might think this a documentary. Hal Ashby (“Harold and Maude”) directs with a keen eye and ear, and as the man who wrote “This Land is Your Land,” David Carradine is soulful and serene. It’s a must-watch as we head toward an election held fast by corporate-controlled puppets that have no regard for anyone but their rich peers. Yet, this is no leftist orgy. Guthrie is a womanizer, too selfish to recognize his family. It’s a sharp message from Ashby and Carradine, troubled men themselves. Ronny Cox (“Total Recall”) as a unionizer dazzled by fame is marvelous. The cinematography recalls Dorothea Lange. A-

Dumbo (1941)

Before the words “Walt Disney” became synonymous with Corporate Giant, it was the name of an artist still unsurpassed in imagination and legend. Disney’s 1940s animated films still dazzle above and beyond anything produced now, and 71-year-old “Dumbo” is among his best works. It’s the story of a baby elephant with large ears, and his harsh circus life where mother is abused and imprisoned for protecting her young one. Dumbo, even this is a cruel nickname, must perform in clown makeup, and is placed atop a burning scaffold and forced to jump into a small pool of goop. Pure humiliation. This is classic dark Disney, a film about a broken child, mixed with much hope and magic. The plot borrows from “Pinocchio” with another tinier, smarter pal in Timothy B. Mouse, but it’s a clever twist, and a funny joke, too. The animation, story, and music are pure joy, even if the gang of crows almost flies into Jim Crow stereotyping. Note the use of watercolors, and the dazzling, still daring and freakishly scary Pink Elephant scene. A