It’s
too easy to pick on the “Twilight” films. What started out as an entertaining supernatural romantic fantasy for teenagers in 2008 quickly grew boring, trite, and, I can’t
say this enough, cringingly anti-woman as we follow a Washington state high
school girl (Kristen Stewart as Bella) fall enthralled to her century-old-stuck-as-a-teenager
vampire fiance (Robert Pattinson as Edward) and yet remain mooned over –- literally –- by her werewolf best friend (Taylor Lautner as Jacob).
The whole scenario is utterly ridiculous, but that’s fantasy, right? The screw? At
every turn, and evermore increasingly here, Bella becomes less of a
full-fledged intelligent human being that happens to be a woman, than a
near mindless submissive girl robot. (Is there anything more ... boring?) She has absolutely no plan, thought, or choice outside of
her devotion to her dreamy fang man, and ensuring his happiness. I mean, can she hold a job? I’m not certain. Bet she can vacuum. Bella might be the flattest main female character of a major Hollywood franchise ever put to film. Bella is the anti-Ripley.
This overlong film adapts the fourth book in the
series, and only part of it as the studio knows how to ring a few more
million dollars from smitten fans known as Twi-Hards. Here, Bella is 18 and
ready to marry Edward for he won’t do the deed until they are wed, old-fashioned
values and all, and she wants to do the deed. And become like him, a vampire.
(That’s commitment.) They do marry, and director Bill Condon (“Gods and Monsters”)
stages the wedding with romantic delirium –- forest, leaves, amazing dresses and
tuxes that would make any romantic swoon, and there is camera work to die for.
(That’s the great Guillermo Navarro as Director of Photography. He shot “Pan’s Labyrinth.”)
Condon and his writers then take us on the only-in-a-movie fantasy
honeymoon in South America, on a private island, and there the trouble begins.
Eddie -– can I call him that? -- is concerned he’ll hurt Bella during sex with
his super-vampire strength, but she’s OK with getting hurt, up to the point
where she becomes pregnant. Abnormally “Rosemary’s Baby” pregnant.
For her love of Edward, Bella commits to baby, much to his woe, and
the anger of Jacob, who, like Bruce Banner, is always angry.
By now ridiculing a “Twilight” movie equals crushing
a 14-year-old girl’s spirit because she talks too much on the telephone with
her friends. The movies are silly romance popcorn entertainment. I get it. And
teenage girls like to talk on the phone. Some things cannot be changed. They
are what they are. So, I went for comedy at this viewing, from
the way Pattinson can’t hide his contempt for the material that is below him,
to the way Lautner makes looking angry so painfully hilarious, and a scene in which
Lautner and his extended family carry on a full-blown scream-fest squabble as
werewolves, making for the worst voice-over live-action scene I can recall seeing in a
Hollywood film of the modern era.
I will say this, “Part 1” is splendidly art-directed. Toward the film’s end, as Edward’s vampire family prepares to square
off for full-on CGI/wirework war against Jacob’s werewolf family, at the former’s
house, all for the life of Bella and her Vambaby, I
just loved the “Architecture Design” look of it all. The massive windows looking
out into the endless trees. Drama? Pfft. This is a family that, facing attack, leaves their
glass doors wide open. Military strategy? The
family fails. Home buying? Absolute genius.
Not genius, not by a long shot, is
the arc of Bella’s story. Maybe I never will. I have
griped before about Bella’s absolute lack of any life interest or counsel, and
the befuddlement only continues here. She spends her pre-wedding night alone,
except for a visit by Edward, who I suppose is only checking in on her. Control is so romantic. Almost stereotypical to a bad 1800s marriage, he has friends to celebrate with. She? None. Zip. Zero. Bella’s
only friends, helping her along the way to the big day and the baby crisis are Edward’s family, his “sisters.” Her pop, her mom, all are kept
at least at arm’s length, if not a few thousand miles apart. (At least the father is concerned. By telephone.)
Actually, sorry there’s one. Jacob, the
heartbroken, mooning werewolf guy who shows up at Bella’s wedding and yo-yos from
all smiles and hugs to throwing the girl around, violently shaking her, and
screaming all within mere seconds. Luckily, ol’ Eddie is there to
save her. He’s always there. I suppose we should all be thankful he is such a nice guy.
I keep wanting Bella’s policeman father to come in
and get her out. Or, actually, for Bella to finally walk out on her
own, wake up and save herself. Take up industrial engineering. Ride a bike cross country. Apply to, I don’t know, college, even community college. The last scene proves me wrong again. She remains ever flat and in love. And, I get it, or not, it is all fantasy, supernatural romantic fantasy. Not real at all. C-
