Hercules (2014)

Some sons of god can’t catch a break. Despite his name and rep, Hercules – son of Zeus – is weak on film. Twice in a row. Early in 2014 we got SyFy-worthy “Legend of Hercules,” a bargain-bin film that underwhelmed even the lowest expectation. Now I finally caught “Hercules” – starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and boasting Brett Ratner (“X-Men 3”) at the helm with a $100+ million budget – and it also is a resoundingly limp flick. Ugly CGI, flat characters, a pedestrian plot that makes H into a human mercenary with a heart of gold (boring!) but the brains of a dumb puppy, I sat stupefied that adults made this film. A hammy John Hurt –- the only reason to watch -- gets to scream, “Release the wolves!” Ratner and his crap writers want us to think Kraken, “Clash of the Titans,” I thought Hounds, “The Simpsons.” D

Tower Heist (2011)

With “Tower Heist,” director Brett Ratner has quite the timely revenge story: Employees at a high-end NYC apartment building (Trump Tower, actually) seek payback when the owner (Alan Alda) turns out to be a Ponzi-pushing Madoff maggot. The plan: Steal $20 million in stolen loot said to be hidden in Money Bags’ penthouse during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade. Our Mad-as-Hell Occupy heroes are played by Ben Stiller, Casey Affleck, and Gabourey Sidibe, and their tempers are righteous: Why not strike back at the Wall Street pricks who steal from us every day? Yet all piss and blood get lost amid subpar “Ocean’s 11” shenanigans. Problems abound: The one-trick pony is predictable, we’re never sure who’s in on the Robin Hoodery as characters appear and disappear nonsensically, and either bad editing or worse writing (or both) kills scene after scene. Eddie Murphy (who concocted the story years ago with a nastier streak) owns the film as a local spitfire, loose-cannon crook brought in for the job. Too-stiff Ratner foolishly drops Murphy for long periods to focus on Stiller’s “Parents/Fockers” goof. (Remember when Stiller had balls?) Talk about robbery. B-

Rush Hour 3 (2007)

The best thing to say about "Rush Hour 3" is it's environmentally friendly. The latest Jackie Chan-Chris Tucker collaboration is made entirely of recycled culture-clash jokes, word plays and marginal action scenes from the previous movies.

The set-up: Chan's Inspector Lee and Tucker's Detective (turned traffic cop) James Carter follow a conspiracy involving a crime syndicate from Los Angeles to Paris. That's all I can remember, except the central mystery is so flimsy, it's insulting to anyone older than six. Oh, and there are French jokes galore, because French jokes are so new.

But am I shocked? No. Director Brett Ratner could turn "East of Eden" into a bore if given the chance. I can't bear to remember who wrote, if that's the phrase, the screenplay. Roman Polanski, brilliant director of "Chinatown," appears as a French police official with a penchant for rubber gloves and anal cavity searches. French gay jokes ... woo hoo! This is the film version of biodegradable cardboard left out in the rain. Let's hope there's no Part 4. D