Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Conan the Barbarian has it rough in “Conan the Barbarian,” the new remake of the 1982 blockbuster. Toward the end of this sword-and-sandals tale, Conan sneaks into a castle, crawls through rancid water, and fights several large goons and a giant octopus thingy. All to rescue a Damsel In Distress. When Conan finally arrives at the castle’s keep, he realizes the bad guys have left with the DID. Oops. Poor guy never has it easy: The first scene has Conan as a fetus (!) dodging a sword. Really. This is fodder for hilarious, self-aware kitsch a la “Flash Gordon,” but it’s just loud and dumb, with a murky climax that must have been unwatchable in 3D. TV actor Jason Momoa takes over the lead from Arnold Schwarzenegger, a harsh task, and he can’t sell lines like, “I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.” Maybe no one outside of Monty Python could spin that junk. Rose McGowan plays a witch, maybe bonking evil daddy, and well knows she’s in an unintended satire. No one else does. Morgan Freeman narrates for no clear reason. Hope he got paid well. C-