Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I saw “Conan the Barbarian” as a child. Loved it. It was grisly violent and had nude women. What more could a boy ask for? Well, I’m 35 and pickier. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the title role of an ex-slave hell bent on killing those who massacred his family. Standard Greek drama/comic book fodder, can’t go wrong, right? Wrong. John Milius’ direction is painfully haphazard (an orgy has all the spark of a cricket match; a final battle fares no better) and the script (co-written by Oliver Stone!) reeks. In the early stages of mastering English while learning how to act, the film stops dead every time Ahnuld opens his mouth. He’s come a long way since, that’s for sure. James Earl Jones speaks at length, adding some validity as the lead villain. Sadly, JEJ resembles a KISS groupie. And his henchman? “Spinal Tap” roadies on horseback. The swords and weapons appear to be tin toys. The entire affair rings just as hollow. C-