The Tourist (2010)

How can a romantic crime caper set in Venice and starring superstars Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie as would-be lovers go wrong? That’s the real mystery of “The Tourist.” Because there’s not much in the subpar-Hitchcock plot, credited to the three brilliant guys who gave us, respectively, “The Usual Suspects,” “Gosford Park” and “The Lives of Others.” There’s an obligatory helping of Last-Minute Climax Reveal, but it’s more latter-day M. Night Shyamalan than anything in, say, “Charade.”

Look, I’m an absolute movie snob, but when I read the reviews to “Tourist,” I thought, “Guys, have some fun.” I wanted to like this. Jolie. Depp. Paris. Italy. This movie had instant classic written all over. But, damn, it never takes off, not even a bump, even after arriving in Venice for boat chases down canals, raging grandpa gangsters (Steve Berkoff), and more dumb cops than 42 “Keystone Kops” shorts.

“Tourist” gives us the genre basics -- an exotic woman and the common man go on the run from killers and police alike in a beautiful locale, falling in love in the process -– and fumbles fast. Aside from the ending I saw off the bat, the problem here is in the actual casting, and how the characters play out. Boring.

Jolie is stiff and strangely dull as a wealthy English aristocrat, lathered in more makeup than Tim Curry wore in “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Depp, in a surprise move, under-hands his performance as an American math teacher who’d rather stick his nose in a book than watch the Italian countryside glide by. He’s a wallflower. This must be some kind of joke, on the part of Depp, but only he is laughing.

Now, in these films, the couple is always supposed to meet cute and exchange banter that works on three levels –- mysterious, comedic and sexy. But, here, it’s flat month-old soda. The gut-ripping dump in “The Social Network” had more wit, and that was a heart crusher. See Frank Sinatra and Janet Leigh rip the world open in the classic “The Manchurian Candidate.” That’s a train meet-up. The talk here is cheap.

Now for that last-minute plot twist: 1) It pissed me off because I guessed it, and 2) It requires Jolie to be stupid. She may be many things on film: Kick ass, mean, tragic, and occasionally overly hysterical as in “The Changeling.” But stupid? Never. The script is insulting to her and us. One of the co-writers and director of this faux farce is Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck, who made “The Lives of Others.” That film -- shocking, dark and beautiful -- is one of the best films of this past decade. But if this signals his Hollywood career, then back to Europe he must go.

This isn’t a total dud. It’s a great-looking film. The costumes and art direction are some of the best of the year, and Venice, a great city to photograph, is splendid in big-screen glory. It also has Timothy Dalton doing his classic piss-ant Brit act, whcih always is a treat. But, if you’ve ever been to Venice, you know the water in those canals stinks. And at 5, it gets high. People tip-toe around and jump over puddles and carry children to avoid the fetid mess. That’s the best advice I can give here. Run. Hide. Avoid. C+