Surveillance (2009)

Jennifer Lynch -- daughter of David -- directs “Surveillance,” a grisly mystery set in a speck of a New Mexico town. The film opens with some daddy trademarks … coffee pouring, small town landscapes and shocking violence, but Ms. Lynch spins toward “Se7en,” with solid “B” movie intensions. The plot: FBI agents (Bill Pullman and Julia Ormond) arrive in a small town to help local police investigate a mass murder. The sun-baked cops are snarky, and at least two are psychopathic. The film is tense, dark and stuck in my head all night. Red herrings abound as almost every character is over-the-top nuts or appears to have secrets, and that hurts the film. Whether you catch the ending before Lynch pitches it depends on what weirdo has your attention. I missed it. What won me: Pullman and Ormond in black suits, white shirts and oozing badass appeal. Great actors. B

Favorites: Superhero movies

The Best
1. The Incredibles (2004)
2. The Dark Knight (2008)
4. Superman (1978)
5. Flash Gordon (1980)
6. Iron Man (2008)
7. Spider-Man 2 (2004)
8. Hellboy (2004)
9. Batman Begins (2005)
10. X2: X-Men United (2003)

The worst
1. Batman & Robin (1998)
And in no order, and not all inclusive: Batman and Robin (1995), Catwoman (2004), Daredevil (2003), Ghost Rider (2007), The Punisher (1989), Spawn (1998), Zoom (2006), Superman III (1983), and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987).

2012 (2009)

Roland Emmerich’s latest world-ender “2012” is a helluva lot like his previous efforts “The Day After Tomorrow” and “Independence Day” – humankind ignores glaring signs of cataclysmic event/big attack and suffers for it. Immensely. Billions die. Most of our heroes and their dog (where's the cat, man??) live. The end.

“Tomorrow” was heavy-handed leftist crap and silly. “Independence” was clever – and I kid you not – the best sci-fi genre satire ever made. (I have erased “Godzilla" from memory, only recalling that I wished every character on screen would die. Bloodily.) “2012” falls in the middle, jumping off the age-old premise our number is up in two-plus years.

It has all the eternally re-rehashed Emmerich elements – the father, his estranged child(ren), the ex-wife, the brilliant scientist, the tough president, the a-hole bureaucrat, blah, blah, blah. John Cusack stars. I need not go into details. OK – one detail – Woody Harrelson is the guy with the scoop of being dead-on correct smothered under 40 gallons of crazy glue. Harrelson looks like he couldn’t wait to get on set every morning. He’s a delight.

As long as the dim-witted chore “Transformers” sequel, “2012” mostly squeaks by all the science and logistical plot holes and “come on!” scenes where characters walk around in freezing temperatures but the actors barely seem slightly chilly. The special effects are seriously top-notch, and let’s face it -- this film exists for no other reason than to wow people with special effects. Consider me wowed.

Yet, the film irks, even past the Emmerich standards. There are long moments where - despite the thrills – I’m watching billions of people die and skyscrapers fall. For fun. I got the feeling Emmerich watches news footage of earthquakes, terrorist attacks and tsunami’s with one eye for mild concern and the other glazing over with an “I smell movie” high. The movie snob and liberal inside me winces. The other part of me, who laughed his way through the most tragic scenes in “Independence Day” (and got mean glares for it), stares in awe. For awhile.

Like the film’s long climax, "2012" is a washout. B-

1991: Best and Worst

The Best
1. The Silence of the Lambs
2. JFK
3. Beauty and the Beast
4. Boyz in the Hood
5. Truly, Madly, Deeply
6. Terminator 2: Judgment Day
7. Dead Again
8. Barton Fink
9. Thelma and Louise
10. The Fisher King

The Worst
5. Hook
4. Bill and Dead's Bogus Journey
3. Not Without My Daughter
2. Mortal Thoughts
1. Hudson Hawk

1992: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Unforgiven
2. Reservoir Dogs
3. The Crying Game
4. Malcolm X
5. The Player
6. Aladdin
7. Glengarry Glen Ross
8. The Last of the Mohicans
9. Howards End
10. A Few Good Men

The Worst
5. The Bodyguard
4. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me
3. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
2. Consenting Adults
1. Toys

1993: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Schindler's List
2. The Piano
3. Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas
4, (Tie) Jurassic Park and The Fugitive
5. In the Name of the Father
6. The Remains of the Day
7. Cronos
8. Romper Stomper
9. Short Cuts
10. Groundhog Day

The Worst
5. The Real McCoy
4. Son of the Pink Panther
3. Body of Evidence
2. Striking Distance
1. Last Action Hero

1994: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Pulp Fiction
2. Natural Born Killers
3. Heavenly Creatures
4. Once Were Warriors
5. The Lion King
6. Quiz Show
7. Hoop Dreams
8. Ed Wood
9. Bullets Over Broadway
10. The Shawshank Redemption

The Worst
5. Maverick
4. Interview With a Vampire
3. (Tie) Junior & North
2. The Air Up There
1. On Deadly Ground

1995: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Toy Story
2. Dead Man Walking
3. The Usual Suspects
4. Heat
5. Apollo 13
6. Se7en
7. Twelve Monkeys
8. Nixon
9. Sense & Sensibility
10. A Little Princess

The Worst
5. (Tie) First Knight and Cutthroat Island
4. French Kiss
3. Congo
2. The Scarlet Letter
1. Up Close and Personal

1996: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Fargo
2. Breaking the Waves
3. Trainspotting
4. Swingers
5. Independence Day (yeah, really)
6. Big Night
7. Sling Blade
8. Secrets & Lies
9. The English Patient
10. Fly Away Home

The Worst
5. Space Jam
4. In Love and War
3. Jack
2. The Fan
1. The Island of Dr. Moreau

Green Street Hooligans (2005)

Elijah Wood puts down his Hobbit sword and picks up his fists in the violent and fascinating, but ultimately heavy-handed, “Green Street Hooligans,” a film about a Yank sucked in by English football firms. But football, I mean soccer. By firms, I mean street gangs that battle royale for their teams.

Wood plays Matt Buckner, a Harvard journalism major bounced out of university for drugs. Matt’s a patsy: Taking the hit for his dorm roommate, a rich boy with political power. Matt sulks his way to England to visit his sister (Claire Forlani), who has a husband, a baby and a spectacular home. She also has brother-in-law (Charlie Hunnam) who is a firm leader.

Matt tags along with Pete for a football match, and before the day is through, finds himself brawling. “Who do you hate,” asks Pete of Matt, who knows who he hates. Matt bleeds. Matt draws blood. Matt’s hooked. For the first time Matt feels like a man alive, his own personal double-decker “Fight Club” vacation. With warm beer and whiskey.

“Green” excels at showing a world I’ve never seen: Lower-class blokes who are poor, lonely or tragic, and place their passions and lives into a sport. Crazy? Yes. But it’s all they have. Alas, the film goes sentimental.

A grisly finale is accompanied by a sappy song, and Wood reads some narration – there’s a time to fight and a time to run – that is older than soccer. Sorry, football. Rich boy gets his comeuppance, of course. But the plot strand is tired: The guy is one of those smarmy coke-head country club Republicans that were cliché when John Belushi started a food fight. Wood makes the film work, remarkably so, making Matt a believable guy you’d meet in a bar. Just don’t call football soccer. B

The Boondock Saints (1999)

In “The Boondock Saints,” two devout Christian brothers (Norman Reedus and Sean Patrick Flanery) believe themselves ordained by God to kill Boston gangsters, pervs and riff-raff. Their guide is a Z-grade ex-gangster stooge (David Della Rocco) who bears an unmistakable resemblance to Jesus. To further clarify, a dead ringer God appears as six-gun-strapped assassin (Billy Connolly). Director/writer Troy Duffy leaves no cross unturned in making his brothers into holy-roller Reservoir Dogs, to borrow from Tarantino. And Duffy does borrow, from Q.T., Scorsese and Woo in the most clichéd ways. Slow-mo jump shooting, anyone?

Vigilantism is an entire cathartic genre onto itself. Everyone has wanted to play Dirty Harry or Batman. It’s human nature. But Duffy’s celebratory right-wing beat off to guns and God is painful. His virulent hatred of gays and women is worse. Willem Dafoe – gagging from scenery chewing -- plays a self-loathing gay detective who prances, preens, cross dresses, and ridicules every homosexual who meets his path or bed. Every woman is a brick-faced lesbian, addict or whore. One woman has “Jesus” stick a gun in her face. Look, I love some mean films where mean people do mean stuff. "Romper Stomper" is one. But the sadism is framed. Not here. This is God's "work."

I’d give this cult hit film an “F,” but Duffy has one major card: The brothers. Reedus and Flanery brim with spark, laughter, anger and utter lifelong devotion; I rechecked the DVD box to see if the actors were brothers. They’re not. Ace actors. Bullocks film. Some part of me hoped it was all a satire of male bravado. But that takes wit. There's no wit here. D-

Paranormal Activity (2009)

The hype machine has pegged the ultra-cheap and literally homemade “Paranormal Activity” as Scariest Film of All Time. Is it? Nope. That crown is worn by “Rosemary’s Baby,” a film so terrifying it makes Charles freakin’ Gordon scary as hell. And he plays a puppy dog doctor in the film. But, I digress, “Activity” does provide biting jolting scares and is a treat to watch, and it's low-budget birth should be celebrated.

Shot in first-person, young San Diego couple Mikah Sloat and Katie Featherstone (who play “themselves”) begin to investigate the noisy whispering demon/ghost that is in their home. Katie is convinced the spirit is tied to her – and a found old photo may prove that notion. Micah straps a camera to his body, because that’s what guys do. (Really. I know some. One is named Jim. The other: Granddad.)

Much of the action takes place in the couple’s bedroom, and I mean that without being dirty. As Micah taunts the “thing,” the reactions are notched upward – swinging doors, billowing sheets, then Katie sleepwalking and then – in the best scene – literally being yanked from her bed in a scene of sudden terrifying violence.

This was all down by a guy named Oren Peli for roughly $11,000, in his own house. Wow. And that ultra cheap budget, lack of makeup and hair stylists, and the no frills acting and commonplace house all make this horror film closer to “reality” than any Hollywood big budget starring a CW actress of the month.

Peli smartly reminds us the truest scares in film are never from what’s on screen, the big CGI or gore effect, but from what we think is on screen, and what’s in our head. A creaking house and slamming door, when nerves are frayed, is freakin’ scary. (That said, let me insert a fully hypocritical statement: I dug “Drag Me to Hell” far more.)

At a brisk 86 minutes, the film has a few scenes (craft time??) that could have been lost, and one is never sure how day-trader Micca trades in the day. Definitely a film to watch in the dark. B+

Total Recall (1990)

“Total Recall” is a classic mixing of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the unstoppable action giant, and Paul Verhoeven, the outlandish director of satirical over-the-top grisly violent films.

Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid, a construction worker who knows he’s meant for something “special,” more so than being married to Sharon Stone. (Only in movies.) A subway car ad promises Quaid an “ego trip” to Mars courtesy of the company Recall. See, the trip is all in your head. Don’t leave home without it. Quaid jumps at the chance, but (!!) wakes up mid-session realizing his cover as a secret superspy from Mars has been blown and everyone is out to kill him. “Get down!”

Nearly 20 years on, “Recall” kicks ass, especially that pounding music score and those bulging eyes. It has more brain than 10 Michael Bay films, satirizing grisly gun porn flicks even as it plays out as one, and giving a kick to unchecked American and British colonialism. It’s also a great comedy: Watch how minor characters repeatedly stop the action to tell Doug (and us) what exactly will happen next, and it all comes true.

Bonus points: The whole production could be a trippy trick. Is all the action inside Doug’s head, as Recall promised? I absolutely think so. My wife disagrees. Giddy nasty debatable fun. A

A Matter of Size (2009)

The Israeli-Hebrew comedy smash “A Matter of Size” borrows, steals and mimeographs from the “The Full Monty” to tell the story of obese chef Herzl (Itzik Cohen) and his bid to become a sumo wrestler and woo the plus-size girl of his dreams. First up is the instant punch line: Scottish blue collars dancing in “Monty,” sumo wrestling in the Holy Land here. There’s the awkward scene where manly guys shove and grip each other while nearly naked. There’s the gay toughie. There’s the guy with the bad marriage, etc. Even the rom-com are verbatim. Yet, “Size” wins on the merit of its charismatic leads and the cool factor that –- get this Hollywood -– overweight people can be happy, fall in love and have sex. The latter scenes are treated with a loving humor and are undeniably sweet. It’s not just girth here that’s large. B

1997: Best and Worst

The Best
1. L.A. Confidential
2. The Sweet Hereafter
3. Boogie Nights
4. Titanic
5. The Apostle
6. The Game
7. (Tie) Men in Black and Dark City
8. Donnie Brosco
9. In the Company of Men
10. Insomnia



The Worst
5. She's So Lovely
4. Hoodlum
3. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
2. Speed 2: Cruise Control
1. (Tie) Batman & Robin and Spawn

1998: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Saving Private Ryan
2. Shakespeare in Love
3. The Truman Show
4. Enemy of the State
5. Pi
6. A Simple Plan
7. The Thin Red Line
8. Rushmore
9. American History X
10. Gods and Monsters

The Worst
5. Godzilla
4. Snake-Eyes
3. Hurly-Burly
2. Psycho
1. (Tie) Patch Adams and The Avengers

1999: Best and Worst

1. Being John Malkovich
2. The Matrix
3. The Insider
4. Toy Story 2
5. Following
6. Galaxy Quest
6. The Straight Story
7. Boys Don't Cry
8. The Sixth Sense and Fight Club
10. Three Kings

The Worst
5. Wild, Wild West
4. The Boondock Saints
3. 8 Millimeter
2. Bicentennial Man
1. The Mod Squad

2000: Best and Worst

The Best
1. Requiem for a Dream
2. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
3. Traffic
4. Almost Famous
5. Gladiator
6. Dancer in the Dark
7. Best in Show
8. Erin Brokovich
9. Bamboozled
10. Into the Arms of Strangers

The Worst
5. Dungeons & Dragons
4. Shaft
3. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
2. Mission to Mars
1. Battlefield Earth

Moon (2009)

How’s this for a compliment: Duncan Jones’ 70s paranoia twister “Moon” is the sci-fi mind screw that David Cronenberg never made, or hasn’t yet made. And I love me some Cronenberg. "Moon" -- as with Cronenberg's best -- will be a cult fave years from now.

The entire film takes place in the distant future on the lunar body and focuses on one Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell), a mid-30s contract worker overseeing energy excavation for use back on Earth. Sam has been alone for nearly three years, apparently hoping for a big payday that will help save the marriage to his estranged wife. His only reliable source of comfort: The robot Gertie (voiced by Kevin Spacey) that runs the moon base’s computer operations. Sam deals. He talks to himself. A lot. He talks to his plants. A lot. He obsessively details a diorama of his hometown. For 987 hours. More or less. He cries. A lot.

Then one day after an accident, Sam finds himself. Literally. He finds himself. There are two Sams. This is where the Cronenberg duality vibe kicks in. You will wince, and be in awe of the path we fall on.

One-person films live and die on the actor/actress, and “Moon” has found a great solo pilot. Rockwell is awesome as a man who learns whole new meaning of learning to live with yourself, and wears a good bit of nasty makeup quite well. (This film has some Cronenberg-like gore too.) Spacey, in voice only, provides goose bumps galore as a robot whose mantra is “I’m here to keep you safe. I’m here to help you.” Gertie can only be seen as a happy face, a sad face, etc., and it’s funny and off-putting. You think, what is this robot thinking?

Jones, son of David (ne Jones) Bowie, provides a slow-burn fascinating film about what it really means to look yourself in the eyes. He answers nearly every nagging question, such as why on moon is Sam watching “Bewitched” and “Mary Tyler Moore,” and why is he alone? A bold, unsettling, quiet, mind-blowing film that’ll make you think twice about what makes you you. All set in space. One of the year's best.A

Big Fan (2009)

What a time to watch the dark comedy “Big Fan.” It follows an obsessed and unhinged New York sports fan with no life outside of rooting for his home team and dumping on the city he loathes: Philadelphia.

This isn’t baseball, though. It’s football. And Paul Aufiero (Patton Oswalt) is a mid-30s parking deck attendant who only lives and breathes for his New York Giants with no cares for women, family or career. His bedroom walls are adorned with a poster of his idol -- the Giants lead QB (Jonathan Hamm). Paul sleeps -- and jerks off -- under a football-themed blanket from childhood. He scribbles fifth-grade-level “slams” into a notebook that he’ll later use for “impromptu” late-night calls to his favorite radio sports chat show. Flag on the play, he’s about to pop.

I won’t divulge writer-director Robert Siegel’s hilarious, creepy and strangely fascinating story, except to say that this filmmaker plays off the audience’s knowledge of “Taxi Driver” and “King of Comedy” – the loner obsessive finally snapping. The ending perfectly fits Paul, even as it slyly undermines audience expectation. A hint: Paul paints his face green and white in the City of Brother Love, wincing as he applies the makeup. Priceless.

Siegel knows his sports fan territory – he’s listened to the sports chat shows and seen the worshipful fans camped outside a stadium watching a game on TV because they can’t cop tickets. If you’ve lived in a sports town – and I have in Philly and Tuscaloosa – you know two or a dozen Pauls, the dream fan who’s made himself a slave to what he loves.

I wish Siegel had laid off the tired New Yawk stereotypes (the over-bearing mother, the older brother who’s an ambulance chasing lawyer with the crass wife) that heavily grate, having delivered a true-to-life screenplay about south New Jersey in “The Wrestler.” These play as well as any Southern barn dance stereotype in, say, “Sweet Home Alabama.”

Oswalt, permanently scarring any memory of his work in “Ratatouille,” brilliantly portrays a pathetic obsessive who sees nothing wrong with his life, lived under a child’s blanket, one ear to the radio, one hand down there, looking up at the poster image of the man he wishes he could be. B+

A Simple Plan (1998)

Between making the wonderfully sick “Evil Dead” films and three mixed-bag “Spider-Man” flicks, Sam Raimi made “A Simple Plan,” a supremely dark morality tale that could be the dead serious cousin to dark comedy “Fargo.” Both are set in a frozen white America where bodies stack higher than snow. Here, two estranged brothers (Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton) and the one’s slovenly friend (Brent Briscoe) stumble upon a downed plane in the snowy woods of Minnesota. Inside the plane are a dead body and a duffel bag with $4 million in cash. The bag is opened, and lines are drawn. Guns, too. The trick of Raimi’s direction and Scott B. Smith’s screenplay (based on his own great book) is painting the loveless Jacob (Thornton, amazing) as the only person of conscious, and high-lighting just how far brothers can stray from one another. The dark thrill of “Plan” lies in watching just what pains people –- family -- will inflict on one another for wealth, while justifying every action. Money trumps blood, every time. A

Scanners (1981)

No one does sheer psychological horror quite like David Cronenberg. This 1980 cult horror film delivers all of Cronenberg’s dreaded goods, plus an exploding head. I don’t kid. Literally, a man’s head explodes in sick chunky pulp detail within 15 minutes. The headless man is – was -- a scanner, a person born with the power of telepathy. In Cronenberg’s world, though, telepathy isn’t just mind reading, it’s the ability for one person to tap into the central nervous system of another. Person hacking. Years before computer hacking. (Genius!) The film follows a confused and strangely emotionless scanner (Stephen Lack) railroaded by a doctor (Patrick McGoohan) into working as a spy for a mysterious corporation. The target: Revok (Michael Ironside) a psychopathic scanner responsible for that exploding noggin and many other deaths. Cronenberg’s film loses its suffocating tenseness at the climax as bad makeup effects take over, but the preceding buildup is intense. Ironside (“Total Recall”) is scarily creepy. If you know Cronenberg’s films, the shocker end reveal isn’t too shocking. “History of Violence” indeed. A-

The Skeleton Key (2005)

Set in New Orleans and focusing on Kate Hudson as a Hospice nurse to a couple (Gena Rowlands and John Hurt), “The Skeleton Key” is a supernatural flick that owes more to “Amazing Stories” or “Outer Limits” than traditional horror genre. With the location, one knows there will be hoodoo and a gothic Southern home, and “Key” plays by the rules. Yet, it’s a kick, from the clever reveals to the acting that shifts as … personalities do. Peter Sarsgaard once again plays the guy you can’t quite figure out, and that’s not a slam. Rowlands also rocks. Only one scene irks: Hudson heroically (but dumbly) stashes a sickly Hurt into her Volkswagen and tries to make off, but she ends up crashing the bug repeatedly. Unintended laughs follow. Thankfully the film gets back on track for a cool “gotcha” ending. Much silly spooky fun. B+

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I saw “Conan the Barbarian” as a child. Loved it. It was grisly violent and had nude women. What more could a boy ask for? Well, I’m 35 and pickier. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the title role of an ex-slave hell bent on killing those who massacred his family. Standard Greek drama/comic book fodder, can’t go wrong, right? Wrong. John Milius’ direction is painfully haphazard (an orgy has all the spark of a cricket match; a final battle fares no better) and the script (co-written by Oliver Stone!) reeks. In the early stages of mastering English while learning how to act, the film stops dead every time Ahnuld opens his mouth. He’s come a long way since, that’s for sure. James Earl Jones speaks at length, adding some validity as the lead villain. Sadly, JEJ resembles a KISS groupie. And his henchman? “Spinal Tap” roadies on horseback. The swords and weapons appear to be tin toys. The entire affair rings just as hollow. C-

Spirited Away (2002) and Ponyo (2009)

Until just recently, I had not yet seen a Hayao Miyazaki film. Shame on me. This brilliant animator is a reminder that hand-drawn can out ‘wow’ even Pixar’s best computer effects. Plus, his films have deep themes and wonderful characters to match the visuals. Wow.

“Spirited Away” is intricate, imaginative and beautifully bizarre, and even two viewings don’t do its themes justice. That the plot can’t be summed up in a movie poster tagline is a treat onto itself. Long story short: Whiny pre-teen Chihiro must grow up fast after she and her parents become trapped at a derelict supernatural theme park that is anchored by a mysterious bathhouse. The kicker: Chihiro’s parents have been turned into pigs, and she alone must save them. The animation is pure magic: Every scene has depth – rooms look full and packed, as do stairs and even a rail car, and when characters collide into each other or into walls, you can feel the impact. There’s blood, and it looks sinewy and real. As Chihiro becomes the hero, it’s a pleasure to be by her side. Hell, Miyazaki’s fascinating world made me want to be inside the action. The voice cast, even in the American dub, is flawless. An absolute gem of animation. A+

“Ponyo” is geared toward a younger crowd, but has such a joyful surreal bounce to it, that the ride is equally enjoyable for adults. Here, a young boy finds a fish by his ocean island home. But, this is no ordinary fish. Ponyo, once she tastes bloods, can turn into a human girl. The film follows the boy, his mother, toddler Ponyo, her father – a protector of the water, and her mother – a goddess of the ocean. Bold colors, wide eyes and “monstrous” waves with scowling eyes all sparkle like the best children’s picture book ever given life. It’s not a homerun, though. Two of the major celebrity voices in the English dub don’t work. Mainly, Liam Neeson as the fatherly protector of oceans. With an unmistakable sound of stern male authority, I never once believed his was the voice of such an oddball, clumsy antagonist. Equally, Cate Blanchett is playing off her “LOTR” elf while voicing the goddess. The effect distracts. A-