Winter’s Tale (2014)

“Winter’s Tale” is brain-killing romantic tripe with late-30s Colin Farrell as a 20-year-old (!!) street crook who falls for a young rich girl played by “Downton Abbey”’s Jessica Brown Findlay, the latter who dies of consumption in 1915. Add in time travel, a flying white horse, Russell Crowe -- awful, just awful -- as a demon with a gang of union thugs, Will Smith -- career worst awful -- as the most awkward hip-hop Satan ever, stars (as in suns, not actors) that are really souls of people, a magical princess bed that cures –- I shit you not -– little girl cancer, and none of that fuck-all mind-blow high-on-crack shit is as unbelievable as a 115-year-old NYC metro paper publisher paling around with a world famous food critic, both employed at newspapers in 2014. Shit. Really. Akavia Goldsman writes and directs, with all the talent of his “Batman and Robin” and “Avengers,” the 1998 Brit version. The ever-growing, Oscar-winning mediocre “Beautiful Mind,” making mental illness into spy game fun, seems his high point. D-

Noah (2014)

Darren Aronofsky’s “Noah” is mesmerizing, dredging in despair before shining in the power of hope, and yet it’s also -– not shocking, considering the people to please -– bat-crazy frustrating. Aronofsky has long focused on obsessives determined to feed an hunger even if it kills them, be it for love (“Fountain”) or art (“Black Swan”), but here he looks to the top, to God. Noah -- played by Russell Crowe -– goes far beyond sanity, terrorizing his family to -– he thinks –- please God, whom he only communicates with in dreams. You know the story. Ark. Flood. Animals two by two. Bird with twig. It’s here, but Aronofsky adds more. Welcome: Fallen giant angels covered in stone build the arc for Noah. Dumb move: Adding a villainous warlord (Ray Winstone) who stows away for months before he goes all knives and fists. Really? A knife fight is what this story -– told worldwide in many faiths -- needs? Why not scenes of the banality of life in that ship, the claustrophobia? Why add drama to one of the greatest drama stories ever told? That said, there’s no other director I can think of who could tell this story, whether you believe it fact or fantasy. B