Crimson Peak, Black Mass, Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (all 2015), and Massive Movie Round Up, Part … I lost count

A second hand surgery left me unable to type, but gave me time to catch movies at home with only a few in theaters. Add in that a new job, and I’ve been busy. Damn busy. Not seeing new movies busy. Small town life does not help. (I hate living in a small town.) With that, onward with miniscule new releases and many more older films… C’est la vie.

Guillermo del Toro -– God love him -- goes back to gothic horror in the English language Crimson Peak (2015), with Mia Wasikowski going “Jane Eyre” again as a woman who falls for the wrong guy (Tom Hiddleston) in the wrong house (it’s haunted, he has a creepy sister played by Jessica Chastain) and bad shit happens. Head wounds. Poison. Blood. Few make violence as personal as del Toro. Ghosts lean close to “Devil’s Backbone,” but this is same world consistency. Moody, dark, and very 1950s/60s spook house horror, this is a sick, nasty fun. Chastain is a great villain, outpacing our bland heroine by miles, and would del Toro (or Edgar Allan Poe) have it any other way? Damn fine score. B+

Johnny Depp goes dark in Black Mass (2015) as notorious Boston gangster James “Whitey” Bulger, but bad makeup and ugly blue contact lenses render the actor undead, looking like a leftover from “Twilight,” or worse, “Interview with a Vampire.” I still hate that film. When the villainous White helps an old lady carry groceries, all pleasantries, I pleaded, “Run away, granny!” A true letdown. One can’t take his eyes off Depp’s fake eyes, for all the wrong reasons. Watch it, but, you’ll never forget it’s Depp “acting.” On the plus side: The true story plot cracks hard, and the supporting cast is marvelous (Joel Edgerton, especially, as an FBI agent). But, really, I never settled in at any moment. C+

On the other hand, we go to see “Mission: Impossible” films to see Tom Cruise play Tom Cruise, Movie Superhero. Ethan Hunt? Just a fictional name. In Mission: Impossible: Rouge Nation (2015), Cruise and his pals (Simon Pegg plays the perfect Simon Pegg) take on an ex-Brit spy turned terrorist, with Cruise hanging onto a cargo jet by his fingers, and Alec Baldwin as a CIA Director practically winking as he calls everything in every film onscreenludicrous, and Cruise’s Hunt’s exploits a “force of nature.” Huzzah! Love. A-

Slow West (2015) is brief -- 80 minutes –- but it plays with big ideas and dishes dry, dark humor. Kodi Smit-McPhee plays a young Scot new to America, crossing 1870s America on a trek to find his crush. The boy is out of his league, and not in the know that his love and her pop are wanted by bounty hunters (Michael Fassbender and Ben Mendohlsohn among them). This is American history for real: Freedom and glory? Myth. For the great majority, it was misery, with salt poured in all wounds. B+

I Am Big Bird: The Caroll Spinney Story (2015) is a documentary on the man behind Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, two of the most beloved “Sesame Street” characters for any child of the 70s. (When Big Bird appeared in “The Muppet Movie,” I stood straight in my seat, pointed and yelled, “It’s Big Bird!) The film paints Spivey in all his glory, talented puppeteer, doting dad, a man with depression and violent daddy issues, but even at 70 minutes, the film seems damn long. Maybe a better, shorter PBS special? B

Lone Survivor (2013) follows four Navy Seals (Mark Whalberg leads) on a recon mission deep into Afghanistan territory, capturing intel on a high-prized target. When the mission goes shit, Walberg is alone, wounded and in dire need of help. Director Peter Berg sells his story with guts and bravado, and heart for Afghanistans. Whalberg’s too old by 15 years? Nitpicking. B+

It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963) is the classic car chase comedy, putting Spencer Tracey, Phil Silvers, Mickey Rooney, Jonathan Winters, Ethel Merman, Milton Berle -– and tons of others stars of the day and silents –- after buried money. Epic, endlessly funny, director Stanley Kramer has a ball making his cast make fools of themselves. Best scene: Winters vs. gas station. Even the overkill length is tolerable. A

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines shows how James Cameron’s prior two films ran like precision watches. This entry puts director Jonathan Mostow in charge. Fuck up. The lead is pretty boy Nick Stahl as John Conner, who has shit to do with the teen John played by Edward Furlong in “T2.” Furlong vibed tough. Stahl? Frat boy. Schwarzenegger is here for the paycheck. Plot holes loom. Connor tells us he’s a nomad, living off the grid, but … he never leaves Los Angeles? Crap film. C-

Angelina Jolie’s Unbroken (2014) follows the unbelievable, but true story of Italian-American Louis Zamperini, Olympian hero turned World War II airmen turned POW of the Japanese. Jack O’Connell is the lead. Despite the incredible story, the drama onscreen never sparks, and only vaguely inspires. B-

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) is the fourth live action film of the 1980s indie comic darling about four half-shelled, talking green heroes who battle evil with swords and sticks. Most unrealistic scene? Our New Yorker heroes order Pizza Hunt (!!) when they want a pie. Fuckin' really? Pizza Hut in New York? Ruined all the realism. D+

Australian horror masterpiece The Babadook (2014) sucks you and offers a real gut punch: Which is scarier: A demon or raising a wild child as a singe mum, or are they one and the the same? Jennifer Kent writes and directs, and Essie Davis is the most tortured, troubled mom since Rosemary got pregnant. A

I’m shocked how much The Abyss (1989) holds up, 25 years on. James Cameron’s alien thriller, anti-war drama takes place almost entirely underwater on a submerged oil rig where Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio deal with other worldly visitors and dangerous military types (led by Michael Biehn). The water snake scene remains one of cinema’s greatest “Wow!” moments. I prefer Cameron’s long cut. A-

Dan Stevens made fans angry when he bailed “Downton Abbey” at its peak fame. Turns out, good move. His first starring role is The Guest (2014), where Stevens turns all those romantic charmer moves on their head as an ex-soldier terrorizing an American family. Made in the spirit of “Stepfather” and “Hand That Rocks the Cradle,” with a huge wink at the genre, “Guest” is wildly entertaining and damn funny. A-

I had never seen Grey Gardens (1975) until it showed on TCM. Filmmaker brothers Albert and David Maysles certainly createdba masterpiece of film oddity, following the cousin and aunt –- both named Edith Beale -- of Jackie Kennedy. These women, rich beyond measure, live in squalor and literal shit, in a Long Island beach house past due condemning. They bemoan life. They won’t budge. As the film progressed, I felt bad for these women, clearly in need of psychiatric help. Does the film belittle them? Maybe. A-

Tak3n (2015) is the third entry in the film series involving Liam Neeson threatening bad guys on a cell phone, this time with a family member DOA. Producer/writer Luc Besson and director Oliver Megaton fly past any logic as their entire plot rests on the temperature of fresh bagels. Every single minute is mind numbing stupid, laughably so, but Neeson somehow saves the enterprise from total disastrous crash. I swear to god, the final scene has Forest Whitaker as a cop apologize for everything we just watched. C-

The Terminator (1984)

The special effects in James Cameron’s “The Terminator” have aged terribly. Stop motion jitters. Robo Arnold Schwarzenegger head during the self-operation vibes snickering fake. But we can only blame (thank) James Cameron for the huge leap in special effects since then, including his remarkable “Abyss” (1989) and “Terminator 2” (1991). But this is still a crazy daring film that rest sci-fi standards. In grimy Los Angeles, two men –- Schwarzenegger and Michael Biehn -– appear naked inside a blue-like orb, lightning pops and crackles. Silent types, they quickly find or steel weapons and hunt after one woman, a waitress (Linda Hamilton) destined for greatness. Schwarzenegger to kill. Biehn to protect. Watching this recently, I thought back to the first time I saw “Terminator” how I had no idea what was happening, who was good, what Schwarzenegger was, and how the action would end, and I loved the VFX. Thirty-one years ago, wow. Cameron made his own career and christened Schwarzenegger a star, and that’s with a scene where he massacres several dozen LEOs. (Made today? Not a chance.) Cameron sells it. You know near every frame was fought over and after, beat into perfection of the time. Exhilarating. A

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

James Cameron again proves himself King of Action Cinema with “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” the follow-up to the 1984 hit that launched Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger to stardom. This film still rocks with ace special effects, a relentless pace, and show-stopper moments such as a tractor trailer chasing a child on a dirt bike through Los Angeles, the near-leveling of an office building, and a climatic freeway chase that ends in a steel plant. It also has what is now a Cameron standard: A woman stronger and more ruthless than anything else on screen.

The story in case you don’t know: In 1995, a shape-shifting, liquid-metal assassin (Robert Patrick) is sent to kill young John Conner (Edward Furlong), who decades later will lead a revolt against Skynet, a self-aware humanity-destroying supercomputer. In a twist of irony, a second cybernetic robot (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is tasked with saving John. This is the same model that was the assassin in the first film. The two robots battle each other over the boy and his mentally warped, bad ass mother (Linda Hamilton), nearly destroying Los Angeles along the way.

Every action scene aims to top the one before it, but Cameron leaves room for character development. His mildly satirical touches are sharp. Early on, the T-100 strides naked into a biker bar and orders a man to hand over his clothes. The patrons stare. Several women smile big. Every person is crack-an-hour-glass ugly. (If this were a Michael Bay film, it'd be the hottest boob bar in California, with 150 Playboy bunnies.)

I also love how Schwarzenegger’s shall we say “limited” acting chops are spun into a slight joke. The T-100 is an outdated, outclassed robot, fighting a top of the line model. And as that adversary, Robert Patrick steals the movie. Look how hard that guy works: The running, the steel trap mind and eyes, the utter lack on emotion. He’s a liquid Jaws on two legs, sporting a police uniform. Void of life.

Look, Cameron can’t do dialogue. “In an insane world, it was the sanest choice” is high-school clunky, and one more “fate is a highway” analogy could make me convulse. And the whole time travel thing is bunk. But Cameron knows people, and he knows how to destroy millions of dollars on screen and make it look like joie de verve. A

Terminator: Salvation (2009)

Nothing much happens. That may be the most surprising takeaway from “Terminator: Salvation,” the fourth film in the franchise started by James Cameron. Set after military supercomputerthingy Skynet goes berserk, but before John Connor sends comrade-in-arms Kyle Reese back in time to save his … Aw, hell, I don’t have the stamina for tracking this plot. This time travel ball of string makes “Lost” seem like “Pokey Puppy.” The barest fact: Connor must rescue his future pop from death by Skynet or he’s nonexistent toast. In doing this, Connor invades Skynet HQ and comes face-to-face with the T-800 – the killer robot played by Arnold Schwarzenegger 25 years ago. It’s a huge charge to see (CGI) Ahnuld’s evil mask once again. What a blast that film was! But there’s little blast here despite great action and a new, ashen look. Director McG and his army of writers almost provide a game changer that would reset this franchise’s clock, but wimp out. Sam Worthington of “Avatar” cements his rising-star status as a seemingly unkillable fighter. But as the ranting and raving Connor, Christian Bale’s performance is as robotic as the metallic zombies chasing him. C+