Alex Cross (2012)

Halfway through watching a shocking dull and vacant Tyler Perry sleepwalk his way through playing James Patterson’s famed detective “Alex Cross,” the actor who should be playing the role arrives for a cameo that kills. Giancarlo Esposito. You know his face. “Breaking Bad.” “Usual Suspects.” He scorches screen as a mob boss called on by Cross as the stalwart detective sinks to “Untouchables” methods to bag the psychotic assassin/kick boxer/artist (!!) who killed his wife. That’s the main plot, set up by a starved-looking Matthew Fox (“Lost”) as the thrice-talented loon slow-tortures and kills a woman and then goes gonzo across Detroit in a mysterious spree that leads to a massively unsurprising conspiracy of typical James Patterson pedigree. But forget the forgettable plot. Back to Perry. Love or hate his “Madea” films, he is undeniably entertaining, and can own a screen. Here, he’s outclassed by furniture. A stiff on moving legs, sans zombie makeup. Is he tired? Put off by the rough (but PG-13) material laid out by director Rob Cohen? I have no idea. “Cross” opens DOA, and save Esposito’s blip, stays a flatliner. D

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

I can see why Universal Studios wanted to make a third film in "The Mummy" series for summer 2008. After all, the entire franchise is stylized after the 1980s "Indiana Jones" films, focusing on an archeologist adventurer who repeatedly gets sucked into supernatural shenanigans against historical backdrops. Never mind that the great wit and action of the early "Jones" films didn't transfer, or that Brandon Fraser lacks the unbeatable screen charisma and toughness of Harrison Ford. A rising tide lifts all boats, right? Not so.

Whereas summer 2008's just-OK "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls' was skunked by surprisingly bad VFX and grossly over-the-top everything, "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" is a flat-out dud thanks to zip chemistry from the leads, a consistently inconsistent script and lifeless action sequences. Now in post-World War II England, Rick (Fraser) and Evelyn (Mario Bella) O'Connell are living in bored retirement whilst grown son Alex (Luke Ford) plays adventurer. Before you can say here we go again, Alex strikes a huge archeological find -- the resting place of a not-quite-dead Chinese emperor (Jet Li) long ago cursed into the next world.

This "Mummy" is full of plagiarisms: The action-stud torch passing from father to son is ripped from "Kingdom," but Luke Ford surely is no relation to Harrison. He's a blank cipher, while Fraser neither looks the part of a middle-aged father nor has the energy to play the central hero. Subbing for take-no-crap, smart-as-hell Rachel Weisz. Bello ("A History of Violence") logs around a come-and-go fake Brit accent like an iron ball and chain, and she acts happy but looks miserable. The producers hired the great Li, only to sub him out for three-quarters of the film as his power-mad warlord morphs from one CGI effect to another. Michelle Yeoh, another of China's great stars, fairs slightly better as a 2,000-year-old witch.

But how, pray tell, can a woman hiding in a Chinese cavern for two millennia learn perfect English? And how can the long-buried victims of Li's ruler learn the same? None of the nonsensical plotting is worth caring about, or even questioning. This joyless joyride, directed by Rob Cohen ("Stealth"), has had it's brains, and joy, ripped out its nose. D