The Blind Side (2009)

It’s impossible to hate “The Blind Side.” It has a story so uplifting it could make Sarah Palin and Barack Obama fist bump and hug if they double-dated on movie night. The movie’s “based on a true story” tag is the sweet honey in the hot tea. Oh, and it’s got sports. I also saw apple pie in one scene. Hand to God.

The story is well-known: Vastly wealthy Memphis couple Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy (Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw) are wildly wealthy conservative Christians with a hugely successful Taco Bell franchise and memberships with the NRA. One cold rainy night, they take in wondering homeless black teen Michael Oher (Quinton Aaron). The boy has never had a true family, a sit-down holiday dinner or even a bed to sleep in. This family is a savior. He needs them. They grow to need him, too.

This story kicks every “rich Republicans are racists” cliché in the teeth. Without a “tsk-tsk” to be heard. And folks like these aren’t normal Hollywood movie fare. Even as a proud liberal, I know the conservative Christian class of America is vastly, wholly underserved by the entertainment community. No wonder the film, directed by feel-good master John Lee Hancock, was a smash hit Oscar winner.

But I digress. Because of the Tuohys’ fortune and compassion, Oher is able to remain at a solid school, obtain a personal study tutor, play high school football and work his way toward college. University, of course, leads to the NFL’s Ravens. (If this is a spoiler, than I welcome you to Planet Earth.)

But it’s equally impossible for me to love “Blind Side.” The screenplay always, without exception, goes for cute, sweet or funny. Even during a major automobile crash. I get it, it’s a movie. An uplifting, “life is beautiful” Hollywood movie lost from the 1950s. But having a skinny-ass 8-year-old white boy running a 300-pound-plus black teen through football scenarios and calisthenics may be LOL funny and aww-so-sweet to some. I found it just damn icky as hell. And I don’t care if everyone swears its fact. It's bull. Throughout, Oher’s character is sidelined for such hi-jinks. Why? This is his story.

Bullock is truly a hoot to watch. She commands the screen as a headstrong woman with the tenacity and will power of a runaway train, who wears boutique clothing to the projects, pistol in purse. Did she deserve the Oscar? Ehhh. No. But you can’t deny it’s a good show she puts on. The real Lynette Twohy apparently is just as thrillingly alive. McGraw, wisely, ducks and covers and just smiles as the husband.

Sadly, the film does the same. B-