RIPD (2013)

What’s a studio to do when a major franchise such as “Men in Black” dries up over tired scripts and fuck-off-looking tired actors (bye, Tommy Lee Jones)? It finds a place holder. A substitute teacher to keep the kids happy. “RIPD” fits the task. Ryan Reynolds plays a smart-aleck city cop swept up in a secret worldwide police force that pops supernatural criminals on sight, guns blazing, and his new partner is a crusty geezer with a piss attitude. Whoa, man. We’re not talking aliens, though. No, sir. That would copying. Here’s it’s the undead, ghosts. Not aliens. That would be copying. And, yes, there’s a big-city battle that means the end of the world. God help me. “RIPD” means Rest in Peace Department. Get it? Reynolds smirks at action and lays on puppy dog eyes at drama, just as he did in “Green Lantern.” He is endlessly fucking boring. As the cranky partner, Jeff Bridges -– great actor -- replays his role from “True Grit,” thinking paycheck. “Men in Black” had crazy wit and an ending that had me gasping with laughter. “RIPD”? I was looking at the clock. And the damn thing was as DOA as this grinding imposter. D+

Men in Black 3 (2012)

All time travel plots defy logic: If you go back in time to kill Hitler as a child, the absence of an adult Hitler will negate the need to jump back, which means Hitler will rise. But we still love the idea, right? “Men in Black 3” adds a time travel trick hat to its black suits, ties and sunglasses, and the effort further tarnishes the first outing about top secret agents K (Tommy Lee Jones) and J (Will Smith) and a secret police force that patrols alien life on Earth. Here, an old nemesis of K’s jumps back to 1969 to kill him as part of an elaborate revenge tactic. In present day NYC, Agent K is dead 43 years, and only J inexplicably remembers him. So back J goes to save K. Ill-conceived from first frame to last, nothing makes sense, not even on the wide girth of a summer flick about aliens, ray guns, Andy Warhol, and moon prisons. The chemistry between Smith and Jones is shit, derailed by Jones’ pained disinterest. Huge props to Josh Brolin as a young K, nailing a TLJ impression so dead-on it deserves its own film, not this crap sequel. C+

Men in Black (1997)

I love “Men in Black.” To think it once was going to star Clint Eastwood and Chris O’Donnell. Thank God for Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith. Jones is K, an agent for a secret government organization that is like Department of Immigration for outer space arrivals. K’s mission: Keep the aliens a secret from us human saps. Smith is J, a plains clothes street cop who ends up working for K. The plot has Smith as a surrogate “us,” seeing a whacky world that’s been all around us, but just out of sight until now. Our Men in Black have to stop the world from going asunder, and their enemy is a bug-infested famer whose body was smashed flat so he drags himself around with tics and hiccups. He’s played by Vincent D’Onofrio in an endlessly funny and Oscar-worthy performance. Director Barry Sonnenfeld makes the talking dogs, one-liners and the climactic joke about the N.Y. fair grounds seem effortless and perfectly sensible. Rick Baker designed the unique aliens. Smith and Jones -- I love their surnames here -- play like a father-and-son comedy team, having a blast. Even Jones smiles. A