True Lies (1994)

I loved James Cameron’s “True Lies” when I saw it in a Philadelphia cinema 21 years ago with a friend. I cheered the openly tongue-in-cheek story and action as Arnold Schwarzenegger as a secret U.S. spy demolishes Middle Eastern terrorists in downtown Miami, the fanatics threatening to destroy the city with a stolen nuclear warhead. In a scene still spectacular Ahnuld flies a Harrier jet up against a skyscraper and kills a villain with a ride on a missile. But, damn, this is an ugly sexist film. See, I was a very naïve 20 year old in 1994. Now I cringe at the entire midsection which has Schwarzenegger’s Harry Tasker going rage as he suspects his dumb, hapless wife (Jamie Lee Curtis) of cheating on him; him, a guy who’s done nothing but lie to her for two decades. See, Cameron has our hero kidnap and then psychologically torture the woman until she admits in fact she has committed no sin against her husband. (If she had!?!) Cameron seems to know his writing is vile. Side characters offer admonishments, almost as sideline commentary. But it still smacks of, “Keep watching. Keep laughing!” Cameron’s worst film. _­C+

The Expendables 3 (2014)

“The Expendables” brings back Sylvester Stallone and his action pals (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jet Li, Jason Statham) for more grinding mayhem, this time against Mel Gibson as an arms dealer. After the improved sequel, “3” ought to be aces. It’s garbage. The film gets cut to a bloodless PG-13 to get the kids in, but it’s still far too violent for children, with hundreds of onscreen deaths. (Yet, “Boyhood” got an R!?!) But that’s nitpicking. The plot is shambles, bending backward to intro younger heroes, all of them a snore – especially Kellan Lutz from “Legend of Hercules.” The young lot get captured, forcing the older lot to stage a rescue mission. Why bother? Gibson proves again he’s wildcard actor, brimming with madness, but his role is a bust. Buying bad art for $3M is evil? Harrison Ford plays a spook subbing for Bruce Willis, who played “Agent Church” in parts 1 and 2, but quit this entry over pay. So Ford delivers the line, “Church is out of the picture,” and winks directly into the camera. I saw a tear in his eye. C-

The Terminator (1984)

The special effects in James Cameron’s “The Terminator” have aged terribly. Stop motion jitters. Robo Arnold Schwarzenegger head during the self-operation vibes snickering fake. But we can only blame (thank) James Cameron for the huge leap in special effects since then, including his remarkable “Abyss” (1989) and “Terminator 2” (1991). But this is still a crazy daring film that rest sci-fi standards. In grimy Los Angeles, two men –- Schwarzenegger and Michael Biehn -– appear naked inside a blue-like orb, lightning pops and crackles. Silent types, they quickly find or steel weapons and hunt after one woman, a waitress (Linda Hamilton) destined for greatness. Schwarzenegger to kill. Biehn to protect. Watching this recently, I thought back to the first time I saw “Terminator” how I had no idea what was happening, who was good, what Schwarzenegger was, and how the action would end, and I loved the VFX. Thirty-one years ago, wow. Cameron made his own career and christened Schwarzenegger a star, and that’s with a scene where he massacres several dozen LEOs. (Made today? Not a chance.) Cameron sells it. You know near every frame was fought over and after, beat into perfection of the time. Exhilarating. A

Sabotage (2014)

Watching bloodbath -– not in a good way -– “Sabotage” it makes one wince at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s post-political film career. The light seems sucked from his eyes. Here we follow personality-free ultra-A DEA thug cops who drink, drug, swear, and easily swipe $10M from a drug’s lord’s house. The loot goes missing and the team starts dying in gruesome ways only a screenwriter can imagine. Ugly. Writer/ director David Ayer (“End of Watch”) has that duty, killing one guy by nailing him to a ceiling. By the film’s exhaustive end, you’ll –- or I did -– laugh at the big shock reveal, and still have to muddle through one more shoot out. Terrence Howard, Sam Worthington, Mirelle Enos, and Josh Holloway comprise the team, all screaming “fuck” as if they’re in a contest to out cuss “Wolf of Wall Street.” They fail. Ahnuld has the role of thug leader haunted by the death of his family by drug cartel, watching a snuff film on loop in the dark. We never see his face. But so what? Botox and steroids have rendered Ahnuld inert. What’s he thinking? Is he thinking? Is he a robot? Do I care? No. D

Escape Plan (2013)

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger headline “Escape Plan,” a prison thriller with the 1980s action stars stuck behind bars and wanting out, but I don’t mean that kind of “out,” I mean escape. See, there’s half the potential nasty fun gone. That would take guts. No sex here. This is bargain bin DVD fare with laughs galore for all the wrong reasons. Stallone is Ray Breslin, a guy who spends his career inside prisons, breaking out to teach wardens of their faults. So when the CIA tasks Ray with testing a black-ops prison for terrorists, he jumps at the chance. Sucker. The prison is run by Jesus –- Jim Caviezel -– and has the Terminator himself as an inmate eyeing freedom. Machine guns blast, explosions boom, threats made, and helicopters go low, but nothing can save the story’s eye-roll fake-outs from ridicule. Rocky and Terminator try, but no dice. The cliché where the nonwhite guy gladly sacrifices himself so our Euro-heroes can live … I wish it would just die. Just. Fuckin’. Die. And the guy is Muslim? Ouch. Long before credits rolled, I wanted escape. Dumb. C

The Rundown (2003)

It comes fast, a split-second cameo: Arnold Schwarzenegger walks out of a bar and yells, “Have fun!,” as Dwayne Johnson -– billed as “The Rock” for his wrestling -– struts into a showdown that will have him clobbering most of a football team. Off the bat, director Peter Berg in his second film is planting flags: Johnson is the new Action King and “The Rundown” is a goofy, bone-cruncher flick from 1986. And it is exactly that. Every beat, stunt, gag, and boom is wired to the days of Reagan. Irritation? Yes. Likely the point? Fact. Plot: Johnson is Beck, a bounty hunter sent to the Amazon to retrieve the son (Sean William Scott) of his loan shark boss. In the jungle, his target easily found, Beck gets sucked into a third-world slave camp (free market capitalism!) drama run by an evil baron (Christopher Walken). Skulls crack, you know the rest. Johnson’s charisma is strong as Berg dreams up cackling, chortling myriad ways to put his hero through the ringer. Scott’s Wile E. Coyote irritates and needles Beck in the film’s best unsaid gag: This is a bromance take on “Romancing the Stone,” one of those great ’80s films. B

The Last Stand (2013)

Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick “The Last Stand” ends with a car chase through a corn field. Fitting. The whole movie is a retro-80s action flick with Ahnuld taking on the “High Noon” Gary Cooper role: The aging sheriff facing outlaws who have invaded his Western town. Happily, he stands not alone, but with a pack of deputies and locals (including an NRA freak played by Johnny Knoxville). The invader is a drug lord (Eduardo Noriega) who escapes his FBI captors (led by Forrest Whitaker) and speeds in a demon race car toward our hero’s Mexican border town. He shall not pass. Director Kim Jee-woon and we know Arnold is no longer the screen powerhouse he used to be, so the supporting cast is vital for heavy-lifting, none better than Peter Stormare (“Fargo”) as a psycho with an accent like an BBQ-acid-chugging Swedish Chef. The finale blasts old-school over-the-top action while tweaking cowboy cliches, hence that corn field. The politics split with our hero ripping incompetent fed overlords, while stomping ass and shouting huzzahs for all immigrants. B

The Expendables 2 (2012)

“The Expendables 2” is what the first outing from 2010 -– a surprisingly dull film recreating and saluting the 1980s action flicks of my over-stimulated youth that had its head stuck up the butt of the long-gone decade –- should have been. Teeth-rattling fun, mainly.

In that film, Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Willis -– the Holy Trinity of the Action Film Genre -– stood around and made blowjob jokes. The talky give and take was so awkward, it sounded like an investors meeting at Planet Hollywood, and the scene had zero impact. Here, Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Willis come together and blast apart an army of faceless villains, machine guns popping off endless amounts of bullets. They are joined by Chuck Norris. They’re all after Jean Claude Van Damme. Now, that’s star power beyond my 16-year-old dreams. (Chuck Norris!!!)

Let’s get it out of the way now: “Expendables 2” is ridiculous, from its opening scene to the last frame. It’s a joke. Everyone on screen has a goofy character name, but who are we fooling? Our heroes, joined by “Expendables 1” hold-overs Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews, and Randy Couture are basically playing themselves, or at least, our collective perception of the myriad characters they have played on screen since the time of VCR as a common household item and Ronald Reagan as president. When Big Names mattered over the title on the poster, not just the name of the superhero that the film is about. Hell, these guys were superheroes, flat out.

Schwarzenegger drops his “I’ll be back” lines from “The Terminator,” Stallone is called “the Italian,” even though his Barney Frank bears seemingly no relation to a Philly boxer. Willis gets a “Yippe-ki-yay” in there, for “Die Hard” lore. Lundgren’s real-life background as a chemical engineer gets picked up for a series of laughs, right before a tip to the original “Total Recall.” Hilariously, Chuck Norris tells a Chuck Norris joke, and can barely keep a straight face when he dishes it out. 

It’s silly, bloody camp, a throwback film that winks back at the 1980s/90s, and knows AARP men of that era have no business starring in a modern action film, but doesn’t care. Yet, that is the kick. I saw this because of the cast, thinking back to the day when we saw a movie because it was Stallone or Willis or Schwarzenegger. Those days are gone, mostly. Now, we see the Spider-Man movie, not caring who stars, but only because it is Spider-Man. Schwarzenegger says, “We belong in a museum,” ribbing himself before the haters can write the same dismissive remark in a snide review at IMDB. It’s not as gloriously over-the-top singularly enjoyable as, say, “Flash Gordon,” but awful close, and as fully aware of its heightened life as a instant guilty pleasure, without the guilt. Chuck Norris!!!

The improvements are fast, and in the credits: Stallone starred, wrote, and directed the first film, and looked exhausted the entire time onscreen. Simon West, who directed “Con-Air,” takes over the reins here, and Stallone also had help on the screenplay. And the man looks looser here, focused on the subject at hand: Kicking bad guy ass. He’s having more fun, really.

The plot is easy, and -– to my surprise -– throws in what the first film sorely needed, a female protagonist. Yu Nan, new to my eyes, plays an operative of Willis’ shady CIA spook named Church. The mission: The Expendables take Nan’s Maggie to a downed airplane in Albania to extract a McGuffin disk locked inside a safe. What’s on the disc? Not important. A group of vaguely European creeps want it, and get it, and fight is on. It’s that easy.

Starring as the lead villain, Vilain -– yes, go on and laugh or roll your eyes, Vilain! –- is Van Damme, looking mean and scarred after years of drug abuse and a reported heart attack. As with Lundgren in the first film, Van Damme looks hungry for stardom on screen and he dives so fully in to his maniacal, over-the-top (I really cannot say that enough) bad guy, one can’t help but cheer on the actor, I swear.

As with “The Avengers” and its thin plot, the set-up of “Expendables 2” is a means to get to the final battle. Unlike “Expendables 1,” this delivers. No spoiler alert needed, if you have not seen this film yet, these words will make you jump: Stallone fights Van Damme, hand-to-hand combat. It is freaking awesome. Yes, Stallone versus Schwarzenegger might be better, but this is just too good not to witness. Rocky/Rambo versus the Muscles from Brussels is what define high-octane summer films, even purposefully goofy violent.

It’s not rock solid by far. Clearly Jet Li had better things to do, and drops out quickly. As well, Schwarzenegger may not have the big-screen chops anymore, his line readings are awkward, as if he’s pushing too hard to pull off the one-liners of two decades ago. Liam Hemsworth (“The Hunger Games,” and younger brother of  Chris from “Thor”) plays a young Expendable who gives this long spiel of an Army mission gone wrong and an adopted pet dog being slain. It may be the dialogue, it may be Hemsworth’s newness as an actor, but it falls flat. That aside is a rare turn here compared to the overly morose tone that dragged “Expendables 1” down.

A Part 3 is promised, and although the cast may grow even larger and even more starry, I’m happy with this outing. This is a self-aware and knowing go-for-broke blast of fun, a joke that works, by the muscle-bound actors who, for better and worse, defined a decade-plus of action genre filmmaking. This is all perfectly the right amount of too much, and there’s a difference between nostalgic road trip and a tired cash grab. P.S., Chuck Norris!!! B+

Total Recall (1990 and 2012)

If you asked me to name 25 action films from the past 25 years that needed remaking, or even warranted remaking, “Total Recall” would not make the list. Not even on a count of 50 movies. Not by a long shot. And not one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s greatest hits.

The “silly gorefest” -– as a colleague calls it –- that is the 1990 version of “Total Recall” is a subversive high-comedy of outlandish action indulgence and excess, cranked to 111 and one more. It’s a classic mixing of Schwarzenegger, the unstoppable action giant who ruled the box office, and Paul Verhoeven, the director of satirical over-the-top grisly violent films a la “RoboCop” that wink at film violence and American macho chest-beating even as more shit is blown up and arms are ripped off bad guys. With a one-liner retort hitting every minute. In short, I love it. And watch it at least once a year, maybe twice.

Anyone who likes action or sci-fi film knows the story. Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid, a lug-head TV news addict construction worker who knows deep in his skull he’s meant for something “special,” more so than being married to Sharon Stone. (That in itself is hilarious.) Quaid dreams of Mars every night, and a mysterious woman he knows only in a state of R.E.M. In this romp, Mars is the source of much war and mayhem because of an energy source, a theme of the Middle East relevant 22 years ago, and damn relevant today, post Bushes, H.W. and W.

I digress. A subway car ad promises Quaid an “ego trip” to Mars courtesy of the company Rekall. See, the trip is all in your head. The ultimate virtual reality Stay-cation, if you will, before the Internet. Quaid jumps like a starry-eyed child into buying a silly 007 “Spy Game”-extras package the Rekall used-car-salesman slick prick offers. Mr. Slick promises Quaid by the end of his “vacation,” the latter will have saved the planet, killed all the bad guys, and scooped the hot girl. “Sign me Up!” Quaid practically drools.

Of course, Quaid wakes up just as his dream session is to begin, realizing his cover as a secret super-spy from none-other-than Mars has been blown and everyone is out to kill him in an intergalactic conspiracy that focuses on him as the most important man in the galaxy. “Get your ass to Mahz,” Quaid -- who isn’t even actually boring construction worker Quaid, but a resistance fighter named Hauser -- says and does. To himself. The rest is relentless action, mutant aliens, and gasping for air on the red rocky dust outside.

It’s that moment where Mr. Slick promises Quaid he’ll be the hero that “Recall” really hits its glorious hands-down genius cruising speed as several more bit-players throughout the film tell us exactly what will happen, what has happened, and mock the whole affair. One character, a lab tech, gives away the final scene in a barely audible aside. Later, a fat, blandly pale geek openly calls “Bullshit!” on the entire plot to Quaid/Schwarzenegger’s face. Not just of this film, but every action film ever made, since time began. It’s akin to hearing a film critic second guessing the movie as it plays on screen.

Stone – before “Basic Instinct” -- is just amazing here, veering from sympathetic “wife” one second to banshee-wild killer psycho the next. There’s this devilishly funny ongoing joke that Stone as an evil spy posing as Quaid’s Earth-bound spouse “enjoyed” her assignment quite well, and her husband –- the bald, skinny main enforcer for the whole intergalactic conspiracy against Quaid –- isn’t happy about it, not with his ambiguously gay henchmen sidekick snickering aloud. Michael Ironside as the villain is genius at playing evil and slow burns as you see him thinking, “What if she… ?!?” Talk about nervy humor.

Let’s not forget how good Schwarzenegger is here, how smart for him to completely lampoon his Macho Man box office streak, even dressing in drag, and do it so smoothly and effortlessly, that I dare say 90 percent of his fan club never even picked up on the joke. He helped shepherd this film into reality, even suggesting the mastermind spy posing as a day laborer track. The man’s never been better, period. Fact. Even in “Terminator.”

Bonus points: The whole production could be, most likely is, a trippy head trick. Is all the action inside Doug’s head, as Rekall promised? Decide for yourself. I think so, going back to the pasty fat guy and all his predictions, and that final scene where the sun light hits like bliss. Or a lobotomy. But that’s the real cool factor here, satire included -- this is an action film worthy of fun debate. “Inception” plays like a head-trippy grand-nephew. if you want to ignore it, or cannot see it, the film still is an “A”-grade blast.

Which brings me to the remake. Now in theaters, playing in PG-13 safe non-glory, as I write this. Or, actually, it is bombing in theaters as I write this. Two weeks out.

Actually, hold off a minute, “Total Recall” – both of them – is (umm, are?) loosely (very loosely) based on the Philip K. Dick classic short story, “We Can Remember It for you for Wholesale.” In it, an office drone type has dreams of spy adventures on Mars, and like Quaid goes to a virtual reality company named Rekal for the same spy dream package. Quail -– not Quaid, the surname name of the hero from the book was changed in 1990 to avoid political association with then-VP Dan Quayle -- also wakes up as his dream implant begins, realizing his cover as a Big Brother-type assassin has been blown, and all hell breaks loose. The kicks come fast. Super-kick: Quail has many bizarre pasts hidden deep inside his noodle, now back from the void. Dick ends his story quick and open, leaving the reader to go fan fiction in his or her head. It’s a corker, and could make a damn fine and faithful movie one day, a sci-fi offspring of “Memento,” with an unlikely nerdy hero. 

So, why the Star Circle Planet Number Sign Exclamation Point did the movie studio – Sony, the dicks who just remade “Spider-Man” after a mere decade for crying out loud  -- and director Len Wiseman (of the “Underworld” series and the shitty and soulless “Live Free and Die Hard”) virtually ignore every chance to go Dick and go smart with a whole new tale, with a whole new title? Money? Cluelessness? Laziness? What the hell ever.

I purchased my movie ticket hoping/thinking surely this isn’t a point-for-point rehash of what Schwarzenegger, Verhoven, and Stone did so perfectly damn well, and with miles of wit. But that it is, sans wit, and a stone-cold serious and heavy-handed rehash with no purpose or comment on today’s world or movies. It not only rips off every single plot twist and kink from the 1990 version, but also stands a clear forger in spirit and look and design of “Blade Runner” and its dystopian, post-world’s-end set and mood. “Blade Runner,” by the way, is its own mind-trippy sci-fi classic film, and based on a Dick story. Also ripped off: “Fifth Element,” with its ultra-packed, multi-layered cities stretching up into the air, and the cult film “The Cube” with shifting elevators. There are more films aped, too.

So, on a future Earth near ruined by chemical warfare, Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) is a factory worker who builds “I, Robot”-type law enforcement robots, living in what we consider Australia and working in daily shifts in what we consider England. Do not ask about the commute, it has to do with an elevator that runs through the Earth, and the entire thing is just flat laugh-out-loud ridiculous, and the writers forget the rules of the contraption as the film slogs on. Those robots, by the way, are striking similar to the Storm Troopers from a certain George Lucas film series. Shocker, I know.

This Quaid – carbon copy to 1990 Quaid -- also is unhappy with his life. Wants something more, a thrilling adventure as a spy. On his commutes, he reads Ian Fleming’s James Bond book, “The Spy Who Love Me.” (O.K., I admit, that is funny.) This Quaid also dreams of Mars, spies, and a mysterious woman (Jessica Biel here). He wakes up next to Kate Beckinsale, and is still unhappy. Off to Rekall, he goes, too. You know, the rest.

The changes upfront are several but not enough: There’s no getting of ass to Mahz. This story is Earth bound. In so many ways. The wife and enforcer bits have been combined, so Beckinsale plays both Stone and Ironside. She’s good, but when paired against Biel, I could not tell the woman apart. All the gotch’yas and double-crosses remain intact. I longed for one major change, a zag where the 1990 version zigged. This isn’t a movie. It’s a product birthed by bean-counters who know the teens out there know no better, and sucker film fans such as myself will pluck money down to see the film of the week.

Look, Farrell is a fine actor. Ever see “In Bruges”? I love that film. Here, the gods bless him, Farrell -– all reaction -- is lost amid the $200 million special effects and art direction, another cog in the wheel. Any actor could have played this part. (The 1990 version demanded Schwarzenegger.) He just can’t compete. Schwarzenegger -- all 600 pounds or whatever of him -- held the screen. Easily.

Some bits stand out -– a literal hand phone that is Owellian to the max, mainly -– but every other minute is a reminder that if one is going to remake a brilliant, witty classic of action cinema, you better have enough guns and guts off screen as you do onscreen. This retread wimps out with no guts at all, PG-13, indeed. And to think, a few months ago, “Conan the Barbarian” also was remade. I have forgotten that, too. Why the hate on Ahnuld? Oh, and, Hollywood, do not touch freaking touch “Kindergarten Cop,” please. Never. OK?

The 1990 version: A. The 2012 version: C-

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Conan the Barbarian has it rough in “Conan the Barbarian,” the new remake of the 1982 blockbuster. Toward the end of this sword-and-sandals tale, Conan sneaks into a castle, crawls through rancid water, and fights several large goons and a giant octopus thingy. All to rescue a Damsel In Distress. When Conan finally arrives at the castle’s keep, he realizes the bad guys have left with the DID. Oops. Poor guy never has it easy: The first scene has Conan as a fetus (!) dodging a sword. Really. This is fodder for hilarious, self-aware kitsch a la “Flash Gordon,” but it’s just loud and dumb, with a murky climax that must have been unwatchable in 3D. TV actor Jason Momoa takes over the lead from Arnold Schwarzenegger, a harsh task, and he can’t sell lines like, “I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.” Maybe no one outside of Monty Python could spin that junk. Rose McGowan plays a witch, maybe bonking evil daddy, and well knows she’s in an unintended satire. No one else does. Morgan Freeman narrates for no clear reason. Hope he got paid well. C-

The Expendables (2010)

If you have not seen “The Expendables,” stop reading now. I’m about to throw a snit fit about the ending to this rehashed 1980s brainless action flick that goes further retro with a 1960s “Dirty Dozen” suicide mission homage. But not a single one of Expendables is … expendable. None. This is a G.I. Joe cartoon, AARP style. A suicide mission flick without a suicide. Like porn without skin, useless. WTF!?!

Director/co-writer/star Sylvester Stallone is Barney Ross, leader of the Expendables, a pack of tough-as-leather American mercenary soldiers out to save a woman and topple an evil Latin dictator. Which they do. Quite easily. Like I said, they all live to clink beers, throw knives and assure each other that none of them is gay, despite the fact that none of them can live with a (eww, girls!) woman. And they constantly talk about each other’s bodies without end, cause all guys do that, right? We are talking “Top Gun” territory here, without the volley balls.

I just sat dumb struck as Stallone missed the entire freakin’ absolute point of the iron-clad, Suicide Mission genre. Heroes die. I remember watching “Dozen” and “Bridge on River Kwai” plus “Predator” as a teen, gripped, thinking … Who will die next? (Alec Guinness! Noooooo! Run Carl Weathers! Run!) There are zero surprises. Zero reasons to pay attention. Zero reasons to call this “The Expendables.”

This is a dullsville. That’s wild to say, with Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Terry Crews, Eric Roberts and Randy Couture among the beefed-up mother farmers, good and bad. (Steven Seagal, where art thou?) Look, it’s not a terrible film. The carnage is over-the-top 1980s bad. Meaning good and bloody. Of the cast, Lundgren has the most spark. A better word: hunger. The former “Rocky IV” boxer looks hungry for new stardom. Mickey Rourke wonders in as an ex-Expendable turned artist, and then wonders out, quickly. Why?

Teeth grinding abounds. We get the villain’s obligatory and endless half-mile run to the escape helicopter, helpless woman in tow, and, by God, did any one – CIA included – get a memo that it’s 2010, not 1984? No one even has a Word Processor. Motion sensors? Oh, wait, what, David Lee Roth quit “Van Halen”? Damn! You don’t say. See what I’m sayin’? And can we get a Linda Hamilton/Sigourney Weaver shout out? No. This film is Rush Limbaugh approved. Women are near mute with submission.

Now the worst part. “The Expendables” delivers a scene featuring the Holy Trinity of 1980s Action Stars: Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis. It falls flat. Set inside a church, Willis is another CIA goon, pitching the suicide mission to the former Rambo and ex-Terminator. The scene took months to schedule and film, by all accounts. Yet, it plays slapped together, uneven and meanders to a crap ending. Schwarzenegger plays it awfully sarcastic. Stallone appears exhausted. Lastly, Mr. John McClane suggests oral sex all around. (Huh? Oh, yeah, homophobic jokes were funny 30 years ago, too.) No one does it. There’s a sequel coming, though. Maybe one of our heroes will get blown away. One way or another. C

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

James Cameron again proves himself King of Action Cinema with “Terminator 2: Judgment Day,” the follow-up to the 1984 hit that launched Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger to stardom. This film still rocks with ace special effects, a relentless pace, and show-stopper moments such as a tractor trailer chasing a child on a dirt bike through Los Angeles, the near-leveling of an office building, and a climatic freeway chase that ends in a steel plant. It also has what is now a Cameron standard: A woman stronger and more ruthless than anything else on screen.

The story in case you don’t know: In 1995, a shape-shifting, liquid-metal assassin (Robert Patrick) is sent to kill young John Conner (Edward Furlong), who decades later will lead a revolt against Skynet, a self-aware humanity-destroying supercomputer. In a twist of irony, a second cybernetic robot (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is tasked with saving John. This is the same model that was the assassin in the first film. The two robots battle each other over the boy and his mentally warped, bad ass mother (Linda Hamilton), nearly destroying Los Angeles along the way.

Every action scene aims to top the one before it, but Cameron leaves room for character development. His mildly satirical touches are sharp. Early on, the T-100 strides naked into a biker bar and orders a man to hand over his clothes. The patrons stare. Several women smile big. Every person is crack-an-hour-glass ugly. (If this were a Michael Bay film, it'd be the hottest boob bar in California, with 150 Playboy bunnies.)

I also love how Schwarzenegger’s shall we say “limited” acting chops are spun into a slight joke. The T-100 is an outdated, outclassed robot, fighting a top of the line model. And as that adversary, Robert Patrick steals the movie. Look how hard that guy works: The running, the steel trap mind and eyes, the utter lack on emotion. He’s a liquid Jaws on two legs, sporting a police uniform. Void of life.

Look, Cameron can’t do dialogue. “In an insane world, it was the sanest choice” is high-school clunky, and one more “fate is a highway” analogy could make me convulse. And the whole time travel thing is bunk. But Cameron knows people, and he knows how to destroy millions of dollars on screen and make it look like joie de verve. A

Terminator: Salvation (2009)

Nothing much happens. That may be the most surprising takeaway from “Terminator: Salvation,” the fourth film in the franchise started by James Cameron. Set after military supercomputerthingy Skynet goes berserk, but before John Connor sends comrade-in-arms Kyle Reese back in time to save his … Aw, hell, I don’t have the stamina for tracking this plot. This time travel ball of string makes “Lost” seem like “Pokey Puppy.” The barest fact: Connor must rescue his future pop from death by Skynet or he’s nonexistent toast. In doing this, Connor invades Skynet HQ and comes face-to-face with the T-800 – the killer robot played by Arnold Schwarzenegger 25 years ago. It’s a huge charge to see (CGI) Ahnuld’s evil mask once again. What a blast that film was! But there’s little blast here despite great action and a new, ashen look. Director McG and his army of writers almost provide a game changer that would reset this franchise’s clock, but wimp out. Sam Worthington of “Avatar” cements his rising-star status as a seemingly unkillable fighter. But as the ranting and raving Connor, Christian Bale’s performance is as robotic as the metallic zombies chasing him. C+

Total Recall (1990)

“Total Recall” is a classic mixing of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the unstoppable action giant, and Paul Verhoeven, the outlandish director of satirical over-the-top grisly violent films.

Schwarzenegger plays Douglas Quaid, a construction worker who knows he’s meant for something “special,” more so than being married to Sharon Stone. (Only in movies.) A subway car ad promises Quaid an “ego trip” to Mars courtesy of the company Recall. See, the trip is all in your head. Don’t leave home without it. Quaid jumps at the chance, but (!!) wakes up mid-session realizing his cover as a secret superspy from Mars has been blown and everyone is out to kill him. “Get down!”

Nearly 20 years on, “Recall” kicks ass, especially that pounding music score and those bulging eyes. It has more brain than 10 Michael Bay films, satirizing grisly gun porn flicks even as it plays out as one, and giving a kick to unchecked American and British colonialism. It’s also a great comedy: Watch how minor characters repeatedly stop the action to tell Doug (and us) what exactly will happen next, and it all comes true.

Bonus points: The whole production could be a trippy trick. Is all the action inside Doug’s head, as Recall promised? I absolutely think so. My wife disagrees. Giddy nasty debatable fun. A

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

I saw “Conan the Barbarian” as a child. Loved it. It was grisly violent and had nude women. What more could a boy ask for? Well, I’m 35 and pickier. Arnold Schwarzenegger plays the title role of an ex-slave hell bent on killing those who massacred his family. Standard Greek drama/comic book fodder, can’t go wrong, right? Wrong. John Milius’ direction is painfully haphazard (an orgy has all the spark of a cricket match; a final battle fares no better) and the script (co-written by Oliver Stone!) reeks. In the early stages of mastering English while learning how to act, the film stops dead every time Ahnuld opens his mouth. He’s come a long way since, that’s for sure. James Earl Jones speaks at length, adding some validity as the lead villain. Sadly, JEJ resembles a KISS groupie. And his henchman? “Spinal Tap” roadies on horseback. The swords and weapons appear to be tin toys. The entire affair rings just as hollow. C-

Around the World in 80 Days (2004)

I've not read the Jules Verne's "Around the World in 80 Days," but I know enough about it to realize that this adaptation pisses on the original's intent. It tries to be everything modern -- slapstick comedy, martial arts flick (!?!) and wink-wink nudge-nudge Hollywood spectacle -- and fails all around. Phileas Fogg (Steve Coogan) is played as a loony twit who can't figure out his French servant, Passepartout (Jackie Chan), is Chinese. Arnold Schwarzenegger, among the guest stars, embarrasses himself as a Turkish prince. The whole thing is an embarrassment, from start to finish. I've seen the more awful 1950s film take. That sucker could be used to torture peeps our boys in green bust for terrorism. This version could finish the job. D+

Twins (1989)

Everything about "Twins" is set-up in the casting of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito as twins separated at birth. It's an OK '80s brainless comedy with a busy subplot involving hitman, a stolen engine of some kind, and any reason for Ahnuld to flex his muscles and DeVito to be scummy. It's not as funny as I remember seeing it at age 15, but it's not bad. It is what is -- a teaming up of the 1980s' biggest action star and its shortest star. The best joke is that Schwarzenegger is the innocent virgin, unaware of the world's sins. In real life, his track record for womanizing is ... well known. And DeVito -- playing the weasel, again -- by all accounts has been happily married for decades. The chemistry between the two stars in undeniable. The script? Eh. B-