Stand Up Guys (2013)

It’s a kick to see Al Pacino, Christopher Walken, and Alan Arkin play off each other in “Stand Up Guys,” a comedy about aging gangsters who can still -– as stated repeatedly -– kick ass or chew gun, and no one has any gum. That joke gets repeated. Our three acting gods make it work. Mostly. What they cannot save is the stick a needle in a hard cock joke, which De Niro already suffered through with Ben Stiller. And not even Brando in his prime could save the WT-holy-F gang rape victim bit which has the trio finding a bound, gagged, and naked assault victim in the trunk of a car they have stolen. Get her to the hospital? Is she traumatized? Injured? No. Our heroes take the lady out for dinner, find the perps, and layout violent justice, hooting and hollering along the way. Seriously. Really. Actor-turned-director Fisher Stevens is so busy making these guys woo-ha cwazzy that he never makes them dangerous, so much so that not even the notion of Walken’s assassin being forced to kill Pacino’s crook makes a slight dent. Irony: Despite the deluge of dick jokes, “Guys” has no balls. C+

The Rundown (2003)

It comes fast, a split-second cameo: Arnold Schwarzenegger walks out of a bar and yells, “Have fun!,” as Dwayne Johnson -– billed as “The Rock” for his wrestling -– struts into a showdown that will have him clobbering most of a football team. Off the bat, director Peter Berg in his second film is planting flags: Johnson is the new Action King and “The Rundown” is a goofy, bone-cruncher flick from 1986. And it is exactly that. Every beat, stunt, gag, and boom is wired to the days of Reagan. Irritation? Yes. Likely the point? Fact. Plot: Johnson is Beck, a bounty hunter sent to the Amazon to retrieve the son (Sean William Scott) of his loan shark boss. In the jungle, his target easily found, Beck gets sucked into a third-world slave camp (free market capitalism!) drama run by an evil baron (Christopher Walken). Skulls crack, you know the rest. Johnson’s charisma is strong as Berg dreams up cackling, chortling myriad ways to put his hero through the ringer. Scott’s Wile E. Coyote irritates and needles Beck in the film’s best unsaid gag: This is a bromance take on “Romancing the Stone,” one of those great ’80s films. B

Seven Psychopaths (2012)

Martin McDonagh hit orbit with feature film debut “In Bruges,” a crazy good and crushing mob film about two killers dealing with a hit gone bad. In “Seven Psychopaths,” the writer/director spins further out onto the edge, tearing apart Hollywood clichés of serial killer thrillers, revenge flicks, and mob tales. He cheekily revels in those same tricks. 

Colin Farrell is (get it?) Martin, a bloke dead set on writing a screenplay titled “Seven Psychopaths,” because the title sounds cool. He has not gotten past the title. His useless best pal Billy (Sam Rockwell) steals dogs and then claims rewards from the distraught owners. 

When Billy foolishly swipes the puppy of a ruthless mobster (Woody Harrelson),  barking and scratching ensue. Mob style. We get car chases, shoot-outs, and demigod Tom Waits playing a lunatic, which is what Waits does best. Christopher Walken goes sublimely off-the-charts. 

Hooked yet?

McDonagh toys with film-goers' expectations from the first scene, burning plot rules and the long-held traditions of downing women and upping violence. Even if the climax stalls, “Seven” is a needed kick to the film-goosed brain. The cast is aces, especially Rockwell. A-

Sleepy Hollow (1999)

“Sleepy Hollow” is perfect Tim Burton id: Gloriously dark atmosphere spiked with a wicked sense of humor, misfit characters that can only be saved by love, surreal violence, and a god-awful story with stabs of brilliance, but mostly ugly exposition. Burton and screenwriters Andrew Kevin Walker and (un-credited) Tom Stoppard take the Irving story and dump the school teacher for a NYC police constable (Johnny Depp, brilliantly good) advocating science forensics to his detriment in an age -– 1799 -– drunk on religion. Crane is sent to Sleepy Hollow to investigate a series of lobbed-off heads by a demonic man on a horse, minus his own head, and the latter is no joke, because this is Burton, and magic, evil, and trees of death puking blood abound. Crane’s arrival –- filmed by Emmanuel Lubezki, scored by Danny Elfman, with a set from purgatory –- is marvelous, fused with old Hammer Films and 1931’s classic “Frankenstein.” Brilliant: Depp plays Crane as a heinous wus, using a teenage boy as a human shield. Weak: Huge story errors and a conspiracy-heavy reveal that defies reason. Christopher Walken plays the horseman, growling with devotion to Burton’s majestic dark yearnings. I miss this Burton. B

The King of New York (1990)

From the first minute of “King of New York,” Christopher Walken owns the screen. And he doesn’t speak for another 10. Directed by Abel Ferrara, the “King” is Frank White, a recently paroled mob boss who makes clear that he will never again bow or be caged. Bodies stack high as White alternately wrecks havoc on his competitors and the police alike. Meanwhile, White plays Robin Hood, giving away millions to the needy. This is wildly violent stuff that makes “Goodfellas” seem quaint, especially after a band of rogue cops (headed by a young David Caruso) declare war on White. The plot is thin, and not interested in the criminal mindset. This is all about mood, and the mood is bloody, messy, dark as a lightless cave, and unsafe for everyone on screen. Walken is delirious, funny, dangerous and wicked cool, all in a single scene. “King”rules. A-