Mad Dog and Glory (1993)

In “Mad Dog and Glory,” Robert De Niro plays a detective so meek and insecure his co-workers call him “Mad Dog” out of ironic jaunting. One night investigating a murder, Sad Puppy Wayne stumbles into a store robbery. Almost by accident he saves the life of a low-level gangster named Frank (Bill Murray). Not a little amused, Frank – who moonlights as a standup comic who might send thugs to kill you for not laughing -- thanks Wayne by loaning him a “present,” Gloria (a young Uma Thurman). Here’s where “Dog” shits. I get that this comedy gets its spark from the anti-type-casting, De Niro as a doormat, and Murray as the heavy, but did Thurman have to play a cup of sugar in high heels? Much ink was spilled about reshoots and script changes. Apparently Gloria was interesting at one point. Not here. She’s the fantasy girl of all loser-loners – she’ll fuck you blue just for being smart enough to wipe your shoes after coming home. Cruelly sexist, I hated this film with righteous, liberal, progressive anger. It is Murray who saves it from a lesser grade. C-

Paycheck (2003)

The joke is too easy. Why did Ben Affleck, Uma Thurman and Aaron Eckhart star in “Paycheck”? The money! (Crickets.) Based on a Philip K. Dick story, the plot follows Michael Jennings (Affleck), a square-jawed square who hires out his engineering skills to shady corporations. His job: Steal technology, reverse engineer it, and hand the results over. Upon payment, his memory is wiped. At a party, a mega-billionaire fiend (Eckhart) offers Michael a huge payday if he’ll give up three years to work on a secret project. Mike takes the job. He is told nothing will go wrong. Thurmon is the love interest who helps memory-wiped Michael after everything goes bad. John Woo directs with every cliché in his bag of tricks: Crossed guns, slow-mo birds and chase scenes that won’t quit. The three leads have zero spark, so maybe they did sign on for the cash. Only Paul Giamatti and Colm Feore have any presence. The plot is preposterous even for bad sci-fi. Ironically, “Paycheck” wipes from memory at film's end. C-