“The Counselor” is a stunning failure from a seemingly
A-grade group behind and in front of the camera. The story comes from the pen
of Greatest Living American Writer Cormac McCarthy (“Blood Meridian”). The
director is Brit Ridley Scott (“Alien”). Its rising star is Michael Fassbinder,
playing a criminal lawyer known to us only as “Counselor” who dives willingly into
the drug trade to get cash. Why? He wants diamonds for his Sweetie Pie
(Penelope Cruz). Javier Bardem and Brad Pitt are among the villains. How can
all this suck? I sat mouth agape in disbelief at this train wreck, and struggle
to find words. OK. Cum on a car. No, really. See, Cameron Diaz loudly plays drug lord
Bardem’s evil wife, an OTT Cruella De Ville as cast by “Real Housewives of New
Jersey.” In one scene, she fucks and cums on hub’s sports car windshield. Really. Now the real sticky part
(sorry): The WTF navel-gazing drivel that pours from the mouths of these great
actors is even worse than that vision. Everyone in this film talks nonstop
gibberish about fate, chance and death, and unlike every McCarthy book I have
devoured, I begged for it to end. D
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